November // n.h

xxii.

               T W E N T Y  -  T W O

Your first love, isn’t always the first person you kiss, or the first person you date. Your first love is the person you will always compare everyone to. The person that you will never truly get over, even when you’ve convinced yourself that you have moved on.

And maybe Niall isn’t my first love, maybe Danny was my first love. Nevertheless, I want him to be my last. I want to stay by his side until the very end; lie down next to him just like now and cuddle, have small talks and share laughs. I want him to crack a joke, and even if only he would understand it and laugh, I would laugh too – simply ‘cos his laughter is contagious.

I need to show him that I care. I need to show Niall that he means something - that is unexplainable - to me. A something that is overwhelming but also exciting and I want to feel more of it. As he takes my left hand and intertwines our fingers, I look up into his eyes and I swear, I could get lost in them in a matter of moments.

Lightly, with my right hand, I trace along his jaw line as a small smile forms on my lips. My eyes, attached to Niall’s, whilst he’s focused on my fingers a small crease forms on his forehead. Gently holding his chin, I address his face in my direction and place a soft kiss on his lips.

For quite a while, I couldn’t remember how it felt to have a person care for me; the proximity of another person and whilst I’m lying next to Niall, not worrying about the world, I am enjoying myself.

I enjoy how close we’ve become and that the only thing surrounding us is the radio but not our talks and we don’t mind that, as long as we’re together.

“Beautiful.” Niall murmurs against my lips and I can feel the smile forming on his.

“What’s beautiful?” I whisper the question before his lips, with my eyes still closed.

“You are beautiful.”

Something in his voice felt unusual. Niall has never used such a tone towards me. The one where his voice is both soft and soothing, but also deadly honest and while he says those words to me, I open my eyes and look right into his without a single word – unsure of what to say.

I take notice of the perfect smile, plastered across his face, reaching towards his eyes and as much as I want to smile myself, I am unable to. Something is stopping me from returning the smile towards the blond boy whom I care about the most.

You could call it fear, but I knew better. It was doubt that was taking over my mind. I have been called beautiful before, by my parents, by Nina, by Danny, yet they were the people that knew me my whole life; whilst Niall was in my life only for the past few weeks.

He didn’t know me perfectly well, he knew a part of me, three quarters but not all of me. Not yet. Nevertheless he called me beautiful and the honesty was clear in his eyes.

I take a look at our intertwined fingers and that feeling at the pit of my stomach, the one that makes me feel as if I had a thousand cowboys dancing in sync inside of me, comes back and only then I smile.

Niall just called me beautiful when all that he is to me is beautiful.

My eyes travel towards his and when our eyes meet, the smile on my face increases and it makes me feel almost as if my face would be torn apart into two parts, if I wouldn’t stop smiling. But I don’t. I want to make sure that Niall understands that I am taking him seriously, that I wont run away this time because for once in such a long time, I feel secure.

“You know,” I begin, looking down at our hands “I didn’t expect this to turn out in such a way.”

“What do you mean?” Niall wonders, confusion clear in his voice.

“I mean us, Niall.” I answer him slowly looking upwards. His eyebrows furrow and that little crease forms on his forehead once again. I giggle, which doesn’t happen at all, “You caught me, Niall Horan.”

Niall lets out a chuckle and leaves a soft kiss on my forehead. And as simple as that, we lie on the bed, Niall holding me tightly and the radio in the background playing softly. This moment was far more than perfect.

It all felt unreal to me. Almost as if I was living in a bubble for the past weeks but as soon as Niall would go back to London, the bubble would burst and I’d hit the ground and hurt myself. Yet right now I am focusing on the moment.

I’ve got Niall beside me, his head is resting right against mine; and his steady breathing, calming me down. His chest slowly rising up and down, soothing my thoughts and wonders.

Some would call it a magical moment but there is nothing that this moment could be compared to. Simply then, one of my favourite songs come on, ‘Iris’ by Goo Goo Dolls, and I close my eyes, smiling to myself. To me, the moment is now magical.

Our legs tangled together; our bodies against each other and I can’t help but wonder if Niall feels the same thing as I do. If his warm and huge heart is feeling happy? Does he want to stay like this forever? I’d love to lie down with him like this for eternity and a day.

“And I don’t want the world to see me, ‘cos I don’t think that they’d understand.” He sings quietly in my ear and I close my eyes under the influence of his voice. A shiver runs down my spine as he lets the words flow out of his mouth, “When everything’s made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.”

I feel myself slowly drifting between reality and fantasy but before that happens I have the ability to wonder if that line connects to what is between me and Niall. Somehow, it does.

It’s like Niall and I are supposed to be together but his fans will surely be against that. They will try everything to separate us, yet I’m the one who will know Niall like no one else. I will be the one who will talk to him through the phone.

Sounds rude and selfish but I feel something so strong towards him that I will do anything to be close to him; to hold him tight and not let go, no matter the strength left in my hands. I can’t lose him; I don’t want to lose him.

And as he places kisses down my temple to my jaw line, I can feel that Niall feels the same; he holds my hand a little tighter, almost as if I’ll disappear in a moment and leave him behind. Funny, because that is my exact fear. 

“We’ll figure something out, I promise.” He whispers and I am in awe. He answered my thoughts without knowing what I’ve been thinking of.

“Pinky promise?” I ask, looking at him pointing my small finger at him. And as he puts his small finger against mine, shaking them both together in agreement, the most cheerful smile – never seen by me before – forms on his face.

My eyes locked with his, I smile to myself and under the influence of the moment I kiss him. You could call it a small peck but to me, it was something that left Niall wanting more. Because when I looked back at him, he had his eyes closed but lips curved in a pout.

Uncontrollably I let out a laugh and Niall suddenly opens his eyes, a little shocked.

“What’s so funny?” He asks a little shocked.

“Your expression.” I answer him simply, holding back more fits of laughter. Maybe his expression wasn’t as funny as it seemed to me, but Niall had the look of a small child that was close to crying because someone took his lollipop.

“Spend new years with me, in London, please?” he requests and I feel my heart stopping.

In London. A completely unknown city to me, far away from my parents, Nina. But then I’d be with Niall. And he won’t leave me be; he’d be with me all the time. How do I know that? Simple, it’s Niall. He clearly does care about me and I know how I feel about him.

It’s the fear of me going through an airport by myself, most probably getting lost and not getting on time to the gates that lead to the plane. Niall will be in London before new years so it’s clear that I’ll have to travel alone.

“Please.” He looks at me and I give in. It’s Niall that does this thing to me, he makes me take everything so easily and without a worry, that I stop thinking about what might happen and just give in the moment. If I want to keep him close, I need to take risks. I need to get out of my comfort zone and see if I like it out there or not.

Spending new years with him in London was a perfect opportunity.