Carry On My Wayward Universe

Chapter 14

Amy:

I lay my head on Sam's chest and try to focus on things other than his heart beat and it isn't working. The projector is working and we are watching The Wizard of Oz, well he is. I'm just slightly panicking. I can't figure out what is causing the feeling. Whether it is Sam, or if something is wrong with Ash.

I remember when I was a little girl, ok so not that little, like 15, I developed anxiety issues. I always thought it had something to do with my current situation so I ended up cutting out a lot of friends due to it. What I eventually told myself was that one day, I'd find my best friend for life and that right now, she was in trouble and I just had a super power. Imagine my surprise when as a college girl, I met Ash and found that my anxiety lined up perfectly with her issues and now it had a purpose.

As soon as I sit up and feel the need to pace, Ash walks in looking like death. It was actually a small decline from her condition when she left. "Ash, are you alright?" I ask, ignoring the look of pain on Dean's face. "Uh yeah, my stomach hurts, that's all," she responds with a shake of her head and a forced smile. "So on top of kicking me aside, you are going to lie to me as well,"I say, feeling angry tears rise to the occasion. Great.

"Amy can you cut her a break?" Dean asks, seeming defensive. "Hey Dean, can you cut her a break?I haven't seen you for a day and a half and I kinda get where she's coming from," Sam says, piping up from behind me with his arm still wrapped around me. "No one asked for your help," I say, whipping around and throwing my ands up. "Amy calm down okay? I'm sorry and I know that you feel pretty shitty, that's partly my fault and partly yours. I'm fine," Ash says.

We learned a long time ago that it didn't matter if I was fine. Telling me that I was fine and that I was okay was a generally bad idea because I didn't worry about myself practically ever. I only ever worried about her and her safety. Mental safety and her physical safety. It was all I really did. My anxiety doesn't thrive for me, it lives and breathes for her. She also knows that irrationally blaming someone else for all of my problems set me off as well.

Ash sits down beside me and I lean on her shoulder. "I'm sorry that I'm being pissy,"I groan. "No worries,"she chuckles but it sounds like she might cry and I know that she is looking at Dean, because when isn't she? "Okay, seriously, what is going on?" I demand, sitting up and throwing my hands up again.

"Seven months," she mutters. "Seven months since what?" I ask, getting frustrated. "Seven months until we have to go back!" Ash yells at me, clearly upset by my lack of sensitivity. "I'm sorry," I say quietly. "How do you know that?" I ask, calming myself a little before asking. "God told me," she says, closing her eyes, bracing herself for my sometimes abrasive personality. "Out of every time I've ever asked for proof, every time I've needed him, every time I had nowhere to pull strength from except blind faith in him! He comes to you with an answer to shatter our worlds?"I ask, letting myself cry.

You have got to understand. When my mother was dying, I prayed every chance I got. I needed my mother to be around for me. I needed her because I loved her and because she wasn't done doing all the good she wanted to. She was hunting for the cure to a disease she didn't know she had. I prayed before every meal as a Thank You, I prayed before bed for hope of the next day. I prayed when I woke up for strength to make it through the day. When he took her away I nearly stopped but I knew that my brother was high risk and I still needed to believe in something. God was that something. God has always been that something. That greater being.

"I know, I know," Ash sighs, pulling me against her shoulder as my body shakes with sobs. I let out a loud groan as I start thinking again and she laughs. "Shut it off,"she says, stroking my hair. Shut it off. We used to stay up late thinking about random things and when it would take a sad turn, I'd look at her and simply say "Shut it off" and she would sigh, stop thinking, and fall asleep pretty quickly.

I push thoughts of empty prayers and the God that let me down. I push aside thoughts of the old woman my mother never got around to being. I push aside the thoughts of long nights and blind faith. The tears dry, I sit up with a sniffle and Ash laughs with tears in her eyes. "I've got you, remember?" she asks with a sad smile. "Yeah, no matter what, I've got you," I say, hugging her once more for good measure before realizing that both the guys have left the room.

"Wizard of Oz?" Ash asks, propping her feet on the coffee table and grabbing the bowl of half unfinished popcorn. "Yeah," I say, leaning back against the couch and feeling the snake of anxiety in my stomach unravel and stop being a little ball of worry. "So we're not going to talk about it?" I ask quietly, shoving a handful of popcorn in my mouth. "I wasn't planning on it," she shrugs. I know she was but we don't really need to. That's something we each need to discuss separately with the Winchesters.

By the end of the movie, I feel confident in my place as her best friend and I know that I am the Cowardly Lion. She is as always, Dorothy. We always come to that conclusion. I'm thinking that I need to be the Tin Man though. Just because the Tin Man doesn't have a heart, if I am the Tin Man, I won't fall in love and then I won't miss him when I leave.

"I have a plan," I say quietly as we sit in the mostly dark room now that the movie is over. "Yeah?" she asks, seemingly disinterested and I don't blame her because she isn't stupid. She knows that it's about our time limit. "I'm refusing to fall further in love. I am not doing this. I will not play along with this stupid game," I say, keeping my eyes down. "Okay, that's your plan. I don't know what I am going to do, but that isn't it," Ash responds, leaving the room.

So I go off to find Sam and tell him my plan but the closer I get to finding him, the more I regret it. I know that this is the best idea for the future but is it a good idea for the next seven months? No it is not and I know that.

I feel different with him. Different in a good way, not in a freak face way. And I like the way he makes me feel but that's what is supposed to happen and then I have to go away, like it or not. That my friend makes all the difference. "Hey," Sam says, startled when he opens his bedroom door. I have no idea how long I've been standing out side of it with my fist raised in the air to knock. I do something I didn't know I wanted to do. I kiss him and start crying. I am always on the brink of tears but not on the brink of kissing someone before falling about. The last time that happened, the dude threw me into a night stand and I think I still have the scar on my lower back.

"Sam," I mutter, crying against his chest. "Yes Amy?" he asks, rubbing my back. "I never want to let you go. I don't want forever to end in seven months," I ramble. "Neither do I," he says, hugging me tighter. "Would you settle for twenty years?" he asks, leaning his forehead against mine. "What?!" I ask, my mind spinning for a minute. "No," I say, grasping his question. Cross-roads demon. No way, no thanks. "It would buy us more time," he says nodding. "No." "Amy I re-" "No Sam. We're not doing that. Who knows where we'll be in twenty years and no way am I going to be any more ready then,"I say. "Okay," he says, kissing my forehead.

It's crazy to think I've only known him for a few days. It feels like it's been years. This is what true love feels like huh? I hate that this can't last forever but at least I've got Ash.