The Green Eyed Monster

Ch. 14

"So do you love her?"

"Love's a big word."

"It's only four letters Jade."

"Yeah, but they're all capitals." I snort, reclining on Beck's bed. I forgot what it was like to just spend time with him, to just hang out. It's comfortable. It's rare. It's weird, but he seems okay. He seems... happy for me, which is more than I am for myself. I don't know how he can be so cool about it, so calm. I don't know how he can keep from yelling at me, from covering his ears and humming. It's what I'd do. The smile from my face fades into a frown. "She's... she's not right." I start hesitantly, unsure how to explain.

Beck mirrors my frown. "What do you mean?"

I bite my lip, searching for a way to describe what's mostly a gut feeling. "You know how Cat seems like a ditz? How she's all happy and perky all the time?"

Beck's lips turn up in a faint smile. "Yeah. You used to complain about it."

I'm surprised at the pang of guilt I feel. "She's not. Not really, I think. I think... I think there's something wrong with her. Something..." I sigh, because I have no idea what I'm talking about. It's all supposition. The only real evidence I have is... is her crying when I... when... when I touched her. And that could've been for any number of reasons. I'm still kicking myself over leaving. I'm a coward, and I'm scared, and admitting it only makes it worse. "I don't know. She's... broken."

Beck looks at me, uncomprehending. "It's... it's like she's wearing a mask. Like she's trying to be a child, because... because... I don't know. It slips sometimes... the mask, and... she's fragile, Beck. I don't know what to do."

Beck looks at me solemnly. "Do you want her?"

My voice is barely above a whisper when I answer. "Yes."

Beck's jaw tightens for a moment before relaxing. "Then you should be telling her this. If you want to help her, ask. Whatever happened," I open my mouth to protest, but he cuts me off. "Look, I know something happened, just because you're here. Uh, don't tell me what though. But whatever it was... it scared you. If you want her, you either need to deal with that or forget about her. Don't pretend it doesn't exist. It only gets worse the longer you leave it." He's talking about us now, staring at me. And he's right. I pushed away the fact that we were drifting apart, that that thing that held me to him so tightly was unravelling. I pretended it wasn't happening, and it's come to this.

He's right. He's always been right, and it's something I hate about him. And it's something I love about him. "What if... what if it's something I can't fix?" I say hesitantly, because giving voice to your fear doesn't lessen it, it only makes it more real, more tangible.

"Would you rather not try at all?"

I would. Part of me, anyway. The most selfish, base part of me wants nothing to do with this. It's all too hard, too difficult, and it's the most egotistical part of me. Frankly, I'm sick of it. It's a rotten seed in me that I've been letting germinate for far too long.

I know what I have to do, and I'm going to hate every step of it, but it's something I want... something I have to do.

Cat's mom looks surprised when I come to the door, asking for Cat. She leads me to her daughter's room, studying me like I'm something she doesn't understand. "Cat doesn't have many friends over. She's kept to herself mostly." I nod politely. I understand all to well that Cat tends to live in her own little world. "She... she could use a friend like you sweetie." I almost snort. If her mom only knew what I'd been doing to her...

We reach Cat's door, a big, brightly coloured plaque with her name in Comic Sans on it. Cat's mom knocks lightly. "Cat dear, there's a friend here to see you!"

I see where Cat gets it; that false brightness. She's learned it off her mom, except Cat doesn't have that hardness underneath. Cat's still soft. She can still be hurt. Her mom's built a wall up, and she looks at everything from a distance. It makes it easier; I know, I do it too. But Cat... she's down there, in the heaving, seething mass, and it's suffocating her.

Cat opens the door, and much to my confusion, she's smiling. It's her usual gigawatt smile, and it's completely disarming, and I can't help but feel there's something I'm missing. Was I dreaming? Did I dream everything that happened between us? No one else makes me this unsure of myself. I've never... ever doubted myself before this. Before her.

Cat shuts her door softly as I cross to her bed, sitting down heavily. I feel my heart thud heavily as I see her lean against the door for a moment, her head bowed. She's gathering herself. It's an act; it's all an act, and I feel so stupid for never noticing. To just assuming she was ditzy, she was confused, she was airheaded. It was easy. She made it so easy to dismiss her.

Cat turns, and her smile is more subdued this time, and she sits at the head of her bed, tucking her legs up underneath her. "You came here to break up with me." She says it quietly, as a statement, as a fact, and she's so sure I start to wonder if that's what I was here for. "You didn't need to. It's nice, but you could've just... I would've assumed anyway..." The whole time that smile never leaves her face, just stays there, soft and sad. It's the most depressing smile I've ever seen, and it tears me to shreds.

"Cat... I'm not here to break up with you. I- I never should've left before. Cat... I... I'm not good at doing this." I take a deep breath. "I... I want to be with you. For... for real this time. I... I really like you," It seems inappropriate, to say that I like her... it doesn't feel right, but I can't adequately express myself in words. I wish I could see her eyes, but they're downcast, focused on her hands, and all I can see is her smile, her lips starting to tremble. "It's not about Beck anymore... it... it hasn't been for a while. Cat... I-"

"Stop." Her voice is shaking, and I catch a flash streak down her face. A tear... tears. She looks up at me finally, and her eyes are wide. "This is how it starts. It's how it... how it always starts." She ignores the tears spilling from her eyes, and I only wish I could do the same. "Don't do this. P-please."

She's making it so hard for me to breathe. What... what did I do? What have I done? "Cat... I'm not gonna leave. Not again. I want you."

"Please don't say that. Please, please." She's putting her hands over her ears, rocking back and forth, and I move closer to her, wrapping my arms around her. She's begging me even as she falls against me, murmuring the words over and over again, her tears dampening me, and I can't help but wonder, as I rock back and forth with her, my lips pressed against her hair. What broke her so badly?

I feel my doubt resolve as I hold her, feel her shiver in my arms and cling to me so desperately, even while she's begging me to let her go. I can't go. Not now. Whatever I was... whatever I became, it's gone. I'm not going to run from her, I'm not going to pretend. I'm going to find out what happened, and I'm going to deal with it. I'm not going to hurt her anymore. Because the things she's saying... they're breaking my heart. She's pretending, so hard, that she's happy. But this is her, this sobbing girl who's begging me not to love her.

I'm going to find out why. I need to. For her and for me.

A/n~
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