for phoebe

22

It's finally Thanksgiving break and with the big holiday coming up in a few days I figured I'd write. My plan to help kickoff the break is by getting blackout drunk tonight. I think its vaguely easy to follow.

Step one : aquire bottle of liquor
Step two : drink

See? Very simplistic haha.

I was with family today for my grandpa's birthday. As I hugged him goodbye, he asked if I was okay. Weird to me that even he can tell that something's up. I told him I was just tired and needed a nap.

I was in my head all day, not really present or in the moment. When I did talk they all laughed. I didn't get what was so funny.

Trying German food is something I'm okay with only doing once. Hence the word, "trying".

I wanna fucking cry. No I can't tell you what's wrong because even I don't know. It's like my life came into a standstill. No matter how hard I try, it doesn't matter. Nothing's changing with me.

I can't help but feel like it wouldn't matter if I was gone. The whole disappearing forever thing you know.

It's whatever, I'm alright.

I hope you're doing good this November, Phoebe. Almost forgot that I'm supposed to be writing this to you.

A relationship is something that's only scaring me at the moment. I can barely take care of myself mentally, how could I have someone else in my life.

"Self love is key"

I told that to you a few chapters ago. It's still the truth, I just don't know if I'm applying it to myself.

Now, I've been thinking of how I write. This is it. Usually there's better vocabulary but I wanted this book to come out as if you got a look directly into my mind. Every thought I have, you'll know as you read. I understand that we're now twenty two chapters in, those who have stuck around since the beginning, I love you for doing that. You're part of what got this more known. We're so so close to 500 views; that's big for me.

This was kind of starting to sound like a suicide note. lol.

Take care.

- for Phoebe