Between Sky & Earth !

Chapter 3

That insult I should not tolerate, if I still continue in this company I should spit on my face. I feel jaded. My so called friends are not of any use to provide me any help for job switch.

Be professional with people around you forgot your rules.

YEAR 2015 today: Last night I cried till sleep, I am upset with the behavior of people around me, I really hate then.

They act as if I do not exist, I do not matter, every second I hate being here I really don't won't to work here, all I need is to leave this organization & its people. Every one is too selfish and annoying. I don't need to connect with people, more people know about you more they will vilify you.

I always wonder why in India people are so hypocrite, why they fake concern when they are actually not bothered at all.

If today somebody ask me are you proud of being an Indian I will say no, I would like to reborn in this country? never again. This pretence of ideal happy family and pretence of family system is all illusion, deep down inside it is rusted and at the verge of collapse, I respect west at least they do not pretend to be happy family if things don't work out they go on their separate ways, and we have the audacity to say we are proud of our culture and family system.

Culture which gives right to men to abuse their wives, eve tease girls and assault them. Salute this country. If I had the nuclear power button then I would have erased its and its kind of country from the face of the universe where women are not respected and where women are vilified.

I never was, nor m and never will be proud of this pathetic country. I hate everything about it, its people their behavior and everything they do.

World would be a better place without countries like these.

Today: 3rd Nov: I hate my job, I wish to quit, but I am unable to do so, I FEEL EVERYDAY WOMEN AROUND ME ARE MORE SMART professionally & personally I am quite fool when it comes to decision making, they use people with their tact and wherein I am just fooled by people and I act as if I am very smart. I cant even be manipulative even if I wish to. There is nothing which I can find more in this company there is nothing left. I need to resign. As soon as I get the job.

Expectation kills I better should not trust anyone & keep my distance I am stuck in this company and I need to make my move from this company before 11th nov 2015.

Today 10th Nov 2015, Today is diwali festival of lights, out side I am happy and enjoying but deep down inside I feel empty, not enjoying , some times I really wish it would have been great if I would have been a shallow person, my heart filled with pain at so many occasions, I really do not like it. I just don't wish to live in this country. I hate this country I hate my job, I want to change it as soon as possible. I really wish I could do something about it as soon as possible because my time is running out and I need to do something very fast about it.

My mother just act nice with me because no one else is there to talk to her, she is one selfish women, till few months ago she was abusing me and insulting me for no reasons, all of a sudden become nice because her daughter got married, I am an unwanted child, they never wanted me, they wanted a daughter they got, then while waiting for a son I came along, when I was born no one was happy, and they treated me pretty much that way, never fulfilling what I wanted, I vividly remember I was asking for one wrist watch when I was in 10th grade, all I got was a 25 cent watch, on the other hand my sister got a branded watch, that day only I decided I will never ask anything from them because they are just not worth crying for. This is one incident I remember, since then I never wore a watch until my brother gifted me one.

Today Diwali night: This is always been the tradition that we were never at one place on any festival, I am sitting in my room any festival or common day just the same for me from inside, two of my friends have called me to their house, I will go in a short while, I am having a sleep-over at my friends place, she has been very kind to invite me at her place, I am just contemplating how much I should share with her about my life. I trust her but not enough to know the deep dark secret about my family life.

Its official we are totally screwed up family, I need to make more money and return all that they have spend on me because they have provided food water shelter to me so it's a big favor they have done since I was an unwanted child, whom they never wanted, but I am taking a vow that I will earn enough money and return every single penny they have spend on me, I wish all the scars they have given me on my heart can go some how , I know no plastic surgery will ever remove it from my subconscious, how they bit by bit destroyed me, I have to collect my pieces to stand this confident and smart. They have ruined my personality and left me with shattered self esteem.

But I never knew I was such a fighter that their ignorance towards me will make me stronger and work as a driving force for me, I have better personality and communication then their entire family. I am taking it to next level, I need to earn more money and buy a car and a house which is mine and I can use as I please. I also need an alternate mode of wealth creation, so that I can support all that life style I want.

What amazes me more is they have not changed one bit, nor their behavior towards me, they still never appreciate me for my efforts, I seriously pray that in next life I should be orphan then have parents like this.

I still remember that day when I told my parents that I don't feel happy, I was very young at that time, I did not know at that time that I was suffering from initial level of depression, they just mocked me on that thing and it became constant bashing point for them, that they can not do anything to make me happy.

I wonder why people give birth to child when they are not going to nurture that child. There are gazillion such incident which broke me completely by the time I reached at the age of 23 I was in serious depression, I only know how I came out of that depression state, When I remember those years my heart sink at that thought.

I decided I am not going to live my life according to any one. This is the most prominent decisions I have made in my life. I never wish any one should suffer what I have suffered.

Next day of Diwali 2015, I spend the night at my friend's house, when I came back home today evening another drama awaits me at home, my biological father, created a huge scene at home asking me to leave his house, and his wife to live in village, my brother just busted out with tears ,when his father created the drama, my brother wants to create peace among ourselves, but I feel it in my bones it is not going any where, they both going to fight like this ever, even today he is just putting whole blame on me, I know they never understood me and never will, I need to find job in another city because this is going to be death of me , I can not deal with this any more, my brother just preponed his ticket he is leaving tomorrow, I am not stopping him probably this is the best for him at this moment.

I said what I felt but that wound is not getting healed in any time soon, it will take years to heal my heart, still those scars at my heart will never go.

I am not able to stop my tears, in moments like this Ireally feel their should be someone whom I can be myself with, I swear to godif I had any boyfriend I would have married