The Green Eyed Monster

Ch. 6

My feet drag as I walk into school. I think I'd like morning more if it wasn't so goddamn bright. It's like it's mocking me. I let my head hang, shielding the sunshine with a curtain of hair. I'm exhausted... physically, emotionally... I didn't get much sleep. I tossed and turned all night, trying not to think of Beck. But at the same time, thinking of Beck was all I had. It was torture... it is torture.

I like dragging my feet over the concrete, hearing the rubber soles rasp over speckled cement. It makes my despair feel more tangible. Plus, I simply don't have to energy to lift my feet, my bag hanging heavily off my shoulder like a tonne of bricks. What I'm saying is, I'm not in top form. Even for me. I wrinkle my nose distastefully. People are too loud. It's not like they're even saying anything, just empty blather about television and relationships and blah blah blah. I hate it. I wish I could just mute everything. Just... silence, and darkness. I smirk. Sometimes I'm such a stereotype. Such an angst-y young teen, with oh-so-many problems. I know it's stupid, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just another one of those idiots out there. Maybe that's why I hate them so much. Because I'm one of them.

Cat comes bouncing up, red velvet hair shining in the morning sun. It's like a visual assault, especially in her bright floral dress. At least there doesn't seem to be a lot of it. By which I mean it's like a long shirt in length. "Hiya Jade!"

I scowl. I am so not in the mood for this. For her. "Hey." I adjust my bag on my shoulder, trudging forward. She starts chattering, walking alongside me, her arm brushing mine every now and again, and I pick up random fragments that grate into my brain. Stupid words like 'cupcake', 'lemur' and 'blueberries'. Words that are too shiny for me. I turn to her, putting a hand up. "Stop alright? Just shutup already!" I yell, Cat cowering as if I'd hit her.

Cat puts a hand to her mouth. "I-I'm sorry." Her voice is quiet and sad, and I wish I hadn't yelled at her, because I know she's sensitive. I reach out to her and she flinches, and I draw my hand back. I feel a burst of anger. What? Now she's scared of me? Screw this. I sigh angrily and storm away. Great. This day is turning out just great.

It's lunchtime and I'm feeling like crap. I mean, physically I feel better. I managed to sneak some coffee in between classes. But I've had Cat in my classes, and I'd have to be blind not to see how hurt she is, how confused. And usually, I'm overjoyed to inspire these emotions in people, but Cat can't handle it. I can sense her glances at me, quick little looks that linger. But I'm proud. Too proud to apologise. Not that I want to.

"I see your plan's working." I look up, startled by the voice behind me. I turn, Beck looking down at me, his arms folded.

"What do you mean?" I push my lunch away and turn to face him, crossing my legs.

Beck raises his eyebrows. "Your plan to hurt Cat. Good job."

I scowl at him. "I'm not trying to hurt her. Why do you even care?"

Beck looks away, nostrils flaring. "I don't like what you're doing." He scuffs his shoes on the concrete. I fight to keep a smirk off my face. "It's not you Jade." Beck rubs the back of his head before turning away, disheartened by my lack of response. But inside I'm cheering. I return with relish to my salad, glad that no one's sitting with me. I didn't expect anyone to side with me, but it's for the best. I can gloat when I'm alone. Sometimes I don't know whether I'm respected, or just feared. Same thing I guess. I glance over at Beck's table, and he's chatting seriously with Tori, looking over at me every now and again. I squint. Cat's not there. I chew a mouthful of lettuce absentmindedly. She couldn't really be that hurt, right? If she's missing lunch, then it's serious. Girl loves her food. I sigh. Why do I have to feel bad? Guilt is such a useless emotion.

I pull out my phone, texting her. I set my phone down on the table, picking at my salad, and try not to jump when I hear the message tone. I deliberately take another mouthful of the bland salad, chewing thoroughly, before reaching over and picking my phone up.

I make my way to my car, taking my time. Look, I'm not good with words. Nice ones, anyway. I see Cat's red hair first, a splash of colour in the drab greens and browns. She's sitting under a tree near the parking lot, her knees tucked up under her chin. She looks so small, and I can't help but think of what she said the other day, about the dead trees, and whether it hurt them to die.

She perks up when she sees me, and I give an awkward little wave. Why am I doing this? I hate awkward situations. She clambers to her feet, brushing the dirt from her dress. "Hey! You came!"

I frown. "Of course I came. I'm the one who texted you."

She shrugs. "I thought maybe you'd changed your mind... people don't always come when they say they're going to. They lie." I look at her closely, and see that her eyes are red-rimmed, and the hand she uses to rub them is nail-bitten. And her voice is low, lower than I've ever heard it, and that bubbly sweetness, that lilting pitch is gone. She sounds normal, and I'm surprised to find myself hating it, hating her normal.

I don't know how to apologise... not for real, so I just blurt it out. "Look, I'm sorry okay?"

Cat's brown eyes go wide, "Sorry for what?"

I roll my eyes, "For yelling at you. I was tired."

She smiles, her face lighting up a little. "Oh. That's okay, everyone yells at me."

I look at her questioningly. She's lying. Not about everyone yelling at her, I can vouch for that, but that it's okay. I saw her this morning. She was hurt. Hell, I see her now.

Cat licks her lips, looking down. "You don't like me." The way she says it, it's not even a question.

And I'm even worse at this than I am at apologising. "I- I do. I like you a lot."

She bites her lip, moving closer to me, and her scent hits me, making my head swim. She smells... fruity, but not too fruity, not oversweet like I keep expecting. "Can... can I kiss you Jade?"

I raise my eyebrows. She's never asked. "Yeah. Sure."

Cat lifts her head tentatively to my mine, her lips brushing me. I push into her, bringing our lips together more firmly, and she sighs, her hand sliding into my hair. And I'm more eager than I realised, more forceful than I should be, and I realise I'm coming to savour her lips, her taste.

There's something about the way she kisses, something that I noticed before, and I hate it, but at the same time, it's so alluring. She gives herself up completely, commits entirely, and it's not just lips-on-lips for her, not just sensation. She puts her whole self into it, like it's a part she wants to play, a moment she loses herself in. And I hate it, that she's so goddamn vulnerable, so... pliable, but it makes me feel powerful... that I can do this to her, that I can do whatever I want with her. It's a temptation to the dark side that I really didn't need. My hands tighten on her, pulling her closer into me, and I wonder just how far I can go. I feel that... that arousal rise in me, and it takes me by surprise again. I mean, I saw it coming, I'm not stupid, I know how kissing works. But it's... more intense than I expected. The girl has magic lips. I flick my tongue over her lips, and she opens her mouth wider, pressing her body into me harder, and I can feel her, even through our layers of clothing. I explore her mouth teasingly, relishing this power, even while my conscience, diminished as it is, screams at me to stop, that this is wrong - I shouldn't enjoy it this much. She moans, and it's like a shock, and I jump, pulling back. Cat smiles at me. "What is it?"

I shake my head, trying to clear it. What was it? Why did I stop? It was good, so good, and then she moaned and- she moaned. I felt a shiver run up my spine, recalling the sound. Okay, I know kissing her is nice, but her moaning shouldn't make me want to jump her so bad, shouldn't make me all hot and bothered inside. "N-nothing." And looking at her flushed face, her lips all shining and smiling, it shouldn't make me want to kiss her again. I shouldn't want to kiss her at all.

As we walk to class, Cat's hand entwined in mine, I feel my mind racing furiously. I knew this was a bad idea... I just didn't think it would be for this reason. Look, I don't like Cat. I don't- can't... she- she just does something to me. It's physical, that's all. I wasn't expecting it. Wasn't expecting her to make me feel as much as, if not... no. As much as Beck. Physically.

I just have to stop kissing her so much. I'm liking it too much.

Physically.

A/n~
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