Between Sky & Earth !

Chapter 2

Every night I promise to myself that I will leave this organization but I am just stuck here as I am unable to get another job. Today I got even more depressed when I head about the termination of a fellow colleague with whom I use to go for a dance practice.

It was heart breaking how MNCs just don't have any ethics, I hate India more then anything. This country sucks. People are sallow and politicians are corrupt. India is doomed nation. I do not wish to live in this country.

Year 2003:

I was late for the class could not find the front seat so have to sit at the back, class was jam packed so have to adjust on the only empty chair in the room. The boy I sat next to stared at me strangely which made me self conscious as if I wasn't any less self conscious already. I just prayed this class to get over as soon as possible.

I came home but can not stop thinking about that boy.

Present day, Yesterday Paula asked me to help her with her interview thing, so I have promised her against my wishes to go with her for shopping. I went and again I went into deep thought why I have to be an extra on all her dates carrying her shopping bags giving her clothes when she wants to try new clothes, I kept asking myself why am I doing this one reason is that I can not say no, and I hate myself for that or may be I do not have anything better to do with my life then just to stick as a plus one with her. I am done taking backseat. Today is the last time I have gone anywhere with her and her boyfriend. I promise myself not to ever make myself feel that way.

May be I am weird that I don't like shopping, going to movies or going to malls to spend my time. I hate all this; this never makes me happy every time I want to go shopping I want to go alone I really don't want anyone to accompany me. I am better of alone then sticking around with people I don't want to spend my time with.

YEAR 2003: I was having 5 days off in my school in winters, I woke up in morning had breakfast and then again came to my room and slept, My father barged into my room & roughly pulled me by my arm very rudely and bitterly. This is happening from past 2 days.

I always felt my father hate me, or never wanted me in his life, since childhood he never use to like whatever I do. He didn't like if I take part in school functions, or participate on Independence Day events.

First memory I have of my father is he always compared me with some one else, humiliated me for being introvert and even went on to say I will never be able to pass in any interview in my life.

I remember once I unknowingly paid 4 cents. extra to a Courier Company and he humiliated me for hours for it. One more incident, I went with my aunt to market when she was visiting my city I just bought mere 5 doller top, I was very little at that time but he insulted me, on this for months. Just to tell my aunt is super rich 5 dollars top really doesn't matter to her.

There are numerous occasions when he totally ruined my happiness and insulted me in public just to satisfy his ego. In order to do so he just killed my soul bit by bit.

I have cried every night for 25 years. There is not a single day passed when I have slept before crying my heart out.

4 years I was in depression, I use to confine myself in a room do not use to meet or talk to any one in my house or out side. My self confidence was shattered. I was so afraid to speak to people. I could not speak one sentence straight. Since I was from a government school I was not able to converse in English and that was a big inferiority complex to me. My dressing sense use to suck. I have perturbed teeth; I was self conscious to even open my mouth in front of people.

Then came the volcano which erupted and burned everything, my low self esteem, my inferiority complex, and of course my relationship with my father. It was never his concern how I felt.

Present Day: It's been 5 years since I have not spoken with my father but I really have no regret I am very happy about the way things are right now.

Present Day: I just came face to face with the harsh truth how mean people can be they can just bitch about people and I think I am becoming like them. I need to get out of this.

I came to know that one of our former collogue lost his job in another company and he came to get a job here but my current boss and his former boss just made fun of him I might never understand people what got into them that they make fun of others problems, this cheap thrills I will never understand this even when I am labeled as Miss Mother Teresa. I can never relate with people's idea of fun. It is beyond me.

I have been feeling anxiety. Basically because my skip level supervisors are coming and my boss will again treat me as if I do not exist. I have recognized his double face very soon but people fall for his lies and false concern. I do not want to feel as if I really need their attention but I do not wish to feel I am no body. I want to leave this organization as soon as possible because I really do not wish to work here and it is not a good thing.

I need to calm my mind, today was my so called sister's birthday, I wished her over watts app and after reading my message long ago she sends me a thank you just for formality.

I wished her few times on weekend in return no weekend wishes but some picture of her sitting in some restaurant so I stopped messaging, last time I spoke with her she was bragging about where she goes to shopping, earlier she has send me a picture of some of her watch, after so many days without talking or even saying hello she sends me this things, dude seriously, get a life.

Since she is my sister I know her true character, she pretends she cares and act sweet on your face but behind your back she snort like anything, one of her friend was visiting her and she bitched about her and when she came home she acted all sweet . A lot or should I say 90% people fall this sweet girl act. But I know her like I know my name.

Present day: 13th Oct 2015

Yesterday I came home jaded, because the way some of the senior management people spoke with me, and the whole presentation exercise they have showed it has nothing for me that clearly state they do not have any thing to offer to support staff in terms of career growth, all I hear is fake commitments and falsification of facts.

That was the moment I realized I should not be in this organization because there is nothing for me in future, and nothing for me to learn and grow in the system.

I have to leave this job as soon as possible.

Today when I came was waiting to leave office I was too pissed with the little caring stunt pulled out by my super wiser. That moment it just hit me how double faced people are and they are limiting my roles so that trainer can take the entire role, including mine.

Shame on me if I don't switch this month, It is really pathetic of me to kept sticking to this horrible organization.

I need to get another job, before I get more frustrated. It is required for my mental well being

I wish after this Delhi trip I come back to quit this horrifying job.

Present Day14th Oct 2015

Morning I woke up with a huge burden on my head with low self esteem, I feel like some wimp who could not change this stupid job, and I am stuck in it, I reached office the one person I hate most is my supervisor because he has been lying to me since beginning, and I am being such a fool, I do not wish to work here for a single second, I have failed two interviews and I am so depressed right now. I do not wish to continue this job by any means but I have this money liability because if I do not earn I will be hand to mouth for so many things, that is the reason I need job immediately. It's now or never for me.