Neverland

11.

Perry was more of a drinker, and she was more willing to do drugs with me on occasion. She liked smack but only if she was rewarding herself for getting through a week of school.

We went to a local bar together and sat down near the bartender. He didn't card us. I don't think he carded anybody. I had my fireball shot and Perry had her Bloody Mary. I was still pretty high, but wanted to get into the bathroom to shoot.

I preferred to shoot up because I liked feeling it, plus I had more of a risk to burst a vein. I didn't really like smoking it because I had asthma.

We were meeting Hank because I was running low and Perry wanted to get some for this weekend. Her judgemental grandparents were coming into town.

"Is that our English teacher?" Perry pointed outside and sure enough, Mr. Nova and our strung out drug dealer was talking with him.

I was infuriated and downed another shot before rising to my feet.

"Kristen, dont!" Perry warned me, but I ignored her. He was going to hear what I had to say and no one was going to stop me.

I burst through the door and stormed my way over to my teacher.

"You're a hypocrite," I shouted at him. Hank raised his eyebrow at me and I convinced him to go inside with Perry.

"Excuse me?" He was shocked that I, a minor, was talking to him in this manner no doubt.

"Why were you talking to him?"

"Oh, is he your boyfriend?" He completely disregarded the rest of what I was saying. "Fuck no," I wanted to curse. I wanted to disrespect him.

"You talked all that shit in the classroom about being caught up when you're exactly like us. Your degree doesn't give you exceptional position over us socially. You're just like every other fucked up kid. You're no better," I let the words spill out of my mouth like poison, polluting the air.

He opened his mouth to speak and I knew he was about to use his extensive vocabulary to try to confuse me and basically admit I was right without blantly admitting it.

"You bask in your childish thinking. You expect people to give you what you want, to feel bad for you because you're some seemingly lost soul. A lost 17 year old who doesn't know what she wants. Well I'm sorry to admit, but you're not the only one. You're not special." He kept his facial expression the same throughout. His voice didn't waver. He didn't hesitate nor hover.

And in that instant, I didn't know if I wanted to punch him or hug him. I hated him, no doubt.

"Everyone deserves to feel special," I was childlike in my delusional thinking and I knew it but I had to cling onto it, because the rest of the world neglected it.

Without childlike thinking, it diminished our imagination, it limited our possibilities. It held us back. "Not at the expense of glorifying your self destruction." He said through grit teeth.

"Well you're not special anyways either. You have a dirty nose."

He frowned at me, as if he wanted to defend himself but didn't know how, he just shook his head.

"You don't like being an adult either. You don't want to throw away your childish things."

"You don't want to face reality." He interrupted me. But he was such a hypocrite because he was trying to numb and alter his reality, yet criticized that I didn't want to face mine.

"I don't like you," was all I said, before walking away. This is why I didn't open up to people, they always disappointed me in the end and proved me right about my thoughts on humans: unreliable, aeolist, selfish beings with only one true thing they had in common was the self relishing thought that the only thing that's important is how much money you bring in each month.

He was just like the rest and I had fooled myself to let my guard down with him for just a minute and I hated myself for it. So for every reason I resented another, I treated myself to a line of smack.