Blue Eyes

Chapter 19: Everything Changed

Castiel was panting when he finally reached his house. He opened his front door and closed it, falling against the hard wood, his hands clutched in his hair. He tried so hard to forget Dean, to forget their entire relationship ever existed. But his past was haunting him, even a different city.

Dean was still in the supermarket, the eggs in his hand. He couldn't move, just replay that scene over and over in his head. The shocked look on Castiel's face, the hurt that followed shortly after. It was all too much.

He eventually got himself together and paid for those eggs. He should visit Cas, bring him the eggs since he ran out of there before buying anything. If only he knew where Castiel lived.

Dean figured people would know in a small town like this. It took him a while but he eventually got the information he needed from a tiny, old lady in the flower shop next to the supermarket.

If Castiel told him to leave, he would. Dean hurt him badly and Castiel had every right to reject him. But Dean could, at least, try right? Even after all of these years, the feelings for Cas never fully disappeared. There was a constant dull ache inside of him; reminding him of what he had done. Reminding him that he lost Cas forever. It was a feeling Dean couldn't bear, so he studied a lot and worked hard to forget. It got him where he is now, and he is content this way. But not fully happy, not like he was when Cas was still around.

Even if they don't get back together, friends would be amazing too. To have Cas in his life, even if it was only for one minute a week, it would be perfectly fine. Dean never thought he could care as much for Cas as he cared for his little brother or Bobby. It was scary, to love someone like that. But when they love you back, man, that's the best feeling in the world.

"What am I going to do, Charlie?!" Castiel nearly screamed into his phone, his heartbeat picking up the speed.

"Talk to him," Charlie suggested, her voice sweet and reassuring. "Maybe you can talk about what happened back in high school and you get some closure."

"I don't need closure, Charlie. I need him approximately 1000 feet away from me!"

"Do you really mean that?" No, he didn't. Of course, he didn't. He wanted to hold Dean close, kiss his lips just once more. Relive the feeling of the past. But it was too late, Dean broke his heart and he was not the "second chances" type of guy.

About fifteen minutes later Castiel finally clicked the "end call" button. Charlie had tried to convince him some more, and, yes, she was very good at that. Castiel vowed to himself that he would talk to Dean if he ever saw him again. With a town like this, the chances were very high they would meet again.

What he didn't expect was for it to happen so soon.

The doorbell rang a kind of urgency to it. Castiel didn't need to look for him to know who was ringing his doorbell.

He walked slowly, giving himself some time to calm down and push his nerves away. Castiel opened the door and was once again hit with the beauty Dean had become in those past ten years. He was always handsome, but this is out of worldly.

Castiel didn't know Dean was thinking the exact same thing. Castiel's eyes were still the vibrant blue Dean could recognize anywhere, his dark hair still messy, but a more controlled kind of messy know.

They stood there for a moment, staring at each other. The world around them disappeared, and it was just like all those years ago.

"Can I come in?" Dean finally asked, a faint smile hinting at his lips. Castiel opened the door further, cursing himself about the vow he made a few minutes earlier. This wasn't supposed to happen this soon. He wasn't ready.

"Do you want something to drink?"

"No, I'm fine."

Silence. The awkward kind. Never did they ever have an awkward kind of silence in the time they spent together. Everything really has changed, hasn't it.

"Why are you here, Dean?" Castiel sighed. It was clear they needed to talk about everything that had happened. And that wasn't going to happen if they just kept standing there, inspecting each other.

"We need to talk," Dean replied, shuffling a bit closer to Cas, who stepped back. Dean tried to stop the hurt from showing, but it wasn't like Cas cared anyway, right? Cas was cold towards him, distant. He deserved it, he knew that, but it broke his heart even further just when he thought he had glued the pieces back together.

"So talk," Castiel snapped. "You are the one who cheated, Dean. If you have to say something, then say it."

"You're right, I am the one who cheated. But it wasn't-"

"Wasn't what? Your fault?" Castiel laughed bitterly. "Please."

"No, you don't understand," Dean tried, stepping away a bit.

"Then explain!" Castiel yelled, moving forward until he was in Dean's personal space. Castiel was on the brim of tears, pure hurt and anger coursing through his veins. After all these years and Dean still had the audacity to lie to him?

"I can't, okay!" Dean yelled back, his voice cracking.

"Why did you leave, Dean?" Castiel whispered, the tears finally falling. Dean reached up to wipe the tears away, but he decided against it and let his arm fall back against his side.

"I'm sorry, Cas." He couldn't tell Castiel. It wasn't safe. He told himself he wouldn't go back to the hunting life, to forget all about it. He couldn't possibly tell Cas the real reason why he left.

"Get out," Castiel said, his voice almost strangled as if he was trying to keep his emotions from flowing out.

"Cas, please," Dean begged, stepping even closer. They were nose to nose now, closer than they have been in years. Dean could feel the familiar warmth radiating of Castiel. He wanted to dive back into the past, in the time where everything was still right.

But he couldn't.

"Get out!" Castiel snapped, his face turning away from Dean. He couldn't look at him, not right now. Not when Dean was still lying about everything. All Castiel wanted was the truth, but he wasn't going to get it. Dean had no reason to still be in his presence.

Castiel could see Dean staring at his from the corner of his eyes before Dean gave up and turned away. Castiel bit his lip to prevent him from sobbing right then and there. He heard the front door open and fall into the lock. Then, he let himself fall to the floor, cradling his face in his hands as the tears poured out of his eyes.