November // n.h

Prologue: Dreams

P R O L O G U E
dreams

Do you ever just close your eyes and feel your world crumbling down? The ground beneath your feet shifting apart and there is nothing that you could do to stop from falling down into the deep core. Well, that's what I feel. And that happens every night. Each night I lay down on my bed, scared that I will wake up in the night, with tears in my eyes.

I try so hard, to tell myself that everything will be okay in the end; that I just need one more night and then this nightmare will be over but I can't do this anymore. I can't lie to myself and pretend like I'm feeling alright. Eventually, people will notice the bags under my eyes, 'cause they are harder and harder to mask with each day.

Running away from all my fears isn't the right solution but for now, it's the best I can think of. And when my head is laid down on my pillow, I don't feel peaceful. All of the thoughts, memories and those flashbacks come crushing at me like a tsunami, ready to swipe me off my feet and carry me further inland just to drag me back into the deeper water. My lungs are filled with water and all that I can think of is that I am going to drown. Terrible pictures come into my head. And as I gasp for air, as I reach out my hand to grab something and try to swim up to finally breathe, the light disappears and the darkness takes over me. Swallowing my unconscious body deeper and deeper into the nothingness.

Then I wake up. Tears streaming down my face and as I wipe them off new ones find their way to escape so I end up brushing my cheek for a couple of times until the both of them are sour red. The nightmares come at night, when I am unaware. All of them drag me down into the deep ocean just before I can pull myself back together. They're hurting me. Hitting my soft spot when I don't expect it.

Last night was no different, I believe. The same scream filling my ears, making me flinch and ache. The fire warming up my face, blinding me. But when I felt a hand on my shoulder, pulling me away from the burning car, I turned and noticed someone different. A blond bloke that has never been in my dreams.

He was facing me, not breaking the eye contact, until someone managed to stand in front of me. The bloke was mouthing something to me although I couldn't understand what was it. All that I saw was his mouth moving, no sound leaving. Maybe the lad was standing away from me but that clearly didn't mean he wasn't speaking. He could have actually been mouthing something without a noise.

And that's exactly what took me aback. He was the first person ever, to mouth something to me in my own dreams. Normally people just walked by me, not even taking a glance of myself. But he was different. Not just because he looked at me and tried to communicate, but because he was there for the first time and I know, that dreams are either memories or hints to what can happen soon.

In the morning, in front of my parents, I acted quietly. Maybe I was quieter then before because they both noticed and started asking questions alternately. My head was spinning with each word and honestly, I didn't know what to do. The only thing that I was able to think of was walking out of the kitchen to then run out of the house. But these were my thoughts and I knew that my dad would go looking for me and after he'd find me; my mum would be crying and when the two of us would come back, it'd be worse. So I just decided to stay and make up lies.

More and more lies that were probably affecting them like knifes in their chests. Maybe they had no idea about those lies, even if, I would never hear a word from them about their worries towards my behaviours. And I wasn't going to lose them. I wasn't going to lose two more people.

To be completely honest, the only person that knows about those nightmares, the only person that actually accepts my mood swings is Nina. She knows what happened in my life and she is the one that spent her nights over at my house because of my cries and those nightmares. Yes, they have been visiting me for a couple of months now.

I place the empty cup in the sink and lean on the counter for a couple of seconds, clearing the thoughts that have been rushing into my head. A sigh leaves my mouth and I grab my broken soul off the floor, to just leave the house and the walls that remind me about everything.

The first place that comes to my head is the beach. It's just a ten minute walk from my house and a little bit of exercise isn't going to harm me. The waves crashing among the shore; the wind whispering in your ear along with the sea. Actually, the atmosphere there is perfect. Even the month doesn't bother, too.

November isn't the best month to visit the beach if you actually want a tan, because there's no sun. But I am not going to tan there. I am going to think; take a moment and breathe in the refreshing breeze coming from the sea.