November // n.h

xxi.

               T W E N T Y  -  O N E

My heart is pounding in my chest as I walk through the hallway, up the stairs and to the doors. The fear, running through my veins, pumping up the adrenaline that has been sitting on the inside of me; at the bottom of my heart. And as I knock on the door, everything surrounding me stops, each little noise that has been filling my ears mutes down completely until the door opens right in front of me.

And I stand there, astonished, with my feet attached to the ground and my eyes attached to him; and for the first time in my life, I am not sure of what I’m supposed to do. I am not sure, if I should say something, or simply smile at him and wait for Niall to speak.

Though as I look away from his eyes, onto his lips, I can see a smile, forming ever so slowly and suddenly I can feel myself smiling. And in an instance, I feel this warm fuzzy feeling in the pit of my stomach. With a beaming smile I speak, “Hi.”

Niall smiles back at me and under a breath, he murmurs a small ‘hello’, letting me inside the room. For a moment, I stand in the door way, simply looking into his eyes but somehow, after a moment of this little ‘eye contest’, Niall looks down and takes a small step back letting me walk further inside.

I hear the door closing behind me and a smile tugs onto my lips once more. With a few steps forward, I find myself right in front of the bed, so without further thought I sit down.

It’s surprising how comfortable I am around Niall. I have never looked at it this way, maybe I was too caught up in my previous world, the world that involved only Danny and Nina but now, Niall has made his way inside my little world, making it a little brighter after I lost Danny.

And now, just looking at him gave me this amazing feeling that I can’t even begin to explain. It’s overwhelming and somehow, I have never felt it before, not even with Danny. Yet it’s also scary. How is it possible, that after all the years of me knowing Danny, I have never felt such a thing?

It’s like, wrapping yourself in a thick blanket on a cold autumn evening, just to then take a hot cup of tea from the table. Or the feeling of waking up on a Christmas morning just to find a mountain of presents but also snow outside the windows. It’s an indescribable feeling at the pit of my stomach, not only when he’s in my sight but also at the thought of him.

“How is it that you are paying for this kind of a room, when you could actually be in a five star hotel right now?”

Niall looks startled. I caught him off guard, for the first time since the two of us have been speaking and I can’t help but give myself a pat on the back in my head. Niall has always been the one getting me off guard, making me feel awkward.

“Umm,” he starts, “This reminds me somehow of home. Like, welcoming and cosy kind. To be completely honest with you, hotels overwhelm me.”

I nod my head, my eyes still connected to his. And as he sits down beside me, I try to figure out what he means. Maybe it’s the fact that everything inside a big hotel room looks on point, probably. I have never been to an actual five star hotel, but I’ve seen many pictures and videos. Actually, that would overwhelm me, too.

“Why did you leave so quickly that morning?”

And this is what I meant – Niall surprising me with a question about something that has happened a couple of days ago. Within seconds, I try to think of a good enough answer, something that might calm down his thoughts but nothing comes into my mind. So I just decide to say the truth, “I was scared.”

Niall looks down for a moment, almost as if he is trying to figure out the right question to ask me, but I am not aiming to talk about that morning. I was scared, simple as that. I needed to get out, back then, I couldn’t see myself falling for him. I wasn’t able to let myself fall for him but now, when I am clearly aware that my feelings are not temporary, I have to take some steps.