The Green Eyed Monster

Ch. 39

I manage to collapse into the driver's seat of my car before I break down. My hands are shaking, clenching and unclenching on the wheel, and I take them away, try to push them into my lap and still them, but it only makes me aware of how the rest of me is shivering, jerking and twitching like I'm some marionette whose strings are being tugged here and there, made to perform a macabre dance. I press my palms into my eyes instead, stemming the tears that well there. I'm not going to cry again. I'm not. I'm done crying, I'm done being a mess. But I can't stop a sobbed breath from breaking free, ripping out of my chest and unsticking my lips. I don't want to breathe through my mouth, I don't want to remember my lips, because she's all that's on them, and I can't have her there, I can't have seeping into my lungs and getting into my bloodstream. I can't. She... she can't. She just can't.

She kissed back. I know she did. I've kissed her before and she hasn't responded, she's just let me kiss her because she's too scared, too weak to stop me, but she kissed me back, dammit. She pushed me away, but her lips didn't lie. She kissed me back. She still wants me.

I yank my hands away from my face, taking a deep breath. I shouldn't have let her leave, I shouldn't have let her run away again. She's scared, she's so scared, and so am I, because we've both hurt each other so much. She trusted me, and I lied to her, I broke her heart, and she's scared to let me pick up the pieces and put it back together. She's terrified that I'll hurt her again, and I am too, because I always, always fuck everything up. My hands are too clumsy when it comes to hearts. I fuck everything up, and I get scared, and I run away. But not this time. I'm not letting her go. I'm gonna make her face me, face her fear, I'm going to force her to look at me, and see that I fucking need her as much as she needs me. I'm sick of being scared, of being weak.

My hands clench into fists, resting on the steering wheel, nails digging into my palms. Even now, I want to run to Beck, to run to Tori, and ask them to help, to ask them to fix this, because their hands seem a lot more cautious than mine. Because if I make it their responsibility, it's not my fault if it doesn't work. I've been relying on everyone else to solve my problems, and it's time I fucking dealt with them. Monsters stand alone, they don't have friends, they don't have allies, and it's a fucking lonely life to live, but there's strength in it. And what kind of monster would I be if I didn't put a damsel in distress? If I didn't kidnap the innocent victim for my own dastardly purposes? Cat's weaker than me, I know she is. I can pin her wrists, can still her body, and I doubt she'd put up much of a fight. She doesn't have the venom that I do, nor the fangs.

I bite my lip, head shaking. No, I don't like where my mind is going, this.. this isn't me. But maybe it's what you need to be. This isn't the girl Cat fell in love with. Cat fell in love with a monster.

A tear spills over when I blink, eyes focussed on my hands, knuckles strained white. I'm just tired of being scared, of being pulled every which way. Of being strong, and then being so weak. I'm just so tired of needing someone. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix this, how to fix me, to fix her. If I even can. It's just so much easier to give in to the monster. The part of me that says, fuck it, fuck it all, that takes what it wants, and doesn't feel a damn thing doing it. It's ruled me for so long, and it's not that I built the wall, it's that I was shoved behind it into the dark while this beast paraded in the limelight. It's so much easier not to feel. To turn it all around on Cat. To let my mind whisper things that stoke rage in my blood, that make it burn through every vein and capillary. Who does Cat think she is? How can she do this to me? I tried my best for her, and I don't do that for anyone. She should feel honoured that I... that I fucking crawled for her. That I begged her. But no, she cast it off, she pretended like it was another lie. No. I'm not just going to sit here and let her hurt me. She's not going to hurt me. I've made myself so many things for her, not least of all weak. She can't do this to me. I won't let her.