A Thing, Beyond Forever

29.

How do you mourn the loss of a love you never spoke out loud?

never

felt with your own two hands? 

How can something be there, and then not be there? How do we forgive ourselves for all the things we did not become?

-soft in the middle, shelby eileen //david luben 

I think the greatest mistake a human being makes is to think we have time. We think we have time to do a lot of things in the world. To talk to the friend we haven't talked to for a long time, to forgive and to apologize for all the things that went wrong. To make up with them, to take risks, to pray and to be grateful.

Zukroof was staring out of the plane's window, long gone to some other world of day-dreaming. She kept staring at some place far away where the street lights could be seen glowing and a little blurry from the tears that were clouded over her eyes.

The Captain's announcement of departure was enough to bring her out of her reverie. She unlocked her phone for the millionth time again to refresh Facebook, hoping there'd be a message from Yazan, instead she found a quote that related to her current situation very well.

is shehr mein kitney chehrey the, kuch yaad nahi sab bhulgaye, ek shakhs kitabon jaisa tha, woh shakhs zubaani yaad hua

 The plane started moving on the runway, gaining speed as each minute passed. Zukroof looked at the city she was leaving behind, Hyderabad with tears in her eyes. She read the quote again, and she couldn't decipher if she was going to miss Nouman more or Yazan

"Zukroof, I forgot to keep spare tissues in my bag, do you have some?" Nashra nudged Zukroof's elbow.

Zukroof was quick to wipe her tearful eye before turning to look for the tissue in her purse that's when her gaze landed on the envelope Aisha gave her. She handed the tissue to Nashra and pressed the button on the recliner to get comfortable as she began unwrapping the cover of the envelope. She started to feel a bit better as she anticipated the content of the envelope. She emptied the contents over her lap and smiled as a key chain and a letter dropped. She looked at the key chain and knew instantly from whom the envelope was, but to make herself sure, she slowly unfolded the letter as if doing it faster would ruin something inside of it.

To

My dearest and my most beloved friend, Zukroof.

I know this may seem silly...who writes a letter in the era of emails and Facebook?  but I wanna do it. Because a lot of things will go unsaid if I write the same thing and send you a message on Facebook and I could try to enhance it by add some emojis and hope that you understood what I am trying convey

And but there's also a fair chance that things will remain unsaid in this letter as well.

Probably I am writing this to let you have a piece of me. How else would I give you a piece of me to hold onto? to keep coming back to? I want this to be with you as if I, in my entirety is with you and I know a mere text message won't suffice for what I have to say.

I don't know if you are still angry with me - or worse- still hate me for what happened that day but if you are reading still, I would like you to know that I have not written this letter to justify myself because when the time is right, you will eventually know.

Anyway, moving on...I am writing this as a goodbye. By the time you'd be reading this, I will probably be in Riyadh. Once again, we would be back to how we were before we met except that it will not be easy, at least not for me. I will remember your essence and the way your existence had an impact on mine. I will remember you as my dearest friend and I can only hope you can do so too. Because the time we spent together means much more to me than you can imagine. It was the kind you see in the movies as a montage of how two people met, came to know each other and departed with hope that one day they would come back together to start where they left. I am not sure where life will take us, Zukroof, I am not sure if we will ever get to see each other again let alone meet but I hope we do. I hope we do meet someday when the days ahead of us had erased all the bitter memories of the days we left behind us and I hope, that day we can start as fresh. I hope that day we can meet each other just like we met for the first time on the stairs of the school. Until then, take care of yourself for me. And have in your heart to forgive me.

I hope you can have it in your heart to forgive me for even a sliver of hurt I caused to you. I can say with all my heart that it was never my intention. And Allah knows best how much I care for you and cherish you as my dearest friend.

Take care,

Goodbye

Yours,

Yazan.