for phoebe

1 : beginning, well sort of

So I have this friend, her name's Phoebe. She told me to write her a book, so here's my shot at it.

I'm not what you would call a consistent writer but when I get inspiration you'll definitely know. Anyways, I was just telling you that so you know what's going on if I'm not writing. That doesn't really answer why, but I suppose I can answer that in this chapter.

You see, I suppose Phoebe likes or agrees with my views on things or maybe it's just the way I write.

When it comes to why I won't update at times, it's partially because I'll be lacking in inspiration. As well as this; I could want to write so desperately, but it'd end up so dark and leave you empty and I simply don't like doing that to people.

Sure, I've hurt people. You can't help that sort of thing, but I try my damnedest to avoid it. I've been hurt too much to risk intentionally hurt someone I care about, at least, for the most part.

It's raining outside again, cannabis is running through my veins, -like usual- and I'm on the first chapter of a book I'm writing for her that I haven't the slightest idea how to start. I mean, really. How do you write an entire novel about yourself? There's so much that's always buzzing through my head that I don't know where to begin.

Maybe I could say what I think of Phoebe. Yeah, that should work. Okay, so what comes to my head when I think of Phoebe is, music, maturity, and well, love. Not the cheesy kind of love where you don't truly know what it means (but who knows what it means anyways?) and you simply throw it around wherever you please. No, I mean with how she is when she's even talking about someone. She's able to find the good in everyone, even with someone broke her. I admire her for being able to do that. God, do I admire her.

I apologize for using the big G word, as I'm not that religious. I'm not saying I don't think there's something after death, but I don't expect a big cloud in the air with the almighty God waiting to judge your decisions and deciding on whether or not you belong in Heaven. No, I don't believe that to be truthful, but I do think there has to be something after we die. If there's nothing, then what's the point of it all?

Okay, this is getting way too deep way too quickly. I'm sorry.

I'm really trying to understand what the plot of this should be. I'm sure I'll know by the the time the next chapter rolls in, but I'm really at quite a loss of words here.

Maybe it's because of all that's occurred today. All that's been in my head is her, the one person I managed to hurt with the intent of hurting her. It's not like one day I went, "Yep let's hurt the one person I truly care about and ruin everything between us." Hurting her was the last thing I ever wished to do to her. I loved her so much, even having to add a d to that word, it hurts. I put months into that girl. I trusted her with so much. Shit, she could probably write this if she wanted to.

I even remember hearing about her for the first time. I was with a group of friends and one was crying so hard. I didn't know her that well at the time, but I managed to comfort her. The reason she was crying so much was because of her. She was her best friend. I was so intrigued by this best friend whom I had only heard the best stories about. I decided to message her a few weeks after the fact, around Halloween. She was distant from the conversation, and I thought I was just bothering her in all honesty. A part of me wanted to attempt to find her in that barrier she'd built for protection.

We started finding things we both had in common with each other relatively quickly. There wasn't much if I'm being honest here, but I found myself falling further into those hazel eyes than I'd first planned. She was far from my grasp even then.

There was the day we finally met in person, after me practically begging to see her. My school was having their last home game in the basketball season and I offered the idea for her to come and meet me. The game was nearly half way over and I was beginning to lose hope she would actually come, but as a few good friends and I waited by the parking lot for her, my nerves were replacing that hopelessness.

I didn't know how I was going to react when she arrived. This, of course, was the one event I hadn't conveniently planned in my head numerous times. I was at a loss for words when I saw her. My friends all in a row with their phones out to take pictures of our meeting. I was so happy seeing her. I saw her and it was like the world came to a stop, like nothing else mattered. I was shaking so much. The rest of the game seemed almost perfect with her there. I wasn't focused on the game, only her. I kissed her for the first time that day, held her for the first time that day. I remember thinking, "You look so bad, how can she even want you right now?"

That was the day I was finally able to call her mine. The following months seemed perfect with her, except, seeing her seemed like a whole different planet. I remember it was all so short in retrospect, considering it was over in a little over two months. She saw a future with me, and I may be a fool for letting someone like that go, but that's on me in the long run. The following nights after it ended, we had the worst fights that had consisted between us. The thing's she said, they still stay stuck in my head. She was great to me really, and I let all of that go. I guess distance just isn't my thing.

I was so in love with that girl. I couldn't go through my nights without her popping into my head. Just her personality. The way I loved hearing her say she loved me. How we tried to fix things when we started fighting, and we fought a lot in the end. Too much. I would end a fight just so I wouldn't lose her, which made me start to think that it'd be healthier for the both of us if I did lose her. Lose the person I care the most about, sounds great right? Yeah, no.

Surprisingly I don't remember the date we broke up. I know it was a Saturday, and that I was with my best friend the whole day. I know that it felt like a bullet had shot through my chest after breaking up with her. I know that she meant everything to me, but also that she could easily have been deceiving me the whole time. I don't care about that possibility now.

She was mine, and now there's someone new. Someone whom I was oblivious and blinded against. I had no idea that she was attracted to me and now I'm so so glad that I let her kiss me. That I kissed her back. She's so different from her, and I like it. It intrigues me. She intrigues me. I can't even begin to explain her, it'd take more chapters, but I suppose that's the point of this.

- for phoebe