I am SAD

Message to my friend

Hey! Long time no see... New update ^^

I feel like I don't know myself anymore, like I don't love anymore, I'm scared of everything, I can't talk to someone, and it might not seem that bad but I assure you, it is. I feel like I won't cope one day, that I'll be isolated - alone - and the only way to get out of this suffering would be to kill myself... Smiling is the only way for me to show people that I am still trying, still trying to live, but I feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is nothing,... I feel like the end of the tunnel is the end, my end, the end of my life... I don't know what to do, really... I feel like I'm going to die everytime I approach someone that I don't really know or that someone approaches me; I feel like my heart is exploding, I feel like I am drowning in my own sweat (I know it's not that pleasant to know), my voice will break, I want to cry, I want it to stop, and I can't take it anymore. I need someone to help me, I need... I need someone to know. To hide everything, not say anything, keep quiet, it's no longer enough, and it's when I don't see anyone that I realise how bad I feel... I can laugh and smile, but deep down, I cry and I scream... In pain and suffering... You have no idea how scared I am of being judged, criticized, embarrassed, humiliated... That's what makes me scared of everything, I am scared of people's opinions and their thoughts, but also mine... So here it is, I wanted you to know because I trust you and I feel close to you. I know it's selfish of me to do so, you don't need to know that I suffer of social phobia and depression, and that I sometimes think about suicide... It's not cool, I know, but tears fall down my cheeks more often, it's awful and I feel like I have no one by my side...

So I've told you everything. I needed someone to know, someone to talk to and you were the only one I thought of. I can't talk to my family, they would feel so hurt and I don't want to cause them any pain. And I don't want you to hurt either, but I know that you will understand.

I don't know who I am anymore. Am I the smiling, happy, joyful and love-full girl who sits right before your eyes? Or am I the suffering, the hurt that I feel? The misery? The tears? The cries? ...

I'm confused, I don't know who I am anymore, my goal, my life...

Am I the joy, the laughs? Or am I perhaps the sadness, the cries?

It's confusing me, destroying me. I'm dying in the inside, but the outside wants to live. Death is my thoughts, but my body is young and alive. I don't understand. I want it to end, all of it, but nothing is ever ended. I want my lungs to stop breathing, my heart to stop beating and my brain thinking, but my body hasn't lost hope yet. I want my body to stop fighting for my life, but it's wondering: who will fight for me after? Who will stop me from going over that line seperating life from death.

That's when I realised that I am lonely and alone because nobody knows what I really feel and no one will notice how badly I'm hurting.

So this is my message to you, I'm sorry for destroying your image of me, but I needed you to know so desperately. And I'm glad you do.