8- Make Them Stop
Title cred: Glowing Eyes by Twenty One Pilots
Due to the universe, or whatever you believe in, fate maybe, I have a bad day. Then another one. And another one. Which is fine, perfectly normal for me. I can handle the despair, self-loathing thoughts, and questioning my existence. However, this low point hitting right after kissing Jack is a problem. When I'm like this, I sleep until I can't sleep anymore and consequently push everyone away. I can only assume that Jack thinks I hate him because of what happened the other night. On my first bad day he came home all happy and cheery, excited to see me but I crushed his poor little heart because my brain couldn't even find the effort to smile at him or tell him it's not his fault. So he stopped coming into my bedroom at night after I unintentionally gave him the cold shoulder.
The guilt of that topped with the confused regret is deafening. I say confused regret because I feel regret for kissing him but I don't regret it. Like, there are so many negative things that will just end up hurting me in the end, but I don't care. Like I'm making it a problem for another day. I really just want to kiss him again, despite my inevitable downfall and heartbreak that he will cause.
Hailey made me come out of my room today, so I'm sitting on the old couch watching cartoons when Jack comes downstairs. I'm curled up at the end of the couch with my head on the armrest and I don't bother lifting my head up to meet his eyes since I'm still not feeling too good. Well, I never really feel 'good' but you know what I mean.
He plops down next to my feet and starts silently watching with me. Spongebob is trying to ride a rollercoaster or something but I'm not really paying attention anymore, instead I'm trying to move my useless body then mangle it I into some position that will help comfort Jack. I haven't figured out what that position is yet, but baby steps.
It only takes one episode and three commercials of Spongebob to bring my body to the upright position then promptly fall so my head lies on Jack's lap. He tenses up at first but relaxes right away. Then, tenetavly, he brings his hand up to gently stroke my hair. When I hum with contentment, he becomes less hesitant with his pets, yet still gentle. It feels good, soft, like he actually cares--I haven't known that feeling in a while. Besides Sarah, Sarah cared, but only because it was her job, it's not the same.
It was soothing, everything was soothing. Soothing enough to make me fall into a small nap that wasn't so soothing.
Car. Screaming. Lights. Crash. The whole shebang. It's honestly getting old, but it still scares the shit out of me everytime. I just wish for once I could sleep without seeing all the blood and glass shards that littered the ground of that dreadful night.
I roll of the couch in a fright and end up hitting my head on the coffee table. Jack reaches his hand out to calm the animal unraveling in front of him but I jump away and freak out more. For once can I just be normal? I'm sick and tired of these fucking panic attacks and I want them to stop. I don't care if I sound like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. I want it to stop.
"I know this is a bad time but I just want to clarify... you aren't freaked out about kissing me" Jack asks, it sends my head into a twirl. Bad time? Bad time? Fucking hell does this look like a good time to bring anything up? The question throws me off for a second, catching me mid hair tug, but I snap back into my familiar freak out and yank my hair harder. "you...are freaked out?" Jesus Christ Jack. Not the time right now. Just honestly shut the fuck up.
"Shut up" I manage to get out between raw gasps. Right now I feel like banging my head against the wall, but I wouldn't be opposed to banging Jack's against the wall under these circumstances.
Jack laughs. He laughs and I nearly punch him in the face again because this is not funny. My situation right now is not even close to being laughable but here he is laughing at me. But then he says "I was hoping to help calm you down" he keeps talking but a wave of panic rushes through me and his voice gets lost in the white noise. When I bring myself back he's saying "I just want to make you feel better". I let the panic wave over me again because it's easier than listening to Jack right now.
"Jack! What did you do?" Hailey decides to join this catastrophic event now.
"What? Me? I didn't do anything! He fell asleep" Jack defends himself more than actually tries to clear up the situation. Hailey looks at me and I try to say something but I can't think of any words valuable enough for this situation so I just close my mouth and look back down at the carpet.
I hear her sigh. "I'm sorry" was all she could say, and I'm not even sure who the apology was to.
A/N
I found a boy who's as crazy about memes as I am. I must catch him. We'll go steal bread sticks from Olive Garden together for a first date.
~ Dani "the dank meme"
"LET'S START A MEME WAR" Me, yelling, in a p quiet class
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