A Thing, Beyond Forever

26.

Knowing him was like knowing the melody of a song you listened once on the radio. You don't remember the lyrics very well but each time you pass by the same lane you were when you first listened to that song, it makes you remember the melody too. The kind of melody that never leaves from the back of your mind and keeps visiting you from time to time. The kind of melody you hum to yourself when you are doing some work and are engrossed in it. Remembering him was the same, only that his memories kept revisiting and left a faint smile on my face. 

And I wondered if he was feeling the same. I wondered when you miss someone, whether they miss you too, at the same time. I wondered, every night before I went to bed, looking at the moon, whether he was looking at the moon and thinking about the same thing too. 

With all the packing that had to be done before we were to leave for Kuwait, I kept myself distracted. My computer was put on sale so I couldn't check any messages from Yazan frequently. Once or twice when I did check using my mum's phone, I felt disheartened to find nothing. 

I don't know what's the word for it but like Anne frank said, I can't help but think there's a good side to everyone no matter what they do.  I couldn't help but remember Yazan being a good friend to me and being there for me always which is why I was ready to put everything behind me and let go of what he did. I was ready to forgive him. I dropped him a message, not a paragraph nor a sentence, but a simple 'hi' and then my curiosity started to have the best of me. I kept checking if my message had been seen and after days when it was seen, I kept waiting for him to reply. 

And now I had begun to feel like I was the one who did something bad to him when he was equally responsible for my behaviour. I hated the feeling of not knowing something. Being in the grey area of something really troubled me. I went into my overthinking zone. Why hasn't he replied yet?

But it was only a matter of days for the results to be announced and I knew I would get to see him during the award ceremony, I was determined to confront him myself. 

******

The results for our school were fabulous with most of the students scoring a solid 10.0. And since it was only me and Yazan that managed to get an A in every subject, we were being specially honoured  during the ceremony. The principal called to inform my mom about it and she got so excited that she postponed the day of our departure to attend the ceremony. And like a cherry on top, my dad flew in to attend it too. 

Seeing my parents happy with my achievement felt more like I was done with my degree and they were excited to see me in my cap and gown during my convocation. Nonetheless, I couldn't name the thing that I was going through. I wanted to be happy for myself but I felt nothing. 

During the day of the ceremony when we arrived at school, I took a moment to stand outside my school and its glorious building that stood tall in front of me. The first day of my last year flashed in front of my eyes, the day of the farewell party when all the boys were standing here on top of the stairs like escorts, flashed in front of my eyes too. I didn't realise my eyes had turned watery until I saw Noor & Zeenath making their way towards me and asking me if I was okay. 

"I am fine, guys. I am just reminiscing our days here and as much as I hate to admit it, I am going to miss this school" 

Noor frowned as she gave me a side hug and Zeenath did the same, "I know, me too" 

"Where are the rest of the girls?" I asked, trying to lighten up the conversation. 

Zeenath gestured towards the hall, "Everyone's there" 

And we walked into the hall, my eyes scanned through the hall to spot Yazan but he was nowhere to be seen until I did a double take and I am not sure but I guess I felt my heart skipped a beat when I saw where he was. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. 

He was clad in a black suit, his hair were arranged well above his head and he was smiling, his pure genuine smile while he was engaged in a conversation with my father. My father! My heart was about to jump out of my chest. 

When I walked towards them, his eyes landed on me for a brief moment and the smile from his face faltered, that made my heart ache for a bit.  It was as if he wasn't happy to see me there. 

"Okay, uncle. It was a pleasure meeting you. I'll go sit in my seat now" He shook my father's hand like a gentleman, firmly and turned to leave. I watched him, from the moment he shook my dad's hand to when he sat in his chair. He looked at me again, our eyes met before he looked away. He looked...I don't know...I guess...hurt? 

When the speeches began, I got a text message. My dad had gotten me a new phone after he heard about my outstanding result and I was quick to message my friends. When I looked at the message, I tried to supress my smile. I was sitting with my parents after all. I turned my head to look at the crowd of people sitting behind me and that's when I spotted him, Nouman. 

I excused myself to the toilet and left the hall to meet Nouman in the hallway. He hugged me and congratulated me, got me a box of my favourite chocolates and a greeting card. For a moment there I had forgotten that I had come with the sole intention of meeting Yazan and felt overwhelmed with the fact that the love of my life was here to support and cheer for me. 

"I was thinking..." I said, reconsidering each word that I was going to speak next. 

His eyebrows shot up when he heard me pause, "Yeah?" He took my hands in his and pressed him for comfort, "What were you thinking?" 

I pressed my lips together and managed to blurt out, "Why don't you meet my father after the ceremony is over?" 

He scoffed like I made a joke which made me look at him quizzically. He realised that I wasn't joking and cleared his throat, "I...I don't know...Zuki...Why should I meet him? I mean...I am not gonna ask him for your hand, am I?" He chuckled again, a failed attempt in making me a laugh too.

His hands were in mine still and I looked down at them and then up at him. I tried reading his eyes. Sometimes the things he said or did really made me doubt his intentions with me but in that moment I didn't want to argue so I let it go and I said instead, "Can't you meet him simply because he is my dad? You know...some form of respect?"

He smiled, which looked like a polite smile but his eyes told me otherwise, "Zuki..." He said and then pulled me forward to peck on my cheek, "I will meet him once when the time would be right. When I would have to ask him for your hand. Now...just let it be. Okay?" He asked

And I looked at him straight in disbelief. 

"Okay?" He asked again 

I nodded and made my way towards the hall.