The Green Eyed Monster

Ch. 40

I glance over at Cat, switching off the ignition, car ticking into silence. "Did you tell your mom about..."

Cat gives her head a little shake, licking her lips. "No. I don't know how she knew."

I shake my head too, for an entirely different reason. "Do you have a diary?"

Cat glances over. "Mhm, but... oh." Her eyes sink back to her lap, hands clasping each other as she realises.

We're on the outskirts of Hollywood, one of those scenic viewing points that are scattered around to monopolise on the giant sign, as if we're too dumb to remember where we are. It's the equivalent of writing your name on your chair, just so you can say it's yours. Cat's been silent the whole way here, looking out the window like she's half thinking of jumping, like I'm some stranger who lured her into my van, and she's starting to realise that maybe I don't have candy.

She's silent for a moment, fingers plucking at her seatbelt, jumping when I reach over and release it. She looks over at me, hands stilling, red velvet hair framing her face, and her skin seems so pale, her glow seems so muted, or maybe it's just that her clothes are so plain today, so faded. They make her hair look even more vibrant, even more violent. They make her lips seem even pinker, or maybe it's just because I can't look away from them. I watch as she shapes her soft words, and maybe if her lips were different, they wouldn't come out so innocent, so naïve. Maybe if her mouth was wide like Tori's they'd come out brash and crude like hers do. "Jade... what did you wanna be when you grew up?"

My eyebrows furrow down, shoulders shrugging. "I don't know. Same thing as I want to be now, I guess. A director, an actor. What did you want to be?"

Cat smiles sweetly, gazing out the windshield, her eyes lighter than I've seen them in a long time. She giggles. "I wanted to be a cat. I used to crawl around on all fours and meow. I drank milk out of a saucer." Her smile fades, eyes averting back to her lap, voice losing its sunshine, like she's passed into a tunnel, and the light at the end is so faint, barely a pinprick. "I kind of still do want to be one. Cats don't need anybody. They're just happy by themselves. They don't get hurt by..." She glances over at me. "By people."

I take the tea towel away from my face, twisting the damp material and looking down at it. My face is numb now, anyhow. "Cat, I'm sorry." I almost jump when I feel her fingers on my cheek, palm cupping it.

"You're okay?"

I give a little nod, staring at her, and she smiles, fingers slipping away. "Cat, what I did was... it was wrong. I knew it from the start, but... by the time I... I knew that I wasn't pretending with you anymore..." I lick my lips, and it's impossible to look at her. Our roles have been reversed yet again, because I can feel her studying me, just like I studied her at Tori's, except now I'm the one who can't meet her gaze. "I just didn't want to fuck things up."

"But you did." Cat's voice is quiet, simple, and it's enough to make me raise my eyes, to look into her own wide, brown ones.

"I just wanna fix this, Cat. Please." And I don't even care about the note of pleading, of desperation in my voice. I don't care about how I look anymore. I just... my walls are down, further than they've ever been. The only other time was... was when I said I loved her, that first time. She broke them down then, as well.

Her mouth twists, eyes tearing away from mine, hair slipping free from behind her shoulder to shield her face. "It's not that easy. I... I want to, I do. But..."

"But you can't." I say softly, sighing. Maybe that venom's finally reached my heart, because it feels dead in my chest, not even a weak throb pulsing through me. Or maybe it's my hope that's died; maybe I'm finally giving up on her. "Cat, I just... I just want you. I need you. I don't think you realise how much." I laugh breathlessly. "It scares me." I look up at her, shaking my head. "I'm terrified of you."