Home Again, Soldier

2-Try To Say Live, Live And Let Live

2-Try To Say Live, Live And Let Live
Title cred: Irristable by Fall Out Boy

Hailey makes pancakes the next morning. I'm not hungry but she makes me eat at least half of one. Jack on the other hand, scarfs down three big pancakes lathered with Nutella instead of the traditional butter and syrup. Hailey looks tired, my fault for keeping her up last night. I try to tell her she doesn't have to, that she can just go to sleep; at least I could say I'm sorry for keeping her up, but nothing comes out.

I finally meet Dana and Lindsey. Dana is a petite blonde who kinda just follows Lindsey around. Lindsey is tall and brunette with a permanent brave face on. They're both really nice but they didn't stick around long. When Hailey wasn't listening Lindsey told me they don't stick around much because they both have boyfriends they go and see.

Jack keeps looking at me, I pretend I don't notice, but it makes me uncomfortable. He's trying to figure me out, but I got news buddy, I can't even figure myself out so good luck with that.

"I thought we'd go to the store today, you can pick out some food you like" Hailey says after she turns off the water from washing the dishes. I had to wash the dishes at one home I was at. The water was hotter than I expected and I burned my hand, so they locked me in the trunk for a few hours. I keep picking at the pancakes I'm not going to eat.

"Aw man, can I come?" Jack bounces in his chair like he can't handle the excitement of grocery shopping.

"That'd be great. I need an extra set of hands, since we're walking"

"Walking?" Jack's face twists up in confusion.

"Yeah, we don't get a whole lot, plus the fresh air will do us good." Hailey says. I respect her for not invading my privacy, sharing all my secrets with Jack. I mean, there are some things she has to tell Jack about me, I understand, but I'm glad she knows what Jack needs to know versus what he doesn't, and keeps it that way.

"I really hope you like pizza rolls" Jack turns and whispers to me "they're my favourite but she never buys them except on special occasions like my birthday. But she'll totally buy them for you."

I don't reply, or even look up for that matter. I don't want to go to the store. I want to crawl into bed and stare at the wall until I don't know who I am anymore. Hailey lays my medication on the table before me and I scoop them up in a handful and swallow them down with a gulp of orange juice. Down the throat, dissolving into my blood system to link together defective neurotransmitters to make me feel like a person. Was I ever a person, really?

I squeeze my eyes shut and try to shake away those thoughts. I don't need to disassociate right now. I hate that feeling. The tingling feeling that my body gets when I dissociate. My stomach goes cold and my mind wraps around and tangles itself.

Hailey tells us to go get dressed, seeing we are still in our pyjamas and messy hair, and meet down here in ten minutes so we can go. We both obey, going our separate ways to go get changed. I haven't unpacked my suitcase yet and I don't plan to. I shuffle the unfolded clothes around to find a pair of skinny jeans and a plain grey v-neck, then put them on around my thin stature. I slip my Converse in and tie them tightly before running a brush through my hair. I'm exaughsted now, I shouldn't be, but I am. Just getting dressed is exaughsting, I'm pathetic.

Jack taps a few times on my door and asks if I'm ready to go. I've been getting ready for fifteen minutes. How did I lose track of time so easily? And why did it take me so long to do something that should've taken five minutes? I push my heavy body up from the floor and shuffle to the door, still avoiding Hailey's vanity mirror. I don't need to see the sad reflection of a damaged beyond hope boy with bags under his eyes and an overall unattractive face. When I open the door, Jack isn't there, he's in the kitchen with Hailey waiting for me.