I am SAD

Thoughts I write down when I'm upset

2015 - 07 - 20

I feel like shit! Seriously! I feel like bagging my head on the wall until I bleed to death! I feel like making myself bleed until there is no blood left for me to survive! I feel like the worst person in the world! I feel like an ungrateful person! I feel like crying my heart out - literally! I feel like shooting myself in the head! I feel terrible!

Why do I have to be the outsider? Why do I have to be the one with the different and weird logic? Why does everybody say it's... I'm stupid? To me it seems logical but yet, they say it's not. Or maybe it really isn't. Maybe it's me that's stupid and my logic too. Sometimes I think it would be easier for everyone if I didn't live, if I wasn't part of the family. But I just have a logic that they don't understand and maybe some day someone will.

2015 - 08 - 17

I'm clumsy. So clumsy I can't touch anything, not even a blinder. I talk so loud, I can't talk or laugh. I'm so open with my opinion, I can't say it. I can't say anything, do anything without being criticised or told off. They even talk about what they hate about me when I'm just next to them. If I was deaf or blind maybe I wouldn't have so many unwanted flaws. Maybe I should change and do whatever they want. I should build a wall so I don't get hurt all the time.

Maybe I was a mistake. Maybe God gave me life by mistake. Maybe that's why I'm such full of faults. Maybe I wasn't meant to live. Maybe I'm better off dead. Maybe the world is better off with me dead. Maybe I should die. And maybe someday, I'll become so perfect I'll be the envy of everyone. Maybe I'll have so many qualities there'll be no time to criticise me or hate something about me. And maybe I'm just hanging onto a long lost dream.

2015 - 09 - 03

I'm always the one who does everything wrong. The one who can't do anything right. The one who's always blamed for stupid things I haven't done. I never have a good conclusion or stuff. I can't do anything or I'll brake it. When I say or do something right, it's always not me. Always someone else. Why do I feel like a bag of shit? Maybe I am one. Why do I feel like I can't do anything right? I'm just a screw up. I should just shut up and die.

2015 - 11 - 06

Why do you always have to take it out on me? Am I really that bad? Am I really so annoying, frustrating, stupid as that? Do I really get on people's nerves? Do I really talk too much? Do I really talk too much about my opinion on stuff? Isn't it important, knowing how your own sister feels about a subject? Don't you want to know what I think about? Or is it what comes out of my mouth just shit? Don't you think I'm right, if only once? Don't you want to hear me out?

I may have SAD. I've done some tests on the internet and they say that I do. I can't talk about it. I can't talk about it to anyone, but I want to. I think it's because I don't want to be criticised as always. I don't want to look like a stupid girl. And I think it started because of my getting criticised and ignored and other stuff. I think I created my own fear.

2015 - 12 - 29

I wish someone could understand me. I wish someone was here right now to tell me "cry on my shoulder". I wish I could be understood by someone. I'm always criticised. Everything's wrong about me. I'm wrong. Please let there be a person for me. Let that person tell me I'm great. Funny. Beautiful. Perfect. Please. I wish I could run into someone's arms and cry. I wish I could be open to someone. I wish someone would know how it feels to be... Nothing.

I'm worthless. Hopeless. Ugly. Stupid. Dumb. Shit. I'm everything no one wants to be.

2016 - 01 - 20

I used to think I was the stupid one. I was the one who want being logic. The one who just assumed things. The one who doesn't think before she speaks. The one who can't do anything. The one who is too dumb! But what if I'm wrong? What if they're wrong? I mean.. I am logic. It's called probability or life or change or something that is not stupid! I am not stupid. I don't just assume things. I usually am right just not confident enough. And I think freaking 10 times more than you will ever do!

But that's just me trying to make myself feel better even though it makes me feel worse because I know it's not true.

2016 - 01 - 24

I have tried to be so perfect. I have tried to be the most perfect one but it is not possible. I can't do it. I have too many flaws. I have no qualities. I am made of flaws and wrong things and I can't do anything right. I can't do or say something without being criticised. I can't do or say something without it being wrong or horrible.

2016 - 04 - 19

I have social anxiety disorder and I have depression. I'm not Ok. I don't know if I'll ever be. I can't tell anyone. I'm failing in everything. At school. At home. This is destroying me.