November // n.h

xiv.

               F O U R T E E N

Silence was all that existed between us in this very moment. Niall has taken me out for a walk because he wanted to talk with me, I even know about what, but he hasn’t said a single word since we left the store. His eyes focused on his shoes and I found it irritating that while he’s staring at his footwear, I am going out of my mind.

Maybe he is waiting for me to start? But then, why would he ask me if we could talk? Suddenly, something comes to my mind and I try to push it away, hoping that it won’t be the truth. The thought of Niall leaving wasn’t the brightest thought in my head at the moment. It is not supposed to be there, either.

Walking for another moment of silence, a wind passes us by brushing against my skin, dragging my hair behind, making me shiver. Niall, who suddenly remembers about my presence beside him, notices it and looks at me. “Are you cold?” He asks, unzipping his jumper.

Shaking my head vigorously, I stop and wrap myself a little with my own arms, just by crossing them over my chest. “You wanted to talk.” I start uncomfortably shifting a little, trying to keep warm in any possible way. Just to notice that I proved myself wrong in front of Niall, by trying to sound confident and sure, as a sudden shiver ran down my spine. Way to go!

“I can see that you are.” Niall points to my arms and I look down at them for a moment. Hugging myself tightly seemed to be the only thing that I had the possibility to do. Words unable to leave my mouth, afraid of what they might lead to.

Something, keeping my mind away from the conversation just so I won’t hear the words that Niall will probably mention at a point. It’s unpredictable and even though we met just two weeks ago, the thought of not receiving a text from him during the day is upsetting.

I look back up at him just to see that he is already looking at me, not even blinking once. In that moment, everything stops, nothing matters and all that I can feel is the cold air surrounding the two of us. Two people, who can’t seem to figure out how it will all end.

Two separate souls, trying to find their ways in life and make everything work out. No matter how hard one tries to walk away, the other one keeps on following, walking beside to make sure that it isn’t forgotten. And maybe that’s why I had the ability to get to know the blond in front of me? Maybe he wanted a person in his life, who would have the ability to understand him in any way.

“Eve,” he starts almost a whisper, “what if I do leave this week?” He asks me something that I have been trying to avoid as much as possible. “It’s not like I expect us to talk, but I would like to know if we’d keep contact.”

I open my mouth, to answer him, yet nothing comes out. No word leaves my mouth and the twisting and the turning in my stomach doesn’t help even a tiny bit. Wording my feelings – the feelings that I am not sure of myself – is more difficult than I could’ve ever thought it would be.

“Niall, I-I just-“ I stop, not knowing what is there to say. I let go of my arms, and start playing with my fingers for the first time in a while. The insecurity of wording my possible feelings for Niall taking over me completely. I can’t be feeling this way. It’s impossible and unacceptable.

Yet why, do I keep on ending up in the same place? Beside Niall, talking to him and sharing the smallest secrets and dreams in life. How is it possible, that within those two weeks Niall has heard more about me, than I have heard about him?

The little things that I have learnt about him, is from watching him carefully myself, without listening to his family stories or personal memories. Small things as when he drinks a cup of coffee, he holds the mug in both hands tightly; or when he eats, no crumbs fall to the floor but to the small plate; or maybe when he listens carefully and over thinks, a small crease forms on his forehead showing me that he is listening.