November // n.h

xv.

               F I F T E E N

I am not aware of how many hours have passed. It seems as if the time has stopped and there was nothing surrounding me. Nothing, but empty space filled with the colour white. Tightly holding my legs, sobs escape my lips followed by tears, slowly rolling down my numb cheeks.

Footsteps are clearly heard in the distance and all that I can think about is burying myself underground and not coming out. I have never felt so small, so vulnerable than in this moment. How is it possible that one kiss can change everything?

I hear my name, being called again and again. The voice unclear for me to recognise the person walking towards me. More and more words that my mind simply can't register, allowing me to only think of staying in this very place and not moving from it until Niall leaves Old Grimsby.

All that I can take notice off, are the dull walls of an empty dark room and footsteps which seem to get louder and louder until a person stands in the doorway. Their presence accompanied by bright hair and a light, cheerful aura that seemed too bright for my eyes, causing me to close them in an instance.

She sits beside me, places her head on my arm and starts saying words that make no sense to me at all. I understand the names Niall and Danny, but there's something odd in her voice. Something that I have never heard before, something that we haven't spoken about yet I understand.

"Eve," I understand my name clearly. I open my eyes and turn towards the ginger haired girl who happens to be looking at me already. "I know it's difficult to let go of someone, especially when you haven't said goodbye to each other, but he'd want you to move on. You know that, don't you?"

I shake my head, tightening the grip around my legs, trying to focus on my fingers rather than thinking of Danny. Nina knew only a part of the story, not every little detail. She hasn't got a clue about me and Danny sneaking out in the middle of the night, driving to the highest part of the island and just enjoying the silence. She doesn't know about Danny sneaking a bottle into my room at midnight on my eighteenth birthday just so it could be only the two of us celebrating.

"Danny would want that, Eve." Nina urges me. Maybe they haven't spoken often, it was rare occasions when Danny and Nina exchanged sentences with each other just because I was around, but somehow, they happened to think alike. "You have to move on." She speaks again sitting up.

How can I possibly leave it all behind, when all that I can hear is his laughter and his voice that have been in my mind for a while? I can't. I can't just forget the argument, just before he slammed my doors and drove off; I can't forget the stupid explanations that left my mouth, the pointless thoughts that turned out to be far from true. How can I forget the phone call, that I received during that night and the tears that kept on streaming down my cheeks?

"Nina," I start a mere whisper. "It's all my fault."

"You can't keep on blaming yourself, Eve. It is not your fault." She tells me, finishing the topic of Danny, with the hope that I'll move on eventually. Yet I can't. It's difficult to just forget someone that you have known since kindergarten. "You need to talk to Niall."

Niall. One person who had the ability to walk into my life and twist it around within a second. I still wonder, how was it possible for me to agree on spending time with him without further worries; what has he done to earn such trust from me to know all my deepest thoughts and wonders. All that he was to the world, was a puzzle piece that belonged to a bigger picture that I didn't happen to be in. All that he ever was to me, was someone who I could trust and talk to without a worry.

"I can't talk to him now." I answer after a while, my voice sounding unfamiliar. It was almost as if someone else has spoken instead of myself. "I'm not ready to." Is all that I can add, just before I stand up. Nina tries to say something but I shake my head, so that she'll understand. And when she does, we both walk out heading home.

For a while, we walk in silence. I can hear Nina opening her mouth but no words are said. The tension between us uncomfortable; my mind telling me to speak, say something to ease everything but no words wanting to leave my mouth. I was mixed up, stuck in the middle with a small fire of hope inside of me that someday, I will pick myself up and finally move on with a smile.

When I walk through the door, a thousand questions flood me and most of them involve the name 'Niall'. It is rather difficult to keep him out of my mind when even my parents wonder how he is. In fact, it is ridiculous how they ask me if Niall is with me, even though I haven't been home the whole day.

I don't answer them, though. My feet lead me straight to my bedroom and within a moment, my head is placed on the pillow as I close my eyes to drift off to sleep. That night, it all came back. The nightmares came back and in the morning I couldn't figure out why they remembered about me just now. After the breakfast, which involved countless wondering, I left for school and everything started to seem like a blur, everyone rushing; laughing; talking, while I walk past them with earphones in my ears just so I can vanish from the real world.

During lunch time, Nina tried talking to me, telling me to call him and apologise for running away. I haven't done so, but I should. Yet why can't I force myself to pick out his number and simply ask for a meeting, to just apologise? When Niall kissed me the day before, I felt like I was doing something wrong. He is in a boy band, a boy band that is as big as never before and everyone knows who they are.

How was it possible, that I existed in his world? That is what I took notice of - Niall allowing me into his own world and letting me know all of his secrets and wonders. It was something more than charming, I could say, but I have never been the right person for him.

Niall was too good, too polite for me. Accepting every mistake that I have made was something that only the blonde was possible to do. It was nice, to know that someone hasn't got the ability to judge me but also it was overwhelming that such a superstar preferred to spend time with me rather than relaxing in some calmer place, where they could be alone at least for a little while. Yet he chose me over loneliness and silence.

Later that day, I hear a knock on the door and I can't help but feel startled. Sitting home alone has appeared as something normal, since my parents have had more and more work with each day. My mind telling me that it is Niall, knocking on the door but I push that as far as possible. I try not to listen because all of the wild things in my stomach start twisting and turning, also not allowing me to breathe.

The disappointment appears on my face when I notice Nina on the front porch. It all felt ridiculous, though, how all my muscles tensed up at the thought of Niall appearing in front of my doors, wanting to come in and sort things out. But it won't happen; Niall hasn't even messaged me since that day.

I take a deep breath and slowly open the doors, faking a smile and letting Nina in. I notice a familiar, slim box in her hand and I can't help but wonder if it is the vinyl for me. It, most probably, is because why else would she come to my house with it?

"Niall came into the music store last night." She starts, sitting herself comfortably on the large couch in my living room. The ginger haired girl brings her knees close to her chest, places the box beside her and wraps her arms around her legs. "He told me to give you this." Is all that leaves her mouth while she wonders off with a frown forming on her forehead.

"He left this for me?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure it is for me?" I ask, trying to figure out why Niall was able to leave something that seemed so important to him. "It's impossible that he left it for me."

"Am I speaking Chinese?" Nina asks a little irritated, looking up with the frown clear on her face. All that I can do is raise my hands up in surrender and sit in silence as the both of us stare at the paper box. The first one to break the silence is Nina, saying only three words. "Take it, Eve."

I take the box not feeling happy at all. I have always wanted this vinyl, yet this time, it doesn't feel right. It might have been better if Niall gave it to me himself but for a reason, he sent Nina to pass it on to me. How childish of him? He used my best friend instead of walking over to my house himself.

I look at my best friend and say shortly, "I will."