The Green Eyed Monster

Ch. 30

I'm driving way too fast, and then I'm driving way too slow, I'm in such a hurry to find her, but I have no idea where to start. Hollywood's a big place, and I'm not even sure I'm going in the right direction. It's hard to see in the rain as it is, and I'm tempted to just abandon the car and go on foot, yelling her name. But that would be stupid, and not all of my logic is gone yet. I can't help it... I just... I panic under stress. It's happened before, when Beck broke up with me, when I started sweating that time... I just... I need control. And I've lost it. I don't know where she is, and she's not answering her phone. I'm trying to keep calm. Cat's flighty, chances are it's nothing. But if it is something, then it's big. It's huge, and I hope that those susurrant voices in my head are wrong, that what I'm thinking is wrong. I just... I have to find her. That'll help, no matter what happens.

It's getting increasingly hopeless, and I'm getting more and more desperate. Calm down Jade, just... you're overreacting. It's Cat. Exactly, it's Cat, you know how fragile she is. How easy it would be to break her, irrevocably.

It's so dark, so grey, so hard to see. I'm looking for any sign of her. She's wearing a yellow hoodie for Christ's sake. Her hair is almost fluorescent. She should be easy to spot, but I'm not seeing her. I want to drive faster, but I'm scared that I'll miss her. Who even knows if I'm going the right way? I almost slam on the brakes when I see a flash of red hair, and I pray it's not just some random kid. It seems like everyone's dyeing their hair that colour lately. And I can't promise I wouldn't hit them with my car in frustration.

I pull over to the kerb, almost going up over it in my haste. The car is parked crooked, but I don't care, throwing my seatbelt off and pulling the handbrake on. "Cat!" I jog up to the small figure, rain spattering over me, my breath puffing out in white clouds. I grab hold of her shoulder, trying to be gentle, but my panic makes my fingers clumsy. "Cat, are you okay?" Her eyes slide away from my gaze, her face downturned. She shrugs. "Cat, what are you doing out here, I was so-"

"Jade. Stop." Her voice is quiet, but it cuts straight through me. It's not Cat, it doesn't sound like Cat. Her voice is... i-it's not her. It freezes my insides, as if the rain was slicing straight through me.

"Cat... please..." I see now that her eyes are red-rimmed. She's soaked to the bone, and somehow she looks even smaller, even more vulnerable than I've ever seen her before. I can barely croak out a sentence, because I can feel what's coming. I've seen something similar to this in her before. I can see the cracks.

"I... heard you..." She looks up at me now, her eyes wide, and I wish she hadn't. I never wanted her to look at me like this. With that... that hurt. Because of me.

"Cat, it's not true... let me explain... please." It sounds weak, even to me. It's what I've heard people say in movies, in television, so many times, and I've never bought it. I always thought they deserved what they had coming to them, that their explanations weren't good enough. I'm one of them now. "Please, Cat... just... get in the car, out of the rain, and we can talk about this."

She puts a hand to her chest, touching lightly over her heart. "Jade... it hurts. It hurts so much..." She says it almost in a tone of wonder, her body shivering. She's been out in the rain for a while.

"Cat... I said those things to Beck to make him see... to make him see what an idiot he was being. That even if I didn't care about you, I still couldn't be with him." I don't even know if she's listening to me, and my teeth are starting to chatter. Of course, it hardly ever rains in Hollywood, but it just had to today.

"Everything was a lie?" There's a thread of hope in her voice. She wants to believe me, she's always wanted to believe me. Maybe... maybe I can fix this, maybe...