Home Again, Soldier

5- Take My Hand And Never Be Afraid Again

5-Take My Hand And Never Be Afraid Again
Title cred: Lady Of Sorrows by My Chemical Romance

Today is a good day. Sort of. I don't feel like jumping off a bridge or slamming my head into a desk so that's good. But today I'm going out for pizza with Jack and two of his other friends. It's a warm Saturday for autumn, but not hot enough that we break a sweat on our walk across town to the pizza parlor. I'm regretting this more and more with every step I take. What if they don't like me? What if they think I'm a freak? What if they convince Jack that I'm a loser who shouldn't have any friends? I try listening to what Jack is saying, but my thoughts are too loud.

As soon as the door to the pizza place swings closed behind us, Jack leaps into the back of some guy who had his back turned against us. The guy yelps and curses at Jack before shaking him off. "Alex, you've already met Rian, but this is Zack, Zack, Alex" he introduces me to the guy whose back he was on just moments ago. I don't look up at him.

"You guys order and we'll get the table?" Jack suggests, he's walking towards the tables as he's saying it so they don't have much of a choice but to agree, as for me, I follow Jack towards the booth he chose.

"Window seat or isle seat?" Jack grins. I slide into the booth first, taking the seat next to the wall, there was really no window there. I'm shaking so bad, freaking out. Staring straight ahead, blankly, trying to calm myself down. I'm trying to hold on, metaphorically and physically, I'm clawing at the booth's seating below.

My hand anchors onto something warm, and I hold it tight. I look down to see its Jack's hand, I gasp and look up to meet his eyes. He's got a huge grin plastered across his face and his eyes show nothing but a caring nature. Seeing this, I relax, muscles loosening one by one. Briefly,  my body tenses up because oh my god I'm touching him, he's gonna die, but then I remember that he was okay last time, so I relax into the booth again.

Zack and Rian slide in across from us. "We got pepperoni" Rian smiles widely. Good. Good. Pepperoni is good.

"So your the famous Alex, Jack won't shut the fuck up about you" Zack turns to me, Jack shoots him a weird glare. Why would he talk about me? There's nothing special to talk about. I'm nothing special.

A server comes and plops a giant pizza on the table in front of us and the three boys hum a 'thank you' before diving in. I timidly take a piece and eat it shyly, taking small bites.

They're onto talking about their teachers and I feel left out. I don't even know why I'm here. I shouldn't be here, I don't belong. I'm not someone people can be friends with. Everyone walks on egg shells around me, they avoid me if at all possible. I'm a freak. I mean who just doesn't talk to anyone? Isn't that a basic human need?

I'm holding on so tight to Jack's hand I'm surprised it doesn't break. But when he rubs the pad of his thumb over the back of my hand, smoothing over the tendons bulging with stress, I relax a little, not fully, but a little. It's a tiny, meaningless gesture, but it doesn't really feel like that right now. It's a caring gesture that I very much appreciate. I see Jack smile out of the corner of my eye, probably laughing at something his friends said, but a small part of me tells me that he just knows because he keeps running his thumb across the back of my hand and I can't help but relax into it.

"You got Jack to watch something other than Home Alone?" I'm pulled back into the conversation as Rian directs his words in my direction. "I'm impressed"

I feel myself blush, am I forcing Jack to watch things he doesn't want to watch? I'm such a horrible person.

"Yeah, he introduced me to the world of horror films, and I actually kinda enjoy it" Jack reassuringly squeezes my hand, and I relax again.

"Unfair!" Zack whines "I've been trying to get you to watch Last Shift with me for months."

"Yeah watched that" Jack smiles all smug and cocky "It was pretty good"

"Pretty good?" Zack practically yells, it's enough for me to freak out. "it's amazing"

Jack notices my distress and starts drawing circles with his thumb. My heart's still beating really loud, almost overpowering, but I'm okay now, I realise I'm not in danger, I'm just coming down from the scare. Kinda like when you tip your chair back and it almost falls but you catch yourself then proceed to have a mini heart attack.

Just as I'm calming down phone buzzes on the table and I jump a little in my chair and then have to start the process all over again. "Shit, my mom wants me home." Rian slides out of the booth and looks at Zack "Am I still giving you a ride home" Zack nods, and Rian turns to us "do you guys need a ride?"

I squeeze Jack's hand tight. Please say no please say no. "No, we're good" he replies and I let out a sigh of relief.

"Okay, well it was nice to meet you, Alex and I'll see you Monday, Jack" Rian concludes before leaving with Zack at his heel.

"Wanna get going?" Jack turns to me with a smile, I don't say anything before he's already standing up out of the booth and I'm following behind him.

When we get outside its already dark out, meaning what I had thought to be a thirty minute chat with friends had actually been more than an hour. You'd think I'd be used to losing track of time or big chunks out of my day but I always find it unsettling.

We are on the porch of the house when I suddenly realise that I hasn't let go of Jack's hand, and he hasn't let go of mine. That is until he drops my hand to open the door.

Hailey's cleaning the kitchen, humming quietly to herself when we enter. "Hi boys, how was your night" she asks once she notices our presence.

"Good" Jack smiles a little too big, but we keep walking, I'm not in the mood to listen to much more conversation and I don't know about Jack but he keeps walking along side me anyways.

"They like you" Jack says, closing the door behind us as we enter the bedroom. I don't mind him hanging out down here with me, I think he's lonely. Even when I don't want to be around anyone, I still think that having him here is better than being alone with my own thoughts.

I'm exaughsted, mentally more than physically, and I really just want to lie down. Jack is standing in front of me, playing with his hands, and when he doesn't say anything I crawl into bed, and he leaves a minute later.

I'm not stupid, I see the way he looks at me, I can tell that he likes me in more than a friend kind of way. But I don't want him to think like that. People I love get hurt, I don't want him to get hurt. In the end, I decide to just shove the problem away, make it a problem for another day.

A/N

I could probably lay down for eternity right now. But school. Ugh. I actually really like this fic so yeah I'm proud.

~Danielle

"I'm going to take a bath in Chapstick and be my own slip n slide" -some dude.