The Things I Couldn't Say (CartmanxButters)

A Slim Chance

I hurt.
My arms hurt. My legs hurt. My stomach hurts. My heart hurts. My eyes hurt. Everything is just filled with an indescribable, awful, empty ache.

It's excruciating.

I pick up my phone, then place it right back where it was. There's no one for me to call. A layer of hopelessness settles in, and I stare blankly at a wall.

I have officially just hit rock bottom. There is no possible way for this to get any fucking worse.

I want to die. I feel it before I think it.

When you read those stories about depressed people who self harm and/or are suicidal, it sounds like everything just ends up perfect. It sounds poetic, and dramatic. However, this is not the case. I feel alone. Lost. Pathetic. Fearful. Angry. Sad. Numb. Frustrated. I don't wish to be sucked into some fairytale world called heaven, I want everything to stop. I want to leave.

And then, a thought pops into my head. Was this how Stan felt when he turned goth, or when he thought everything was shit?

And, even if for a little while, was this how Kyle felt when I made fun of him?

Did I make Kenny feel like this? Is that why he hates me?

My heart dropped into my stomach as I thought my last thought.

Did I ever make Butters feel this way?

I didn't realize that the tears were falling until it was too late to stop them. 

No wonder everyone thought I was a monster.

As I thought back to all the lives that I've hurt, and ruined, an unimaginably intense wave of guilt swept over me. I've done so, so much..... How could I ever try to fix this?

My thoughts were stopped by a light tap on my door. I wiped my eyes. "Yeah, come in," I called.

Mom stepped into the room and coughed. "Eric, sweetie, I made you some dinner....." She smiled.

Dinner? "What time is it?"

"6 o'clock. You've been in here all day. Are you okay, pumpkin?"

I've been sleeping and thinking for the past however-many hours?! "I'm fine, mom. Get some rest."

She nodded and left.

I'm getting worse. And I have school tomorrow. Delightful.

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I bandaged my arms again before stepping out the door, ensuring that the ones from two days ago and the ones from last night wouldn't bleed into my jacket. I fell a few times, causing them to sting, but I didn't show it. It wouldn't matter if I did.

Maybe PC Principal can get me some help. I mean, he is PC, so it's not like he'll say no. Just as I think this, an announcement comes over the loudspeaker: "Hello, students! Do to reasons that we cannot mention, all of you are required to attend an anti bullying seminar, taking place during class on Thursday." I felt all the eyes gravitate towards me or Kenny.

For once, I don't think I like being the center of attention.

I went to class and tried to listen to the teachers drone on about their respective subjects, answering correctly when called on, then staying silent till I was asked to speak again. I caught Stan and Kyle looking at me, and I offered them a smile. Kyle returned it, and Stan gave me a small wave.

I don't feel so bad for the rest of the day.

Until I get out of school, of course.

I was walking, the same way I always walk home from the bus stop. It was then when I saw them.

"And we saw a couple propose here! It was beautiful......" Butters said, smiling as he took a lick of his ice cream cone.

Kenny chuckled. "It must have been...."

"Hey, Kenny, do you think I'll ever be loved like that?"

"You already are, babe. I love you all that and more." He kissed Butters on the cheek.

He didn't love him. I did. And now he's sitting there where I should be, with who I should be with, telling him all the things that I was too much of a pussy to say. And the more I think about it, the more I regret it.

I continued walking. I couldn't stand to look at them anymore. It just made me hurt.

Hurting. I've been doing that lot lately.

I walked in the house. Mom was laying on the couch, sweating. "Mom?"

"Hey, Eric.... Get me some water, please. I think I have a cold."

I got her a glass. "Call me back down if you need anything, okay?"

"Okay, sweetie. Go get your work done."

I went to my room. We both knew what this could mean for her. I collapsed on my bed. I didn't wanna think about it. I didn't wanna think. I wanted to cry, or scream, or punch something, but I was beyond that point. This was a feeling that was beyond me and beyond them. This was an intense and thorough feeling that was impossible to describe. It was like feeling nothing at all while feeling everything. It was driving me insane.

I'm so tired. I'm always tired. I want to shut my eyes and sleep forever. I don't think it would change how tired I am. This tired feeling wasn't about me being physically tired, for the most part.

I need sleep, though. I need sleep and I need food and I need to cry and I need my friends and I need him.

I need to be happy.

I need to change.

I need to die.

I shut my eyes tight as I tried to push the last thought out of my head.

"Not yet, Eric," I pleaded with myself. "There's still a chance. It's slim, I know, but a slim chance is still a chance."

A slim chance is still a chance....... I like that. I like the way it sounds.

"A slim chance is still a chance," I repeated.

I hope that's true.