for phoebe

19

Some shirts, I couldn't wear for months after things ended between us. The memories tied to them had an insane reminder of everything that happened. I kept a few pictures from my camera roll; there's nothing left now.

I know I fucked your head up. It gives me the worst feeling in my stomach. Well, not the worst, but it's definitely not the best feeling.

You have a girlfriend. She checked my groceries out at the grocery store. I wasn't sure it was really her when I saw her. She's tall, was nice to us and her co-workers; didn't look at me though, huh. Ironic. Nice score kid. Ya got me.

I don't even know what brought me to write this. I mean, I'm in Colorado, high off my ass and I'm writing a fucking letter that you'll never see, to people who probably don't give a shit.

This is getting really negative, fuck. I'm sorry. I'm glad that you're happy with her. My friends say that you're happier with her than you ever were with me. That might be true, but I have no way of knowing.

AN : you might've noticed how I skipped chapter 18; it was going to be about Bear, but I couldn't finish it :/ (10/25/17)

There's actually one album of photos on my Facebook from when we went to Gainesville. There's a picture of you sitting on a fountain; I think you were laughing in it. That day is still so fuzzy to me.

I never checked up on you. Not even once. No "hey how're you" or anything. Maybe I should have.

If I told a friend all this shit,they'd be confused. Not understanding how I can feel so shitty when I'm the one who broke up with you. Im confused too. You made me realize I actually deserve to be loved by someone. I knew you were in love with me. You fell so fucking fast; I didn't get it. Why would you choose to love such a mess of a person? I debate whether I made the right choice or not, but you seem happier now. That's what matters to me. That you're happy.

Happy birthday (10/27/17)

- for Phoebe (it's not but that's how I end all of these)