The Green Eyed Monster

Ch. 33

I slam the door to my car, the sound like a gunshot, ricocheting through the night, crickets falling silent. I can hear Beck's TV filtering through the thin metal of his RV. I can just picture him in there, reclining on his bed, one hand on his stomach, the other propping his head up. It makes that storm in my gut, in my heart, in my head churn stronger, and I'm buzzing, humming with anger. I need to fill myself with something, and that something used to be love, but that doesn't work anymore, it just weighs me down, it's turned to lead in me, and I need it out. I need this anger fizzing through my veins.

I bang on his door with a closed fist, the metal rattling. I feel like I could punch straight through it. Anger makes me strong, it always has. It's always blocked everything out. It's the only useful thing I feel. "Beck. Open the fucking door." I bang on it harder, the thin, cold metal jumping under my hand. I cross my arms as I hear movement inside, fingers tight around my sides, pressing hard into the material of my shirt. It's old, and it's black, and my jeans are too tight and the wrong shade of blue, but I don't care. Whatever I pulled out of my closet I put on. I just needed to come, I just needed to act before this energy went away, before it faded and I could feel Cat again, digging into me like a broken rib, protuding through my skin and poking into my lung with every breath, reminding me that she's broken, that she's gone, that she snapped from where she belonged. Next to my heart.

I'm about to bang on the door again when it opens outwards, and I take a step back, stirring the smouldering anger in me until it bursts into flames. Beck runs a hand through his hair, looking at me curiously. "Jade? What are you doing here?" He dips his head, looking at his feet. "Look, I'm sorry about today, I just-"

"Let me in." I say flatly, moving forward and pushing him back, Beck unresisting. I'm tempted to sit, but I'm far too agitated for that. I need to move about.

Beck looks at me curiously, thick, dark eyebrows turned up, and how can he look so clueless, how can he be so calm? "Hey, what's wrong?"

I stop my pacing, foot instead jogging on Beck's brown carpet. I've got to channel this energy somehow, and I used to do it through sex. But that was mainly Tori's fault... she just gets under my skin somehow, she was responsible for most of my anger. I stare at Beck incredulously, scoffing. "Wrong? Is something wrong? No, no, nothing's wrong. Nothing's fucking wrong at all Beck. I'm fucking peachy. How 'bout you?"

Beck puts up his hands defensively. I always used to love his hands. They're so delicate, but so strong. An artist's hands. Now I just wanna break each finger slowly until they're just a mangled mess. "Talk to me. Is it about Cat?"

I smile tightly at him, and I can feel my eyebrows narrowed over my nose, feel them digging down so low, and I fight to relax it a little. Anger is all I have in me, and it's consuming. "You remember today? 'I don't love you. Even if I didn't care about Cat, it still wouldn't work.' You remember that?"

Beck's mouth twists, dark eyes flickering down. "Yeah. I'm sorry, Jade, I talked to Lane and-"

I put my hand up. "Shut up. This isn't about you. She heard me, Beck. Cat heard everything. She knows I used her, she knows I lied to her. And it's your fault." My tone is harsh, grating out of me and stinging like acid.

Beck's eyebrows jerk down, his nostrils flaring. "Whoa, I'm sorry about that, but it's not my fault Jade. I didn't make you say those things."

I take a step closer, that broken rib making my breath hitch. "You did. You made me say those things by not taking a hint. By being a fucking baby, Beck. Look, I'm sorry I used you and Cat, but you need to grow up. Get over it, and be a man."

Beck licks his lips, pink flesh pressed tight in a thin line, jaw muscles pulling tight in his tan cheeks. "I can't help the way I feel Jade. You think I want to still be in love with you? It kills me everytime I see you with her. I want to be happy for you. I'm trying."