I am SAD

Pain and Loneliness

I tend to ask silly questions. Well... I don't think they are actually stupid, but they probably are. Everyone says so. I'm just looking for an explanation, I just want you to answer it simply, without saying how stupid I sound. Without telling me to think for just one second and to not talk anymore. I'm sorry I get on your nerves, I'm sorry I piss you off. I never meant to. I tend to do have those annoying habits, like OCD but it isn't. I like having stuff the way I like them to be, and I know life doesn't work like that, but it's like I need to have it the way I like. I'm not anxious about it, I just need to do what I think is right to me, what feels right to me. So stop saying I do have OCD because I don't. I don't mind it, but when you start getting angry and you start doing the contrary of what I'd like it to be just to piss me off, then I mind. When you start talking about all my little habits, how I do this and that, then I mind. I tend to speak loudly. At least, that's what they say. I personally don't think I speak that loudly, but then again, I don't know much. I tend to repeat myself a lot, like 5 times or more, until someone answers me. Until someone listens to me and not just looks at me, pretending to listen. Because I just need to know that someone is listening to me when I talk. Because I think it might be interesting. Because... I tend to ask people to repeat things a lot. I'm listening, I just don't hear you. Either there's noise in the background, or something to distract me, or you're not talking loud enough, or articulating enough. Either way, I tend to ask people to repeat over 4 times. When I ask you to repeat something, I know it's annoying, but please try and say the whole thing not just half a sentence because I won't understand, or just please try and make an effort to speak better and louder because I want to hear what you're saying. It might be interesting. I want to listen to you. Don't go telling me "forget it" or something. I don't want to forget about it. I want to know. I have trouble concentrating, but you don't seem to notice. I'm also certain I have a below average IQ. That would probably explain everything or most of it. I tend to break things a lot or to drop things a lot. I'm clumsy, they all say. I don't seem that clumsy, do I? I drop a glass and you yell at me instead of asking me if I'm ok. I'm scared of touching someone else's things in case I drop or break it. I don't want to hold something fragile. I don't trust myself anymore...

All those things contribute to my low self-esteem. And it hurts hell of a lot. You tell me I'm stupid. You tell me I'm clumsy. I'm annoying. Irritating... You have no idea I cry over this and how many times I stop myself from crying everytime you day those things. It hurts so bad, but you don't see.

You say I'm shy and antisocial but you have no idea I actually have social anxiety disorder. And being antisocial literally means being a sociopath. Which most of those who use the word aren't. Look it up. I'm of lying. Also... How can someone be so shy? I don't like talking to people. I told you. You don't get it. I don't like saying help. I told you. You don't get it either. You day if I don't want to be alone and left out, I musn't look so shy and so isolated. The thing is, I'm scared of being criticized and judged and rejected and embarrassed and... You don't know how it is to have social phobia. I do. It's awful. You don't know I have it. You can't even see I have depression. Sure, I smile and laugh a lot. But I think a lot. Like how I might die someday. How the world would be better without me. Like which technique I'd like best to kill myself. But I can't even do that, because I'm scared of being criticized and judged and rejected. I think about how people don't like me and all the low self esteem issues people have. You don't know how it hurts to be depressed, to have social phobia, to simply be hurt. I'm not motivated to do anything anymore. Not even what I love doing the most. I don't even know what I love anymore. It's destroying me. And I feel like it gets worst everyday.

You is my family. You is my siblings. You is my mother. You is my father.