Forced Happiness

Chapter 2 (EDITED)

When I wake up the next morning, I find Mom beside me gently rubbing my hair, tears in her eyes again. I feel guilty for causing this, I'd have much rather stayed silent. Now we all have to face the future which by all rights should be my burden to carry by myself. My thoughts are interrupted by a sudden wave of nausea. I rush to the bathroom for what feels like the millionth time. Finally, I emerge. It's Monday, but thankfully school doesn't start back for a few weeks. So much for my amazing senior year, I think darkly. Mom tells me quietly that Joel's been talking to the police, but they said it's going to be difficult because I didn't come forward earlier or do a rape kit. I look down, ashamed, and groaning internally knowing that in a few short months there will be a lot more than just this to endure. I push the thoughts away quickly before they can go any further.

"Why didn't you just tell me, honey?"

I just shake my head unable to even vocalize the promise of the threat made that my mind had so often gone back to. My tears surface again though I try to push them back. I just crawl back into the safety of my warm bed. She sits on the edge and attempts to comfort me. Soon, I've run out of tears and get up. I have to go to the police station and file a report, the paperwork is done but they seem skeptical.

Mom drags me to the doctor and they fit me in. I'm told that 3 months along and given an estimated due date. I struggle to deal with the deluge of information as I'm told of the importance of prenatal vitamins and healthy eating. We go home and Joel sits there radiating anger. I can tell it's taking all his self-control not to commit murder. I don't even know what to say to him so the sound of silence fills the air. Mom regretfully left for work at my insistence. So it's just the two of us.

Finally, my brother speaks, "What're you going to do Fae?"

"What do you mean?"

"About all this. Your whole life. I don't know. Everything I guess."

"I really don't either."

That's it. In the following days, he transfers to the local community college instead of his university though I beg him not to. I tell him he's worked too hard to change it now, but it's no use. Soon things begin to settle into an unsteady routine. I disappear from what used to be my social life, much to Matt's confusion. Instead I throw myself into my online classes, trying to get ahead while I can. I refuse to let this keep from graduating. Resentment wells in me, but I try to keep it at bay. I understand now more than ever why they say life's not fair.

Matt refused to let my disappearance drop, of course. I guess I honestly hadn't expected any less of him. I finally break down and tell him one night while we're on the phone. I'll never forget his sharp intake of breath and the silence that followed. I fully expect to lose him, which is exactly why I hadn't said anything yet. Instead, he shocks me forever and though I had no idea at the time what he said next would change my life forever.

"Then marry me."

"What?" I can't even.

"You heard me baby."

"You know we can't do that. You're barely 18."

But he's insistent. I'm terrified to even consider such an absurd notion, but he is persistent. At first, I don't mention it to my family and just tell him all the reasons it could never work. It doesn't dissuade him in the slightest. Finally, I tell Mom after a few days of him continuing to bring it up at every opportunity. She doesn't like the idea at first, shocking I know, but she's the one who insists he loves me and pushed me to tell him in the first place.

We're so young, such a thing has always been far from my mind as something in the distant future. I do love him more than I'm willing to admit, but that's all the more reason I can't let him do this. His reaction alone tells me he feels the same way but I refuse to allow him to ruin his life too. We don't exactly have real job, though he works for his parents or a place to live. We haven't even finished school so the very idea is ludicrous. Not that he listens. Mom finally sighs, seeing me so conflicted. She says she'll mention it to Joel. Surely, he'll put a stop to this insane idea. But no, after hating the idea at first too, he joins the insanity. I guess he realized their 'logic' and how it would less my humiliation, if only slightly. This is the south, the bible belt so this kind of thing is basically a ticket to judgement and scorn.

I still refuse to even see Matt much to his frustration, but I just can't yet. He visits Joel at work and they conspire against me. We have an old barn on the edge of the property that's still standing, but just used for storage. By my brother's oh-so-sane reasoning, we could fix it up and turn it into a livable place. Guess we found a use for the bit of money set aside for my college. I couldn't believe my ears since I thought he would be the one to say not just no, but hell no. Everything really does fall into places when Matt's parents agree to give him more hours at work, pushing him to just under full time. They don't really know what's going on, but they don't ask either.

I'm forced into therapy and diagnosed with PTSD, yet another thing to add. It explains a lot, as I wake up screaming most nights. I can't handle being around most of the male population at all without shaking with terror, another reasons I'm nervous about seeing Matt after these last few weeks. I know he knew something was wrong in the weeks following what happened but he never pushed me to tell him.

I'm rummaging through the fridge looking for something to eat when he calls. He asked to take me out, and I agree knowing I can't keep pushing him away unfairly like I have been. I go and ask Mom if it's okay. She agrees on the condition that she comes too. I grumble, but understand her protectiveness all things considered. I'm not really sure I could do this by myself anyway. I struggle to find something to wear as I'm gaining weight much more quickly than I'd like. I'm all too aware of the tightness of the dress that used to cling to my small form.

We go to the restaurant that passes for this town's idea of fine dining. Mom urges me inside and my mouth falls open. White twinkling lights and white table cloths dominate the scene. Joel and a few family members are already there waiting much to my confusion. Matt taps my shoulder from behind. Warmth fills me at the sight of him and I can't believe I was ever nervous about seeing him. I'm ushered through the tables to a small clearing. A judge is waiting and I realize what's happening with a gasp. The rest is a blur. I can't believe they planned all of this without me knowing. I don't think I even ever admitted to agreeing to this crazy idea. Soon we're running out to Matt's old truck amid flurries of rice. I'm in shock as I stare at the delicate silver band on my hand. He starts the truck up with a roar and we wind up in his familiar room where we'd spend so much time before all this. I fall asleep almost immediately finally feeling safe because of his presence.

I wake up to find him staring at me and I blush. I realize that for the first night in as long as I can remember my dreams weren't haunted by memories. We go back home and Mom gives me a knowing look. I'm mortified, but she just laughs at my reaction. She just stares at me thinking I'm sure of the many years we've been friends and more.

"You do realize you just got married right honey?" She laughs trying to make me smile.

I just sigh and give up. I really doubt anything will happen for a long time yet. Not that Matt's put any pressure on me, I still realize he is a guy. Joel and Matt start working on the barn in almost all their spare time. Everything is planned and moving along quickly, I can't help but feel nervous.

I'm terrified of what's happening to me, but even more so of the massive changes still to come. Matt is completely amazing as me rush around trying to get everything ready and find all the things we need. I still can't believe we just got married, it doesn't seem real. I feel terrible and guilty that I can't help, but flinch at his slightest touch most of the time. He doesn't even comment on it or acknowledge it. As for families go, it was pretty helpful that his Dad makes furniture for a living. I know he told them what's going on though I'm not sure how much and I don't ask. Matt plans to start the online homeschooling with me so he can work more with his dad. I find myself missing the normalcy of mundane dramas of high school life, but shudder at the thought of the rumors that are likely flying around since no one's heard from me. The completion of our new home nears quickly as does my nervousness.