Carry On My Wayward Universe

Chapter 15

Ash:

After that little talk, I was trying to comfort Amy but the truth was I felt like falling apart just as much as she had. It was a hell of a situation and I felt my bitterness growing every second because of it. "Dean, it's been a long day, I'll head to bed." I told him standing up, trying to figure out what was going on in my hurricane of thoughts.

He looked at me concerned.

Dean... I thought, looking back at the ground again.

This was like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. On one hand I could completely and truly fall for him, which was a pit that looked very appealing and have to eventually hit rock bottom. If I fell that far I may not get up again.

On the other hand, there was the option of alienation. Tell Amy I was going on a road and probably wouldn't see her again until our clock was up. Make it easier for Dean and me...

Both options, in short, sucked.

The bunker was insanely quiet, if Amy and Sam were talking (which they probably were), they were being very quiet about it.

This silence settling around me would drive me off the deep end. Another thing I hated about the option of alienation, silence, and not interacting with people is one of the worst things that could happen to me.

Becoming friends with Amy was the best thing that ever happened to me, even during the holidays when we would have to go back to home (which was nonexistent for me) she'd always open up her home to me.

She is my better half, if she ever says anything about worrying about me it's the same for me. She's the most caring person I've ever met, she'll sit down and be sympathetic to a person who has had their entire world crushed numerous times. Yet she cares little to nothing about herself which kills me because she can't see how beautiful, loving, and amazing she is.

If I lost her I wouldn't be able to function. A proper description for my life without her in it is as if, let's say, I was a machine. All of my wiring is starting to deteriorate, my gears are rusty, and along she comes, practically a mechanic. Fixed everything so that now my life was a well oiled machine. If she were to disappear, my machinery would cease to function. Rust into ruin. The wiring throwing off sparks and would electrocute anybody who tried to fix me.

"Ashley...?" Dean asked, pulling me out of my deteriorating thoughts, and I looked up at him. "Yeah?" "You look like you're about to cry." "Maybe I am." I whispered, realizing the tears stinging my eyes and giving me blurry vision. He walked over and pulled me into his arms and I pressed my face into his chest.

This whole goddamned day has been one downhill slope after another. It seemed like I was falling and dragging everybody down with me.

"Come on, you said you were tired." He said picking me up bridal style and I gave a small nod.

Funny how sleep works, I feel like death has personally visited me yet as soon as I'm in a bed my brain flips the switch on and all I can hear is my deafening mind and questions tumbling around in my brain.

"I can't sleep." I muttered, staring up at the ceiling as he stretched out beside me on the bed. "Do you have insomnia?" He asked me and I shrugged, "Never had enough money or parents that cared enough to take me so I don't know. It comes in waves like everything else in my fucking life."

A deep sigh escaped me and I rubbed my eyes, he turned so he was lying on his back as well. It was like he was doing anything he could so he could understand what my thought process was. Like hell I don't even know why my brain does the things it does.

"Did today change what you thought about God?" Dean asked, reaching over for my hand which was lying at my side. "Yes...and no." I said before taking a deep breath.

"When I was little yeah I believed there was an all powerful, merciful God who frolicked in heaven with angels yada yada yada. Mom and dad died and I began to wonder: 'If there is a God then why would he take mom and dad from me?' Then it hit me. He didn't give a damn anymore. Course there are those select miracles that happens to people who live extraordinary lives but all of those who aren't heroes are stuck scrounging around for our own miracles. Apparently, by today he just wants to pick random people to give hell to. Like we're his form of entertainment."

After saying my piece, and knowing that said dickhead was probably watching me, a little voice in my head was saying: You probably shouldn't bash the all powerful. He brought you here, he can easily send you back. The other voice was saying: You know what? I don't give a damn anymore. He took my from my life only to give me an amazing one just to take it away again. What else have I got to lose?

The eldest Winchester was quiet for a while. "I used to think somewhere along the lines of that too. That God doesn't believe in the human race anymore." "And...?" "He gave me my brother back, he's given friends...some of which aren't around anymore, and memories I wouldn't give up if my life depended on it. Plus he gave me you." He finished. Suck up. I thought, even so a smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. "Pretty awful gift if he gave me to you. A gag gift."

He shrugged, "Maybe in a way. Why do people breath when they know they'll die? Why do people fight when they know they could be killed? They do it because they want to. I want you with me, I want to take every moment as it comes even if I know it will end." He finished.

If I wanted to cry a little while ago, now I wanted to have a full on breakdown.

Next to Amy, he was the only person who made me feel like my life wasn't a curse on everybody I met.

A tear trailed down my cheek as I turned over on my side. "Dean...thank you." "You're welcome." He replied with a sad smile pulling me into his arms again. "God made the world in a week, what do you think we could do in seven months, right?" He asked and I let out a tear choked laugh. "You're an idiot." "Oh but you love me for it." He replied, and even though I couldn't look up at him I could practically feel his smile.

Seven months, huh.

Guess we'll just have to see what happens.