Home Again, Soldier

7- Shut Your Eyes, Let Darkness

7- Shut Your Eyes, Let Darkness
Title cred: Tendencies by Hollywood Undead

Jack looks at me funny now, like he wants me to talk again. I never really talked in the first place, it was more screaming, less talking. Nevertheless, he sits there and pretends he's not looking at me as I'm sitting on the floor of his bedroom, tuning his guitar. The strings vibrate at different pitches and I turn the silver knobs accordingly. Everything is just feels so in place, with my hands on the strings and my feet falling asleep under my crossed legs.

"I'm not angry at you" Jack's voice cracks the fragile air between us. He's said this many times over the past week. I know he's not angry with me, I knew he wasnt angry since I looked at the concern on his face. Won't talk to him because questions get asked, feelings arise, nothing I want to deal with right now. I think I could successfully not deal with it forever and be just fine.

"I know" I finally say because I really don't want him to repeat it again, his undirected guilt is kind of annoying. I realise that I'm being extremely hypocritical, seeing that I have similar feelings too often, and it doesn't make sense. Mental illness doesn't make sense. Nothing makes sense.

Before my thoughts start swirling, sending me into a disassociative state, Jack hums an 'okay'. He opens his mouth to speak again but Hailey beats him to the punch by popping in the room and telling me that Jack has school tomorrow so I should let him sleep. I follow her advice before things get too complicated.

I silently pad down the carpeted steps and through the dark into my bedroom. After wiggling my skinny jeans off, I crawl under the sheets and stare into the darkness.

I'm sad, a deeper kind of sad that stems from something I don't quite understand yet. Unexplainable things roll through my head and I find myself with more questions than answers. I'm not suicidal, really I'm not, but I do kind of want to be dead, or at least pause life and catch up to where I feel more comfortable. Some days, much like today, I wish I didn't exist, like my molecules didn't combine into cells and my cells didn't combine into a person. I just wish that I'm not.

Jack sneaks in during my existential crisis and curls up next to me in the darkness. I can't see him, but I know he's holding his hand out flat in front of him, as if he were going for a high five; I press my palm against his, mirroring his flat hand and straight fingers. I like the nights he comes down here and he falls asleep like this while I try to make out his facial features in the dark, because it's easier to focus on that than the poisonous thoughts that infect my brain. We'll often hold hands too, when going to the library or to hang out with Jack's friends. It's nice, it's...comfortable. Sometimes I worry if it's too comfortable, if I'm making a huge mistake that will only lead to something far worse. Hopefully I can spare my own feelings, Jack's though, I worry about.

Jack goes to school the next morning and I stay in bed. At some point Hailey comes in and gives me my medicine then mumbles something about having to drive somewhere. She told me to get up and feel free to walk around while she was gone, but I'm not really feeling up to it, so I stay here. I might as well sleep because I haven't in a while and I can't wake anyone up.

Life swirls around me and I can't slow it down. Can't slow anything down. I can't slow the car down. Nothing slows down, not even after the crash that brought my life to a screeching halt. I try grabbing onto something, anything to slow me down. All that's here is hot, thick air.

I wake up with a jolt in a cold sweat like usual. I'm so tired, just so exaughsted and I can't do this anymore. I feel so weak, so inferior, like my insides are crumbling and I can't do anything about it. I'm so tired, but not the sleepy kind of tired, but the 'I need a break from life' tired.

"You look like shit too" Jack says from my side. I twitch from the startle, wasn't he at school? What time is it? I go to get a glimpse at the clock when I really get to see Jack.

I lift my hand up and it hovers over his eye for a moment before just barely putting my fingertips to his purple puffy skin under his eyes, softly running my fingerprint over his bruise.

He flinches at the touch, the bruise still being sensitive. "I got into a fight" he sighs.

"Why?" my throat just barely pushes out. I let my hand fall to the mattress between us and I kind of expected he'd take my hand but he just lets out another heavy sigh.

"Promise you won't hate me after I tell you this personal thing about myself?" Jack looks at me with his chocolate brown eyes through his thick black eyelashes. I nod, mostly with my eyes. He takes a deep breath "I'm kind of...you know...gay..."

I just stay where I am, looking at him. I mean duh, I already knew that. I didn't realise it was a secret. Jack's trying to read my blank expression but he's not getting anything because I'm not giving anything. He tests me by hooking his pinkie together with mine, and when I don't flip shit he smiles and takes my entire have in his. "I already knew that" I tell him, and I'm not sure why.

"Really?" he giggles "how?" how do I know? Jesus Christ because of the way you look at me dumbass. You don't even try to hide it. I just shrug, there aren't any words right now.

He looks up at me all of a sudden, and his hand goes loose in mine to the point of slipping out. I can feel his breath against my cheek and I just know what's going to happen. I try to run but my muscles aren't working the right way even though my brain is screaming at them. "Can I kiss you?"

Well, at least he asked. But I don't have time to relish in the kindness of Jack's consent because a toxic wind whips through me. Yes and no, the wanting him and the rational stay away from everyone, spin around each other creating a tornado of confusion. A panic attack whips through my body and I can only imagine how Jack's feeling right now. This is intense rejection, even if it's not really rejection because half of me still wants to nod yes even though I can't breathe and I think I'm going to throw up.

Jack is saying something but it doesn't matter because I'm too far gone now. I can't get close to another person. Not again. I can't have that heartbreak and agony. I don't think I could survive that again. But then, deep down something squeaks at me, telling me that I'm being ridiculous. Because Jack's the only one who makes me feel alive again. He's the only one that makes living seem not so bad and that maybe I can get up and do something. But what if he leaves? He can't leave.

But he is anyways, he's halfway out the door when I finally realise he's leaving. Somehow I get my body to move, rolling off the bed and taking two steps towards Jack before falling because I'm just so tired. Before I hit the ground, a pair of arms wrap around me and pull me back up. I can't stand, I'm putting the majority of my weight on Jack. "don't leave" I'm whining, it's at such a low volume I don't even think he can hear me but I'm begging anyways. "please please please don't leave me. You can't leave me. Please don't go"

"I won't. I'm going to stay. I won't leave. I promise" he whispers back. I don't even think about the repercussions of believing him because right now that's all I need to hear. I don't think he's lying, I don't think he's going to die, I don't think he'll leave. I just believe him, and it feels amazing. I lean my forehead against his and angle my head before pushing my lips against his, letting them melt together. I'm still leaning on Jack and my mind hasn't caught up yet and it feels good. Fuck, it's been so long.

All to soon Jack lets his lips part from mine, leaving too much air between them. He says something I don't catch before leading me back to the bed so I can lay down and give his muscles a rest. He climbs in beside me and I take his hand in mine so when we kiss again he doesn't touch anything else. I'm not even talking sexually, I just mean we have to work up to hugs and stuff because this is a lot at once.

He kisses me lightly again then settles back into the bed, yawning. I replay the kiss over and over again when Jack falls asleep beside me. Right now I'm still high on the feeling but when will I come down and regret this all?

A/N

I dressed up as a hooker this weekend and went to Walgreen's. Um yeah I have no excuse except for the fact that it was hilarious. I knew the cashier working there though so Oooppss oh well.

~Dani

"you know what? Fuck you too ketchup packet!" ~me to my friend in band.