Home Again, Soldier

6-Where Do We All Go From Here?

6-Where Do We All Go From Here?
Title cred: My Heart's To Blame by Falling In Reverse

I find stormy days comforting in a sense; as if the world is finally on my level of sadness, or at least closer to it than before. Some people like to shower a lot because they can't tell their tears from the water that pours down. But when I cry, I sob, and the sickening noises become even more sickening as it bounces and echoes of the pearl tiles. I like my sobs to repeat itself only once, so I walk in the rain. The rain is brain-meltingly cold, but I really don't mind, it numbs me as a whole.

The grey skies loom threateningly overhead,but I can't quite get good look at them without rain going directly into my irises and blurring my vision, so they might simply just be looking gently overhead. Maybe they're protecting me right now from whatever may hide them. I guess, at least for now, I find some comfort in them watching over me. Some people might talk about their dead parents like I am the clouds. But I think they believe in heaven, or at least something better. I had faith once, but my brother died and things unravelled. I started questioning God, and got no answers. Then my parents died and I asked Him why He killed two innocent people when the guilty one survived in the backseat. I asked Him why good people suffer and the bad people are left to walk the Earth making it more rotten in every generation. He never answered.

God, how the hell did I get here? Well, not here literally, on this road, in the middle of a storm, as we've covered. But in this pitiful downfall of nostalgia and despair. Thunder cracks overhead and I just feel better. Like the unclearness of the day clears my head and settles my sanity. I feel happy, an insane kind of happy that fills me up like a buttercup and I actually smile.

I'm alone with complete solitude and a line, verse really, is running through my head,wanting escape. 'You won't find me in the same spot Believe me I could never stop My life's turned upside down Meet me out past the train tracks I'm leaving and not coming back You're right and I was wrong This town will be the downfall of us all'; it's called the Downfall Of Us All by A Day To Remember.

"You won't find me in the same spot, believe me I could never stop" my vocal chords are raw and unused but it still sounds as great as the first day I sang this song on the roof with Tom. It was a warm night in summer, one of the nights where it's so hot that not even sitting in front of the fan with a popsicle will stop the heat. So just as I had hopped on to the roof, I hop up on railing of the bridge in the fridged rain and keep on singing. "my life's turned upside down-"

"Alex! Don't jump!" I spin around to see Jack drenched from the rain with a scared look on his face. How the hell did he get here? And why did he think I was going to jump? I'm not going to jump!

"I'm not going to jump" I yell "What the fuck? Where you fucking stalking me?"

Jack looks surprised to say the least. He hasn't heard as much of a squeak from me and now I'm yelling at him. I can only imagine he has a million questions waiting to pour out of his mouth, but I had rendered him speechless, an interesting role reversal. It doesn't last long before he says "I wasn't- I wasn't stalking you, I just wanted you to stay safe"

I don't know why it makes me so angry, I mean there's normal angry then there's what I did. I'm using all my muscular strength to push my body off the railings and lunge at him. Why? I have no clue. But I'm letting my fist connect harshly with his jaw and I'm spewing venomous words at him. "I can take care of myself! I'm not a child! I don't need someone to protect me, I don't need protection" I'm screaming with red hot angry tears.

I punch him again and I realise I'm taking my problems out on him. It was bound to happen eventually, two years of bottling up carbonating pain and he shook the soda can. "Everyone's dead because of me!  My parents are dead because of me" I feel like I've been punched in the guts, it wasn't by Jack, though I think that would have hurt less if the pain was from him. "My parents are dead" I repeat, all heat lost from my words. I've never said that before, but now that I have it made it real. My parents are dead. I stumble backwards and my spine hits the railing letting me sink down against it, sitting in a puddle.

A panic attack comes rushing through my veins and I can't breathe, can't see. My vision is filled with a never ending cycle of my parents death, all I can hear is their screams, all I can do is try to get enough air into my lungs and dig my nails deeper and deeper into my skin. My world is swirling, swirling, swirling then finally crashing down around me. Everything goes blank, a black slate of peacefulness.

---

I blink. One, two, three times before my blurry vision clears. I'm back in my bedroom, under a layer of covers and I see Hailey's reading in the chair to my left and Jack is sleeping in the chair to my right.

"He hasn't left your side" Hailey's voice makes me jump. "you were out for three days" three days? All I had was a panic attack, given it was the worst I've ever had, but I can't believe it knocked me out, and for three days nonetheless. "I was about to call the doctor, God, I'm just glad you're okay" her hand twitches like she wanted to comfort me with a hand touch or hug, but I'm glad she didn't.

Out of the corner of my eye I see  Jack shifting uncomfortably in his chair and blinking awake much like I just did. When his head pops up,  I see the bruises I've left on him, a purple mark on the jaw and a black eye that couldn't have been that bad since its already healing to look more like a red eye. I want to say sorry you were in the wrong place at the wrong time, to say thank you for not leaving me out there to die, and I just can't find the words; but he's looking at me with this expression that tells me he already knows, and I at least feel a little better.

"I'll go make you some tea" Hailey excuses herself, leaving Jack and I to sit and stare at each other in uncomfortable silence.

I try to tell him I'm sorry, but words don't form. "You just seem so sad"Jack cards his fingers through his hair, taking up the empty space with his words. "I didn't want to lose you" oh yeah, because I'm such an amazing friend to have around. I think the lack of words and face punching are two of the best characteristics to have in a friend.

I turn on my side so my back is to him with a yawn. I can't deal with him right now, I can't deal with the guilt.

A/N

If you've never seen pictures of birds with arms then you're missing out.

~Dani

"I don't even use my muscles to navigate I just kind of throw my bones around" ~girl in my English class