for phoebe

24

What's the worse feeling you've ever felt?

When I wanted to kill myself. it's been about 2 and a half years since my attempts. it was one of my lowest points. I felt that I had nothing, that there was no point to the life I was living. I was hurting myself. I wasn't eating or sleeping. I was so fucking thin, which says something seeing how I'm a healthy weight now. you could see my ribs. I can't imagine that feeling anymore; only blurry memories. being alright with possibly not waking up in the morning, it was all too surreal. I thought if I ended everything it would fix all of my issues, but in reality it would've done the opposite for those around me. that's apart of what stopped me from trying anymore. I put what was collecting in my head to the side. it didn't matter how I felt anymore. my family and the friends I did have would've been in shambles. that feeling was simply temporary. I got through it. yes, depression still kicks my ass at times. just today, I cried my eyes out for two blocks straight because of how shitty my grades are. I told the girl i like I felt like a failure. she assured that I'm not. she helps me. so does the guy who let me cry on his shoulder, hugging me tight. he has always been there as I'm crying hysterically. I can't thank him enough for it. after me and my ex broke up, I was already in a pretty bad place mentally. I told him I felt suicidal. I think he was crying too. I thought I'd hit rock bottom again. that was only 10 or so months ago.

don't kill yourself. it's only a solution to a temporary problem. that's what my English teacher told us today. i don't think she noticed me crying. my friend might have. he left me alone. my eyes were strained and puffy the rest of the day. today's perk was being around the girl I like. she somehow fucking manages to make things better. my troubles are gone with her. she can always tell when I'm not feeling too good. she looks and smiles at me all the time man. I hope shit works out for us.

I'm not going to kill myself. not now at least. it's always a lingering thought. For those of you reading this, I believe in you. Whatever you're going through, time does change things. Some quote says you have to hit rock bottom to reach the top. I believe that. I'm still working on myself, constantly. As should you.

- for Phoebe