The Green Eyed Monster

Ch. 25

"What do you want for dinner?"

"Hmm?" I snap out of my reverie, turning to Cat.

"If you're not hungry, that's okay." She assures me.

It's not that I'm not hungry... it's that my stomach is churning so much I don't think I could eat. It's been running through my head, all through Beauty And The Beast, so much so that it's only now I realise the movie's finished, the credits scrolling onscreen. Because I've been thinking, about what I'm going to do... and the thoughts are accompanied by images, images that distract me to no end, that make me bite my lip in an effort not to swear at the feelings they stir. I can hear Cat gasp in my mind, hear her say my name, see her eyes roll back in her head as she moans and... and I want to do it, I do. I've... I'm Jade West. I don't get nervous. I play things cool. When I lost my virginity to Beck, it was slow, and romantic, and it just didn't seem like that big of a deal. It was just sex, although it was with someone I loved. I didn't freak out about it.

Does... does Cat love me? I haven't asked her... it's not something you can just ask, and I really don't want to know the answer. I don't want her to love me. She gets hurt too easily, and I don't want to be the reason for that. If you fall in love, you can get hurt, and that's already happened to Cat. Everyone she's loved has hurt her... I don't want the potential to do the same. I know she cares about me... that she cared about me all along, even when I insulted her, when I ignored her. Even when I treated her like a pet, a mascot, she still liked me, because I treated her better than everyone else. Better to be a pet than a stray.

I try to calm myself down. "I could eat." I say, as nonchalantly as possible.

"I can order pizza? What do you want?"

I agree, telling her what I want, but what I want, what I'd like is to be free of this pressure. It's like waiting for someone to punch you. You know it's coming, you just don't know when. But maybe... maybe Cat didn't mean it that way when she asked me to stay over. Maybe she's just lonely. But that's not the point, Cat's not the problem. It's me and these... these urges I get. I've never wanted someone so bad, and all this waiting... it's made me want it so much. And somehow, knowing that she's had this bad experience, and knowing that I can make her feel so good, can give her the experience she deserves... it makes we want it that much more. To show her how sex can be a good thing, not just a tool to get someone to love you. I want to show her how much I care, and I want to wake up with her in the morning and see her realise that I'm not going anywhere. I want to prove to her that I... that I could love her. It's never been Cat that's the problem, not since that one... that one mistake. I feel a pulse of emotion at the memory. When I came so close to... to...

It's not Cat. It's me. I want to show her all those things, and even more, I want to satisfy these urges she stirs in me, but the fact is, she has had a bad experience, there is that to overcome. She would've... I could've slept with her already, she would've let me, because I honestly don't think she'd say no to me. I think she's too scared to, scared that I'll leave her if she doesn't give me what I want. And more than that (I hope), she wants it too. But her past, her history... if I do this too soon, it could ruin everything. It's delicate, and to be honest, I'm not sure she's ready. I'm not sure I'm ready. But I can't... I don't think I can wait any longer.

"Tori told me she and Beck broke up." Cat says, picking olives off her pizza slice. "Is that what Beck wanted to talk to you about?"

I swallow hard, the dry crust scraping it's way down my throat. "Yeah. Sort of."

"Do you... miss Beck?" Cat glances at me, taking a small bite of her pizza.

This is a minefield. "Yes and no. I miss him as a friend, but not as a boyfriend."