The Green Eyed Monster

Ch. 22

I drop Cat at home at the end of the day, pulling up outside her house just as the sun is starting to sink in the sky. It picks out the colour in her hair, gives it a glow, and it matches her face in it's radiance. I like to think I'm making a difference, that maybe today was just a little easier for her, just a little better than usual.

I've said it before, but it still amazes me. She's changed me, and it sounds so cliché, so stupid to suggest that one person can make you change who you are, but that's what she's done. People try to change you all the time, try to pick you into what they want you to be, which is usually a version of them. But Cat... she's disarmed me, just by not trying to change me at all. It's made me realise how much time I've spent adapting to what people want, all the while claiming not to give a shit. I just convinced myself that those changes were what I wanted. So to admit that she's changed me by not changing me... it's confusing, but it's not so much that she's changed me as that I've reverted to what I am underneath. Half of me is a turtle shell, a thick skin that I hide behind, and I'm only now just poking my head out. Sure, that doesn't mean I'm all nice and sweet now... I never was, that's just not who I am, but I'm not so defensive, not so offensive. The edge is off me, I guess you'd say... I've gone soft. It's just a relief to be able to relax with her, to not have to worry about what I'll say because I know she won't judge me... I just have to make sure that it's not derogatory.

I walk Cat to her door, hoping to God I don't see her parents. I may have changed, but if I see them... so help me God, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from destroying them. And Cat doesn't need that at the moment. Despite herself, she still loves them, even if I think they don't deserve to even have children. Or be alive.

Cat lingers at the door, looking back at me. "I had fun today." She smiles softly. "I really did."

"Yeah. It was alright." That's another thing. Cat understands what I say. She knows I'm reticent, that I don't gush with enthusiasm like she does. She understands that what I say means more for me than it would for someone else. In other words, 'alright' for me is a pretty damn good day.

I say goodbye to her and walk back to the car, just buckling my seatbelt when I get a text. It's from Cat.

Drive safe! ^_^

I catch myself smiling goofily, turning it quickly to a scowl. Snap out of it West! Just 'cause you're with Cat doesn't mean you have to go all lovey-dovey. I drive home, and it's odd not to have her there. There's an eerie silence broken only by the low chatter of the radio, and it's strange how I've already gotten used to her being there. I've spent so much time with her lately, looking after her - I swallow hard - kissing her, trying to figure her out... it's like I don't know what to do now. It's like I've forgotten how I lived without her, and I know it's overly dramatic to say that, but I'm at a loss, trying to remember what exactly it was I did all day without her. It's like having a kid, really. A kid you can makeout with, yes, but it's fundamentally the same. I can't leave her alone in a store, or else she wanders off and gets lost. I can bribe her with candy, not to mention rides on those machines outside supermarkets, and I have to stop at every pet store we see, just in case they have puppies. That's not to say I'm complaining, it's just... it's different to what I had with Beck. I mean, we hardly ever did anything, just hung out in his trailer most of the time, watching old movies and sleeping together. I have a lot more in common with Beck than I do with Cat... it'll take some getting used to, but I do plan to get used to it.

I get home, sending Cat a text message and letting her know I'm safe, even though I feel like an idiot doing it. My parents tell me briefly about their visit to Cousin What's-his-face, and I nod politely and pretend to be interested. I just feel listless. And exhausted. Without her energy to bolster me, I realise how tired I actually am.