Misery (Larry Stylinson AU)

Chapter 5

{I would like to dedicate this chapter to a very special man, Liam James Payne. I can't believe my baby is twenty years old. :')}


(HARRY'S POV)


Harry didn't quite understand why but he didn't feel like cutting yesterday. He felt kind of... Happy. Louis was so funny and charming yesterday, and it made talking to him easy and Harry felt comfortable, the type of comfort he only felt with Zayn.

The best part was when Louis offered to take Harry to a restaurant with Liam and Niall and Zayn tomorrow night so they could just have a 'boy's night'. The closest thing to boys nights Harry ever had was when he and Zayn went out to get pizza and go to the college football game.

"Dude, if you don't tell me right now why you're smiling like that I will put weed in your brownies," Zayn laughed, pinching Harry's cheek.

"Louis. It went well last night," Harry chuckled.

"Harry! You've known him a day! You can't do stuff like that when you don't even know the person that well!"

Harry widened his eyes. "No! No, god no I'd never do that!" he threw his hands in the air dramatically, "But I mean, I think I might have a new friend."

Zayn ruffled Harry's hair. "Nice job. But I swear if he replaces me, mate...."

"Nobody could ever do that," Harry hugged Zayn and patted his mountain-high quiff. As Zayn left to shower, Harry rolled up his sleeves and looked at his scars. For the first time ever, he didn't feel like adding to them when he showered. He was so proud of himself for not being awkward.

*************
Harry didn't cut that entire day. He didn't even feel like it because the feeling of pride was overwhelming.

"Harry," Louis patted him on the shoulder, "glad you made it. Sit."

Harry smiled at Liam and Niall, whom he still needed to get to know. "Hello, uh, Niall and Liam."

"Hey mate, what's up?"

Harry never quite knew how to respond to that question. Did he have to go with the casual 'nothing much' or did he proceed to tell Niall about what was happening in his life? Harry didn't understand if people were really interested in that it they just had nothing else to say.

Damn it, Harry, don't overthink about stupid things.

"Harry?"

"Sorry... Just uh, kind of-"

"Zoned out?" Louis supplied. Harry nodded.

"What classes do you take, Harry?" Liam asked, probably trying to make small talk with him. Harry wasn't good at small talk.

"I'm in all science classes, yeah," Harry felt his foot tapping under the table, a nervous habit of his.

"You like science?" Niall asked, sipping beer which Louis snatched away, replacing Niall's beverage with water.

"I do like it, it was my best subject, but honestly it's just easy," Harry bit the inside of his cheek. He was afraid of being too personal.

Harry tended to create scenarios in his head, planning things before they happened. When he was in the shower thinking about the dinner, he thought of every possible question he could be asked, but stupidly, he forgot about the most common one. 'What classes...'

"Hmm," Niall nodded, "Well I am really into the arts. Not performing or anything just like making the background music, same with Liam. I play guitar and Liam here is a kickass director."

"Zayn said you met him through that... But how exactly?" Louis asked. Harry felt a little calmer that they were doing all the talking and he just had to politely listen.

"Well Zayn once painted a backdrop."

"Yeah yeah. So now we know about all this bullshit," Niall tried to take the beer back from Louis but Louis gave him a deadly glare. "College for me is being sexy and playing football and making it nasty with some hotties."

"... You don't even know their names half of the time," Liam shook his head.

"Shut it Payne, you're no angel," Louis nudged him, "so, Harry, sorry you have to deal with their quarreling."

"It's cool," Harry smiled. Should he talk more or less? Were they judging him for not talking? Harry wished he could get into everyone's minds to see what each individual liked so he could avoid being disliked.

"Where the hell is Zayn?" Niall got up, scanning the place.

"I'm going to head to the loo," Harry walked away to the toilet. He locked the stall door and sat on the toilet seat, feeling tears sting the rims of his eyes.

Damn all this overthinking.

Harry's brain was going crazy, and he was so afraid of saying something wrong or doing something weird. What was he thinking, that he could make friends? He couldn't even have a proper discussion with two lovely lads without running away like a coward.

He longed, more than anything, for his razor, or for something sharp. He took off his trench coat and hung it on the stall door, rolling up his short sleeves to expose his ravaged biceps. Hesitantly, he poked his nails in, and although they weren't hard enough to make him bleed, the pain brought a little bit of satisfaction but he couldn't help but cry at the pain.

He sniffled, a bit scared that the guys would wonder if he had constipation or something. He took a breath of relief when his phone brightened with a text from Zayn.

From: Zayn Malik

Dude, I hope ur doing ok!!!!! Relax :) it'll b alright. I'll b there 2 help u out in 5 mins.xx

Harry wiped his eyes, knowing this was too big a step to take suddenly. As he walked out the bathroom door, he gasped when he saw Louis waiting to use it.

"Louis..."

"Harry, I uh.. Are y'alright?" Louis asked, his brows furrowing in concern. "You look like you cried!"

"No, no I"m okay, just a little sick, yeah? It's fine, I'm alright mate, let's go."

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Harry remained silent the rest of the night, listening in while Zayn, Niall, and Liam did all the talking. Louis didn't say anything, really. Harry noticed how he was staring at him the entire dinner. What could he have been thinking?

That loser, he is so annoying.

Wow, Harry, you're no fun at all. Can you even talk?

Harry dismissed those depressing thoughts and climbed into bed, all he wanted to do was self harm once more. He heard Zayn walking into the dorm room with Liam and Niall behind him. They all said goodbye, and they said goodnight to Harry.

"Mate."

"What?" Harry whined, "If you're going to yell at me for not being friendly enough or-"

"Actually I was going to say you're moving too fast... You got comfortable with one person, yeah, great, but I think all five of us at once must've been hard," Zayn soothed Harry by rubbing nonsensical patterns on his long back.

"Why can't I do it?"

"You have extreme social anxiety and you're not used to fun," Zayn shrugged, "you seem like you have depression... For reasons you still haven't opened up to me about, but hey-"

"Zayn."

" Harry all I'm saying is you really should talk about it with somebody, yeah? You can trust me."

"I am never, never talking about my past and whatever the fuck happened. I am not talking about the thing that was the icing on the cake last year that made me this self loathing ball of hatred and antisocialness. So don't even try, don't even bring it up!"