Between Sky & Earth !

The Valentine's Day <3

The Valentine's Day

My room mates were talking to there respective boyfriends on V day I was just staring the phone that some one will call or msg me but of no avail, finally I started typing frantically on my laptop.

I do not have a single friend or family or boyfriend whom I can share what I am going through I have always been alone fighting my battles alone living my sorrow's alone and crying alone.

But I have no complaints whatever like they say whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

So this made me stronger, now I have zero expectation from any one. I expected Freddie to be my friend forever, but he couldn't as he developed some other feelings for me. Steve couldn't remain my 4 am friend as he got over with his breakup with his gf and got on with his life. For him I was just someone whom he needed as he do not had anyone at that time when his gf left him. I helped him emotionally, financially, to make him feel special I have done so many things but seem all in vain because when I needed just a friend to talk to he gave me cold shoulder.

Life really teaches you who your real friends are. I am happy I met Raven she is a nice girl, and Canady she is a mature girl and good to talk to. I am happy I met Tashi, I have no high hopes from those people, at least I can call when I feel like talking to someone.

Then there are dark side as well, Howard he lied about everything, and I believed him all this while thinking he needed a friend. I was just a play thing to him just a conquest to show off that no girl is speared by him, but he did not succeed he verbally abused me, then after 3 months he msg and say it was in fit of anger for what he has done. He always use to curse that you are blessed that you have so many loving friends and family, but now it's a sham I put out for world earlier I had friends but due to his constant cursing I am left with no friends

Then their was Ava, she acted nice and stayed in my house like a family and hours she speak over phone when she needed, then she stopped replying and when I called to wish her birthday she disconnected my call that moment I realized how selfish she was and I am done with her that very moment.

No one ever loved me truly without any ulterior motives; neither do they understand my love for them, like Steve never understood my love and care, for him.

Now I stopped loving and caring about any one, because like they say when I need some one to hold me, my own two hands will be their , when I want someone to listen to its my own heart which listen to me and never ever betrayed me.

In India its all a sham, pure love and true care is never appreciated or respected, no one wants to hear the truth, if you lie then people will be nice to you, they lie endlessly and they are only happy when you lie, truth is never respected nor the people who speak truth, fake people get whatever they want, I vowed that I will never be like that, but after 30 years of my life experience I have realized if you lie only then you will be successful in all spear of life be it career, love life or family life. Everyone just want to hear the lies, there are no takers of truth.

I learned it now, so people will see where I can reach with lies I made up my mind that I will not speak truth at all, I am going to lie endlessly until I get all that I ever wanted.

If people want it this way so be it.

I thought people missed me in my old office and my boss is being generous to me but this bubble got busted when I got to know they only wanted me because it was effecting their attrition in the month of march. So they asked me to take leave and stuff. And I was feeling very proud to come back to this company where no one want me they just wish me to be here because they can not find a person who will work in this less salary. I gave interview today and that guy was nice enough to say that I am talented but not good for this job. But I am adamant that I will find work with good pay in big company like KPMG, Mackenzie, Google, IBM, Accenture and Cisco. If they want to reject me I will give as many interviews when rejection will stop rejecting me and accept me for who I am.

Another guilt which is welling up inside me is that I am not a good daughter if they are not good parents I am not a good daughter either, what I have done for them ever? My mother has been asking for one smart phone but I am unable to get her one as I am so useless to get a better paying job, my dad is jobless for a while, I can not even give him 10000 grand a month and say he no need to worry about anything.

If they failed me as parents I have failed them as daughter. I feel ashamed of myself what I have achieved in my life? I do not have a car, home or anything substantial which I can say I have earned it or purchased it.

I am 30 and I am not getting any younger so I better collect myself and find a better job. I can go back to people I was working with but there is no set pattern of things on which basis I can ask for my rights no leaves no increments and I am not sure I can manage in that small salary because it is similar as getting 14000 here in my small town.

I am not able to find one person in all those years who love me truly or whom I can talk to without a care in the world. I feel I am all alone even when I am among so many people I feel I do not belong to any of the people I talk to people here they are very below the mark I don't learn anything from them, then there are people who are too high society I feel out of place I am a mediocre that is why I have problem connecting in either of the places.

I feel no one understands me I am lost in my own feelings and no one ever understand what I go through.

Will I ever find someone who loves me for who I am and not judge me or ask me to behave according to his will? Who love me truly with his whole heart?

I sound hopeless at times but I still believe that out there is some one who cares for me truly not just pretend. But in all this I came to know who my real friends are and how much I can rely on people.

I lied so much in last few months but that's what people are happy with if I speak the truth people will vilify me but when I lie people are all supportive and nice to me, so people get what they want.

I am done being used by people friend's family and all the other people. It's my chance to pay back.