The Green Eyed Monster

Ch. 18

"Hey Cat," I say, breaking the silence. We're still in the dark... and I know it's weird, but Cat hasn't said anything, and frankly... I've always preferred darkness. It feels... safer, like when you put a towel over a bird's cage or something and it calms it down. I'm like that. There's probably some subliminal womb message in there... but I'm not going near that. "Why do you just let people... insult you?" It feels like a stupid question, but it's one I can't fathom the answer to. I can't see why she doesn't get angry, why she doesn't fight back, or, at the very least, hold it against them. Hell, I would've punched Tori a dozen times over for some of the stuff she's said to Cat.

I hear Cat shuffling in the dark, and then she's squirming up alongside me on my bed, so that her face is next to mine. She seems more relaxed... maybe she likes the darkness too. It hides things, and that's something we both need. We both have things to hide. "I don't know." She says, and I can feel her shrug, my hand moving to rest on the curve of her hip. "I guess they have a point. I mean, why would they say that stuff if it wasn't true?"

"To hurt you. To make themselves feel better." I try to explain, and it's killing me that she's this down on herself, that this is really how she thinks every time someone says something nasty to her. That she deserves it, that they're right.

"Why would it make them feel better? Is that why you do it Jade?" Her fingertips tiptoe along my arm, and her voice is quiet and simple. She's unpredictable. With anyone else, there's things they never say. It's called decorum, it's called politeness. There are a dozen different names for this thing Cat doesn't have, but I do, and it makes it hard to answer, to match her honesty. Most of the time, if people ask things like that they're trying to find a weakness, trying to find a chink in your armour... but not Cat. She actually wants to know, and it's a rare thing when someone cares about you and not what you can do for them.

"I... no. It doesn't make me feel better. It... it makes me feel s-safe." I falter on the last word, because to articulate it makes it real, makes me have to think about it, sort through it, and it's something I really don't want to do. I don't want to examine all the poor decisions I've made, but I have to sometime, and it may as well be with someone I think I can trust. No, I know can trust. "It's a pre-emptive strike."

"But nobody makes fun of you Jade." Cat says, confused.

"Why do you think that is?" I ask wryly.

"Because... oh. Because you'll destroy them socially."

I nod, feeling stupid when I realise she can't see me. "People don't hit you if they know you can hit harder."

"Oh." Cat's voice is soft, and I feel her breath exhale against my chin. "So everyone's just hurting each other so they don't get hurt?"

I frown. "I... I guess so?"

"I wish I could do that."

I trace my fingertips over Cat's cheek, leaning forward and finding her lips in a soft, lingering kiss. "I don't." I hear Cat make a soft, questioning noise and I smile. "I don't want you to be like them. Like me."

"Why not?" I can feel Cat smile as I kiss her again, her lips turning up against mine.

"'Cause you're better than them." Cat snorts a little. "We're fu-" I stop, remembering that Cat hates curse words. "We're animals, just clawing at each other, trying to pretend we're strong when we're not."

"But you are strong. You're the strongest person I know." Cat protests.

"I just have the sharpest claws. Cat... I'm sorry. For... for all the times I made fun of you. For... for the first time I made fun of you."