Neverland

16

Kelsey did always know how to make me feel better. I didn't tell her what happened but she could tell that something was wrong and suggested that we all went to the beach.

Jax and Suri happily agreed and piled into Kelsey's car, took that 45 minute drive out with a large comforter, food, beer, and some extra fun for me and Kels.

"Can you guys believe we graduate in 2 months?" Jax says in disbelief as I search the beach for a good place to put our things.

"I'm ready for it, I'm tired of school," Suri chimes all too quickly.

"I've been tired of school since kindergarden," Kelsey giggles and I throw the comforter over an area of sand and kick off my shoes.

I wanted to go into the water.

"Does anyone have plans for after we graduate Hell?" Kelsey adds, referring to our school.

"I'm torn between becoming a doctor or a lawyer. Even though, they're both in two different fields, I wish I could do both," Suri replies first and honestly made my stomach churn. I was so not here for this conversation.

My friends joined me near the water where I had already stripped to my bathing suit and began treading in the ocean.

"I think I want to be a teacher, I don't know yet. My mom keeps pressuring me to make up my mind but I haven't even told her I didn't get into the college she wanted me in," I detect a sense of happiness in Jax's tone as she says this, which initially confuses me, but then the equally confused teenager in me caught on within time.

"What about you Kelsey?" I asked curiously, secretly hoping no one would ask me in return.

"I don't know and I don't care. I'm honestly thinking about just pointing on a map and going there for awhile. I don't like planning my future, too much unexpected shit happens," Kelsey's whole sentence was a contradiction but one I understood all too well.

"What about you Kristen?" I didn't know who asked me which was probably a good thing because I would've splashed her.

"I just want to float for awhile and not think about any future responsibilities that are being thrown upon me," I used a sarcastic skid in my voice at the end to try to prove to my friends that I wasn't going to be a debby downer.

"You should have at least some idea by now. Graduation will be here before you know it," Suri complained and I groaned internally, but still said nothing.

"Let her live Suri. Why must we fuss and fret over the ambiguity of not knowing, when it's all going to come eventually? Let's just live in the moment!" Kelsey wasn't taking no for an answer with her last exclamation.

"Look at you Kels, using big words and all." Jax teased, splashing water, causing my dear best friend to squeal.

I wasn't going to join them though, for once, I was honestly trying to relax before I did a line.

"SAT word. You should at least know I'm not slacking with my school work. I just don't choose to swim in it like you two do," Kelsey defends herself while attacking both Suri and Jax.

Well shit, even Kelsey was working towards something...not to anything in particular but it ended with her successful. She didn't procrastinate as much as everyone thought she did.

But that's exactly what I did; I tried to enjoy the waves but they were becoming too much and splashing on my face, blinding me and making it hard to breathe.

And in that moment, I realized I am a solivagant wanderer; I had absolutely nothing truly in common with all of my friends.

Ignoring the rest of what my friends were saying, I doggy paddled my way back to shore, in hopes that my stash had not yet been touched any of my friends. I found the small bags and containers under the food in the basket. Shakingly almost, I opened the bag of coke, scooping some of the powder onto my pinky and putting it towards my nose. A quick sniff and instant relief coursed through my body.

I grabbed the other bag that contained Crystal, and I took three pinky scoops of that.

The euphoric feeling settled in causing me to exhale calmly. My anxiety faded away and I felt as though...now I am completely able to enjoy myself.

I ran back towards the water with glee, diving in, feeling the cold rush engulf my body.

Jax was the first to trample on top of me, laughing as she splashed water in my face when I came back up for air.

I felt like a child again.

And I didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Suri and Kels followed with glee and collapsed on me just as I had come up for air.

Maybe it was the sea water, I engulfed while drowning, that cleared me out or maybe it was an accidental overdose and I was an experiencing a bad trip.

But as soon as I rose to my feet, gasping for air, I was no longer my present self.

More so a younger version of me, carefree, free spirited, adventurous... sober.

"You okay Krist?" Kelsey asked in a sudden state of panic, rushing over to me to help me keep my balance.

Jax and Suri soon followed, both searching my eyes for a reaction and once our eyes locked, I laughed. Genuinely, stomach hurting? Eyes watering crying.

Would it take a life threatening situation to happen in life in order for me to enjoy life- sober?

My friends at first were highly confused by my sudden case of laughter but soon joined me.

After a good hour and a half of just simply enjoying myself with my friends. Suri turned to me and asked, "When do you think we grew up?"

It wasn't a question that was foreign to me but just the timing. As I gazed up at the sky, taking in the scenery; the clouds as the baby blue sky peeked through.

And that's when I realized...

I swallowed down my nausea, tucking it deep underneath my pride and said, "When the world lost its magic."

The clouds no longer held wondrous imagery. The sun no longer sank deep underneath my pores and make the butterflies in my stomach signal that I was in a happy place. Being outside.....

The ocean no longer harnessed all of the childlike excitement with the thought of being able to plunge neck deep in cold saltwater.

The sand became a burden, filling up my bags, messing up things I probably shouldn't have even brought to the beach.

Vacation no longer meant to live in the moment...just a countdown back to the harsh hellish reality.

I let reality take over my dreamer thoughts....and unfortunately let it take over my dreams in general.

With an invincible mindset, all you needed was a pat on the back to get you back going if you fell down.

Now it just holds the simple reminder that there are thousands of other people trying to do what you want to do, that you're truly out here on your own with no one to fight your demons but you.

Of course, I didn't say this. I surely would've purged. Instead I just listened to my friends reply.

Smiling softly and looking back up towards the sky, squeezing my eyes together and hoping that when I'd open them, shapes would appear in the clouds once again.

But even though they did not, the simple hopeful wish reminded me that I too, harness magic.