for phoebe

5 : "I miss you, and I wish you well"

I miss you.

But, also, you kinda suck.

Sorry, it's irrelevant.

Two months is how long it's been since I left, or you left? Who knows. All I know is that you're not mine and its kinda killing me even now. It really shouldn't but, I don't know kid, I just miss the hell out of you.

You were kinda toxic to me in the end but it never phased me. All I could see was how beautiful I thought your smile was. Don't even get me started on that fucking laugh you have.

Just to fill you guys in, she's the her I first talked about; not phoebe though.

I was for you since day one, and I'm still for you now. You aren't really in my life anymore and although I miss it, I am the one who ended us. I know people say shit like, "baby, I've been about you since day 1" but most of times they don't really mean it. I don't know. All I know is how your lips framed your smile perfectly.

You were my first "love," so you could say. I don't really know what that word means, but I know I felt something for you. Still do.

I probably shouldn't at this point. I mean, fuck man. I met you in October and only wanted you from then to February I guess. It's mid April now.

You know more about me than the person I call my 'best friend,' and that's kind of frivolous. (That's a new word I learned, what do ya think of it?)

I just miss you at this point. Not because I'm lonely or desperate for attention, no. I just miss the fuck out of you. You made me feel so damn loved and although I've let someone touch me in ways I never let you, it didn't feel quite right. You were still in my head, and I can't seem to get you out.

I've written a decent amount about you, but not directly to you, unlike this. I used to write about the way your smile filled my head with clouds. (Didn't make much sense, did it?) Then, I wrote about when you said you didn't want me and just, how it hurt. We fought a lot after things ended. I don't have any of our conversations anymore, and we barely talk. It's awkward talking to you.

I miss you, you little shit.

Fuck.

I still love you, fuck.

-for phoebe