When We Broke-up

13

HIM

"Kuya, maawa ka naman sa sarili mo oh."

Everyone keeps telling me that time heals all wounds, but no one can tell me what I'm supposed to do right now. Right now I can't sleep. It's right now that I can't eat. Right now I still hear her voice and sense her presence even though I know she's not here. Right now all I seem to do is cry. I know all about time and wounds healing, but even if I had all the time in the world, I still don't know what to do with all this hurt right now. I just want her back.

"Just leave me alone."

I said coldly, nagkulong ako sa kwarto ko. Sina Riza at Dad lang ang pinapapasok ko dito. No one else except that. You know what truly aches? Having so much inside you and not having the slightest clue of how to pour it out.

"K-Kuya, dalawang araw ka na nagkukulong sa kwarto mo. Maawa ka naman sa sarili mo Kuya. Hindi lang ikaw ang nahihirapan, pati rin kami ni Daddy."

"I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE! G-Gusto kong mapag-isa..."

It has always been simple, but making it hard was always your way of avoiding pain. If you want to change your life, you have to change what you are doing. It wasn't my fault, her fault, our fault or the circumstances. It was her inability to choose. So, life chose for her. Somewhere in that crazy mind of hers time stopped. I thought someone would rescue me, but she didn't. She have to rescue herself. This is not a fire you can put out; you have to walk through it, in order to reach life. Getting burned is apart of growth, didn't she know?

I watched Riza walk-away. I know nagalit siya sa akin dahil sa pagsigaw ko pero Ang sakit sakit na talaga, I want to die but I know she still loves me, I know and I can feel it.

I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating.

Because, if you could love someone, and keep loving them, without being loved back . . . then that love had to be real. It hurt too much to be anything else.

I have to admit, an unrequited love is so much better than a real one. I mean, it's perfect... As long as something is never even started, you never have to worry about it ending. It has endless potential.

*****

I tried to call Maine--Coleen gave Maine's number to me. Dati pa but I'm scared to call her. Maybe babaan niya lang ako sa telepono or baka hindi niya sagutin.

"Hello? Sino 'to?"

I took a deep breathe when I heard her voice, I miss her. Alot. I want to hug her and kiss her and tell her how much I love her--it's never too late right?

"Maine..."

"RJ..."

I smiled, alam niya parin ang boses ko hanggang ngayon. I just to tell her how much I love her, her flaws. All of her, I just want her back. Even it's impossible.

"L-Let's meet, please....?"

"W-Where?"

I gasp when she said 'where' I just want to see her, I want to hug her. I just want her back. If you don't receive love from the ones who are meant to love you, you will never stop looking for it. I know kay Maine ko yun makikita.

"I'll text you..."

"O-Okay...."

I can't explain what I feel right now but I'm really happy. Makikita ko ulit siya, alam ko na magiging mahinahon ang pag-uusap namin ngayon.

****

I saw her walking towards mine, she smiled sadly. I want to hug her and kiss her at the same time.

I saw her tear flows down on her cheeks, I hugged her and she hugged me back. You don't love someone because they're perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they're not.

We savor the moment, I heard her sobbed in the middle of our cuddliness. I looked at her crinkling eyes. I saw pain, not love. Pinahid ko ang mga luha niya then mas lalo siyang umiyak. I want to ask why.

"Itigil na natin to RJ, sinasaktan lang natin ang ating mga sarili..."

"Sinasaktan? Oo nasasaktan na tayo pero pinagpapatuloy parin natin kasi alam ko at alam mo rin na tama 'to..."

She cried and nodded, God please I want her back. Please gusto ko siyang mapa akin. Please I love her. I know she loves me too.

I looked around, we saw trees and glittering stars that captured our best moment. Were in the middle of nowhere. Lost in our crinkling eyes, hoping that we can be in each others' arms again.

"I still love you, I hope you still love me too..."

"If you love me, why did you leave me that night?"

"I'm so stupid to leave you and watched you cry."

"Am I not that enough?"

"No, youre more than enough. Youre my everything..."

Misunderstanding in Love is big reason for breakup. I wish na magkabalikan na ulit kami, I really wish na she still loves me and my own flaws.

"I love you Maine..."

"RJ..."

"Please say 'I love you too?'"

"I c-can't..."

Umiyak nanaman siya, all I can do is to hug her tight. I know she needs me, I know she needs my hugs and kisses too. I know she misses me like I miss her...

"Please give me a second chance..."

Kailangan ko siya, kailangan. I miss her so much. I missed this moments. Our priceless moments...

"Babawi ako, please. Kailangan kita, halos araw-araw kailangan kita. I need you and I really love you please..."

"RJ...."

I looked at her eyes, I kissed her forehead. She stepped back then she looked at me.

"Itigil mo na ito RJ, ayoko na..."

She walked-away, leaving me here....