I am SAD

They say

You know that saying that says: 'There's always
A little truth behind every "I'm just kidding",
A little knowledge behind every "I don't know",
A little emotion behind every "I don't care",
And a little pain behind every "It's Ok".'

Well you don't really realise it's true until you're the one saying those things and thinking just a bit differently, until you're the one in pain and just say "it's Ok."

They say I keep it all in, but they don't know what happens in the toilet, bathroom or at night, in my bed, when no one is watching.
They say I don't cry, but they don't know I cry when no one is watching, when every one has gone to bed, or simply when I said "I'm going to the toilet."
They say I smile even when everything goes wrong.
Hell, I'm strong. I'm a rock. I can take everything and anything... They say.

But they don't know very much, do they?

Because I cry. I cry when you don't look.
Because I smile so you don't see the pain. I smile because it's my only protection.
Because I can't take it all. I'm not that strong.
Because behind that wall, that face, that window I built, I can still feel. I am sensitive. I tend to let everything through so I get hurt a lot. I don't mean to, but I can't help it.
I want to cry when you criticise me and start telling me all about my faults. I want to cry when you start telling me what you hate about me. I want to cry when you start telling me about all the annoying habits I have.

What's wrong with me? Am I really that much of an imperfect person?
I wish someone would understand me. Literally. I wish it. I hope it. I daydream it.
But just tell me why am I so screwed up?
Tell me why do you have to remind me how imperfect I am all the time?
Tell me why because you are hurting me.
Because I am hurt but you don't seem to see... Or aren't you looking my way?