Home Again, Soldier

11-We'll Make It Out Alive

11-We'll Make It Out Alive

Title cred: Stitches by Shawn Mendes

We both agreed to keep the thing between us under wraps, especially with Hailey. I don't even let Jack sleep in the same bed as me, even though he wants to. When I get nightmares he'll sit on the floor by my bed and lay his head on the mattress next to my chest until I calm down.

Being classic teenagers, when we're alone is when things get fun. Fun as in softly making out until I become uncomfortable in my own skin and pull away. Words crawl into my brain and make me question my relationship with Jack. What if he doesn't like me anymore? What if he realised he made a mistake?  What if he's just letting me on?  What if he doesn't like me anymore and he just doesn't know how to break up with me?  Is this all just a sick joke?

I asked Jack once, if he still liked me. He chuckled, said 'of course', and kissed me lightly. I don't think he realises how big of a thing this is for me. Like, I lost everything and became fearful of everything and everyone. I knew that if I were to have a relationship too soon I would fall off the wagon and never be able to get back on if Jack broke it off, but I did anyways. Of course I can't tell Jack this because that's basically saying 'I don't care how much you hate me you have to stay with me forever or carry my blood on your hands', and that's emotional abuse, which I'm never down for. I basically just put myself into a horrible situation that I now am in too deep to get out of, because I actually like Jack.

I actually like Jack. The way his eyes sparkle, the look he gets when he talks about something he loves, how selfless he is, how he's so smooth and easy going with his friends. I could go on for hours talking about how much he loves his coffee with peppermint candy canes and how much he wants to get a dog when he has his own place (Hailey says that a dog would be too expensive to have around the house).

After dinner Hailey asks if I'd stay and help do the dishes with her. She has a look on her face that I've seen multiple times, mostly from Sarah. It's the look Sarah gets when she's about to tell me I'm moving, and let me tell you, there is no easy way to tell a kid that they aren't wanted anymore. It's heartbreaking.

When I see this look I immediately break down. Tears are streaming from my eyes and I'm shaking like a leaf in a hurricane. "Please don't make me leave" I have to hold onto the table to keep from falling out of my chair. "Please please. I don't want to go, I like it here."

Hailey sits down next to me and is quick to reassure me "Oh Alex honey, you're not going anywhere I promise."

"But...?" I look up at her through teary eyes because there has to be more. She had the look.

"All I was going to tell you was that the end of the first semester is approching and you have to go to public school for second semester."

Honestly just stab me okay. School?  With people? I can only imagine this ending horribly.

"It won't be that bad" she tries to be optimistic but it's not really working for me "Jack will be there and the school already has your accommodations set up for you"

I don't really want to deal with this right now. Actually, if I had the choice I would just not deal with it forever, however that seems highly unlikely. So just not dealing with it for right now will work for me. I leave Hailey sitting at the rounded kitchen table to go and lay down in my bed.

I crawl under the covers and hide from the world just as Jack is coming back from his shower. The irrational side of me prays he doesn't notice I'm here.

But he does despite my best efforts. "Hey Lex" he coos in a voice that's as soft as fur and as smooth as honey. I tighten myself into a ball tighter but he keeps talking. "I've got this idea..."

"Shut the hell up, Jack" I growl through my teeth. It's angrier than I had wanted it to be but sometimes these things just bubble out of me.

"Sorry..." he says, all fluff drained from his voice, replacing with a hurt tone that could compare to what he'd sound like if I told him I murdered his puppy. Sorry man.

----------

The next day, when we are holding hands and waking to the park together, he asks what was wrong.

I shrug and we round the corner into the park. I don't really want to tell him right now, although he'll find out eventually I suppose. "Sorry I yelled at you"

He smiles and kisses my temple "It's okay. Just know I'm here for you."

"I know" I can't help but smile as we reach the our tree (the tree we always hang out under) . He's so sweet and patient, I don't know how he does it because being around me is hell.

I sit in the snow and pull Jack's hand with me so he sits too. It's cold and we're wearing too many layers that make us look ridiculous but we love coming here anyways. When we're here together the cold wind that whips around us and crawls under our skin just doesn't seem so bad.

He giggles then leans up to kiss me, pushing me down so I'm laying down flat, cold snow on my exposed skin on the back of my neck. I only notice that for a second though because fear courses through me when Jack licks past my lips, slow and ticklish, the way that always makes me squirm. I smile against his lips and he kisses a trail down my cheek and to my ear before I blurt out "I'm going to school next semester with you" I don't know how those words got there, I wasn't even thinking about that, but now I can't take it back. "Hailey doesn't have enough money to support the home schooling anymore"

Jack pulls all the way back and studies my face. "That really sucks man, I'm sorry. But you know our school is really good about accommodations and stuff"

I shrug as Jack wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me in tight. I'm just scared, really scared. And that's okay because I'm allowed to be scared, but just because it's okay doesn't mean it doesn't tear me up inside.

I can feel Jack's hot breath as he nuzzles his nose against my neck and kisses it so short and gentle. I have to giggle and lean into it because I've always had a thing for neck kisses. Jack doesn't know my weakness yet, but if he keeps kissing my neck like that I'm sure he will, then proceed to use it to his full advantage.

I bring his lips back to mine just for a moment and everything feels okay.

A/N

I have an essay due tomorrow and no will to live right now. So that's where I'm at right now.

~Danielle

"Are you eating cold soup out of the can with a fork?" -my friend to me (the answer was yes)