2017 - 09 - 25
What do you want me to say? That I feel like dying most of the days. That I've been depressed for 3 years now. That i have social anxiety disorder and it's killing me. That you haven't noticed one thing for 3 years. Maybe it's you that don't see what's going on in front of your eyes? Or perhaps I'm just good at hiding. But I'm not. Because I told a friend. And he said he saw the sadness in my eyes. The not so honest smiles. The discomfort... But you haven't seen anything. Not one single thing. Now what am I suppose to say? What do you want me to tell you? I feel so lonely even though I'm not alone, I feel so sad even though I can laugh at jokes, I feel so scared and uncomfortable when I leave the house and even inside my own home. I don't feel like myself, I don't understand myself anymore. I don't know myself, I feel uncomfortable in my own body and mind. I'm can't stop the thoughts, they're destroying my mind, my already none existent self-esteem and confidence. I'm overly aware of my surroundings and of myself, my body, my thighs, my muscles - that I don't have -, my face, my lips, my breasts, my fingers... My mind, my thoughts - unwanted, hurricane-like, bad, deadly, tear worthy (...) thoughts - ... I'm not well, haven't been for a while. I cry every night, when I go to bed. I feel worthless. Hopeless. Loveless. Useless. Beautyless. Esteemless... I'm suffering. I need help. Why can't you see it. Please, just look into my eyes. Look at me. You will see my pain. I need you to see it. I'm breaking down. I will break. I feel so weak. So broken. So hurt. I need help but I'm so scared. I have no one, no one knows except one friend, and he doesn't even live close by. I think of my death or suicide at least every two days. I won't do it, yet... But I'm hurting and I can't hold on for long. So please. Please see my pain. See beneath my brown eyes and my big smile. See beneath the laughs and the giggles. See beneath the facade I have to create to survive. I've been so much worst for the passed few weeks, and it isn't getting any better. I don't know if I can survive anymore.
17 - 10 - 2017
My smiles don't represent my joy of life,
Bur rather a cry for help,
For my soul was looking at a knife
While my heart yelped.
17 - 10 - 2017
My tears aren't of joy,
But rather a sign that I am breaking down,
Not because of a boy,
But because my temple is burnt down.
17 - 10 - 2017
While you look into my eyes,
I am trying to hide the pain;
But you saw through the lies,
But now I feel like my efforts of reaching out were in vain.
17 - 10 - 2017
I'm not as cold hearted as you think,
I cry when no one is looking,
But while you see no heart,
I'm dying slowly, over and over and over again.
17 - 10 - 2017
I might be smiling,
But deep down I'm crying,
And I wish you would see the hurt,
Instead of me crawling in the dirt.
(Surviving, barely)
17 - 10 - 2017
My lips say I'm happy,
My heart says I'm not,
Which one to believe?
The lips, of course.
17 - 10 - 2017
Most days, I feel everything,
But some, nothing at all.
Which is best?
Feeling the bullet in your head,
Or the numbness before you leave?
Most days, I think I can make it,
But some days, I see the truth.
03 - 12 - 2017
No, I don't want to die, but somehow it feels like death would be better than life.
03 - 12 - 2017
I didn't think it would be this hard, loving someone who doesn't love me back. Or simply thinking I love that person but I'm not sure because I'm depressed so I don't know. It's hard seeing him happy about his new dates and his new interest. And I want him to be happy, but at the same time, I want it to be me that makes him happy. But I know it won't ever be possible, because he's he and I'm me, the broken girl no one thinks about.
I wish it wasn't like that, I wish I didn't love him, didn't care for him. I wish he didn't make me messier than I already am, more confused than I already am. I wish he didn't put butterflies into my stomach or allover my body for a matter of fact. I wish it wasn't so complicated. I wish he would love me the way I love him, and yet I wish I didn't love him at all. I wish either one or the other, as long as it makes me better.
01 - 02 - 2018
I want it all to end, the pain, the hurt... It's too much, everything is just too much. Maybe it would be easier if I had someone there to help me, but I don't.
I wish you would ask me how I am doing, but you don't.
I hope you see my pain, but you never do.
I wish you were there to help me, but you never are.
Sometimes I just wish you cared enough to see my pain, but you don't.
You tell me I am your friend - a really good one at that -, that you love me as a friend,... But most of the time, it's not enough.
Open your eyes and tell me this: why is it that when I told you my pain, you just looked away?
Tell me this: why can't I be, just for once, someone's sum?
Tell me this: why don't you ask me how I am truly doing and see the pain from which I am suffering?
I'm fine doesn't always mean that I am well. I am scared most of the time, and I won't say anything unless you ask. If I tell you I am fine, really it means that I want you to pay attention to the way my smile ends up crooked because it is forced, to the way my eyes always seem to glisten from the tears unshed, to the way my voice crackles when I tell you I am doing great.
20 - 02 - 2018
I wish some day I'll break.
I wish some day I'll break hard enough for me to not care whether I will hurt the ones I love or not.
I wish some day I'll break loud enough for people to notice.
I wish some day I'll break hard enough to die.
I just wish the pain would stop.
I wish someone would make it stop.
I wish I'd just die, be in peace just for once.
15 - 07 - 2018
Tell me it will be ok. Just once, please just tell me it will be fine. Even just for one day, I beg you to tell me that it will be alright.
27 - 07 - 2018
Tear stained cheeks,
Watery eyes,
Quickening heartbeats,
And a smile full of lies.
27 - 07 - 2018
With a smile on my lips, I tell myself it will be alright.
With glistening eyes, I tell myself to be strong.
With tear stained cheeks, I tell myself to carry on.
But with a pain-full heart, all I can do is wish that I would die.
15 - 08 - 2018
I wish you were there for me.
I wish you cared.
I wish you worried about me, thought about me.
I just need you to see, please.
I always find myself hovering over my phone's keyboard, my text messages with you on the screen.
I always find myself debating on whether I should tell you or not, but then always remember that you don't care.
That I've told you once, and you simply looked the other way.
What good would it bring me, telling you, and then you just pretending like everything's ok, like I'm ok?
So I won't text you, no matter how much I want to.
And I won't talk about it, because you don't want to.
But if I pretend to be ok, it won't be because I don't want you to know.
It will be because you don't care.
25 - 10 - 2018
I wish - when I told them how I want to die - that someone would hold me close and tell it's ok. That my family and friends will be ok without me. That they won't blame themselves for my pain.
I wish - when I told them how badly it hurts - that someone would hold me close, and tell me it's ok to die.
27 - 12 - 2018
If I could die today, I would gladly take the offer.
YOU ARE READING
I am SAD
Poesia"Learning I had Social Anxiety Disorder was hard and terrifying. Knowing I have depression too is killing me." __________________ Random stuff I write when no one is looking... I'm 20 and I have social anxiety disorder and depression...
