Between Sky & Earth !

Chapter 6

I woke up on Sunday morning at 11 am, I brushed my teeth and went to kitchen to get some breakfast, but as usual no breakfast was prepared for me. I started making myself poha, I turn on tap to wash poha under running water then I turned it off, a little water was dripping from tap because it was loosely turned off, my mother came to kitchen bitterly said turn off tap, don't you have bloody strength in your hands, everything is going to ruins and you are even making it worse, I didn't reply just finished my poha & exited the kitchen.

I went to market to collect my dress from boutique. When I came back few guest were there, I said hello to her and asked her to come to my room, my mother came and asked food to her and said very sweetly you also eat dear, I just ignored her question, & overheard my father saying from another room ask me food as well, how double faced they are morning only no breakfast for me and bitterly taunting when I was preparing it on my own now in front of her she is acting all sweet. This is how my so called parents are.

I really never want to see their faces ever again

28th Nov 2015: Some times I really feel lonely, even when I am among people, nobody cares for me, their has to be one person who loves me unconditionally and loves only me, but I guess I do not have the luxury to even be loved by someone exclusive, either I am a replacement or distraction or counted after long list of people.

They become nice when they want to, I do not feel any happiness when I hear any good news I have hard time connecting with people.

Nobody cares if I had food or not, and then they pretend that they care for me, They never did and never will. They think of me as a failure and not want to waste a dime on me, I do not have a one true friend whom I can share my whole life with.

This is the reason I don't believe in any God or supreme entity, its been so many years I stopped praying because I know if God was there somewhere he can not be that unfair with me. So now I am responsible for my own actions

Now you know the truth nobody loves you nobody cares for you, you don't have a single friend whom you can call when you are distressed, All your friends betrayed you, they were with you when they needed you to get over their bread up, do little time pass, wanted to visit their cousin, you were a fool to think you were their friend, they only wanted an acquaintance when no one was free to attend them. It's your fault to trust again and again and betrayed by friends. How can you even blame those strangers when your own family betrayed you time and again, because they never wanted you in their life at the first place.

You are not more then a burden to them whom they just cant get rid of because of society

They did that again with me, they locked the house and went somewhere and not bothered to give keys to my neighbors, which they could have done it, It was worse kind of storm hit the city as if it was mimicking my emotions, I have to sit in another persons house for hours because they just don't bothered about me.

I am seriously thinking about getting married by my own I will not want their presence in my important day. I have decided I am done hiding the truth, fuck them if they are least bothered about me why should I give a damn to them.

They only bothered about money, my so called mother messaged me and said get 2000 Rs. for electricity bill. They can stoop so low I have never imagined, last Saturday her daughter's in-laws were here so they act all nice in front of them, they gave me money as a gesture of gift, I returned that money to them and they kept it happily, now it has come down to this, they only worry about their children which never include me, and money. These people are so selfish and call me selfish, now that is rich.

On diwali they were only concerned that what people must have been thinking, they were least concerned that I was away from home.

I got a job offer, to get away from this mess, but again there are thousands of things I need to be worried for before I move out of this shit hole, but I am certain about one thing this is my life I will not let them ruin them and be happy about it.

I am too determined to give that happiness to them.

My best friend got married, whom I thought I hold so much value but that illusion was shattered too, he did not even informed me let alone inviting me.

Its always happen with me always stood by my so called friends be it a girl or boy all are just the same, but I am not angry at them anymore.

Today: 5th Dec 2005: Again I feel self conscious, I am loosing my confidence these people have done this before and now again they are doing this to me, I am loosing my self confidence and becoming more and nervous about the way I speak the way I dressed. It is time for another revolution, I need to change my wardrobe, my diction, language and everything to stand out in crowed, my life has been an constant struggle to do something different and do it well, again I feel I am where I started broken shattered and not knowing how I will be able to change things but I have to do something about it I can not just sit and sulk over my condition and blame everyone. I have to be strong enough to show these people who love to see me fail, I want to be so rich and famous that these people will understand that I am not a failure, I need to pull up myself and get things going.

First and far more priority is to increase my earnings, and savings for my dream. I do not want to be that typical married Indian women, I want to see the world experience it and live in different part of the world so that I can understand other cultures and give the kind of exposure to my children which I never got, I will never let my child feel alone and broken the way they made me feel. They made me feel as if my whole being is a mistake. I would like to show them I am much more then what they think of me. I am not some low life whom they treat like dirt and humiliate always.

I really do not want any of those people in my wedding, that is the reason I want to marry on my own so that there is no connection left with them, they never treated me like one of their own, I was always branded as an outsider.

I can not live like this, we have one life and we have to live this life not drag it like they want me to do. I want to show them I am not some puppet they can make it feel miserable.