Donovan

14. Fear drives us

        "Why do you fear people, Emery?" Dr. Sullivan asked me, her pen waving in front of my face as I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. I was distracted by her dark curly hair and chocolate skin that was very beautiful. Her eyes were this hazel that really complimented her well. After looking away, I shrugged at her question.

    "It's not people I fear, it's just that-"

    "You're afraid of rejection?" I shook my head.

    "No. It's not that. I just-"

    "You don't feel like you are good enough." Well, my therapist hit the nail on the head alright. I nodded. As she wrote something down on her notebook, I stared down at my lap. My first week with her and I still haven't seen a change in anything.

My nightmares were sort of durable now but they still pained me. Most of them were of Sarah while the other's were of Donovan. Every single time, I watched him get shot or beaten to death in my nightmares by these shadow figures that would never disappear. They just kept coming back.

     "Why don't you feel like you are good enough?" She asked me. It took me a few seconds to come up with an answer. I don't know.

    "People around me-" I held my hand up to her when I saw her parting her lips to shut her up. How many times will she keep interrupting me? Dr. Sullivan shut her mouth and leaned back in her chair.

    "People around me are always, I don't know how to explain it, but they will always leave me. Whether they leave because of death or just for the reasons of how fucked-" She raised an eyebrow up at me.

"Sorry. I mean how messed up I am," I corrected myself. She nodded.

"Give me examples then. Why don't you feel good enough?" She inquired. Well, shit, if I knew. I tapped my foot against the wooden floor of her white office and stared out the window. It was raining. Again.

So I explained my whole life story to her, no matter how uncomfortable I got. She was suppose to be helping me and she couldn't do that if she didn't know why I needed help.

"So you have nightmares quite frequently?" I nodded. She rubbed her cheek and sighed.

"Huh."

"What does that sigh mean?" I questioned her warily. She looked up to me from her notebook, her eyes peering through her glasses before she eventually took them off.

"You blame yourself." It wasn't even a question, but more like a statement. Well, correct she was, again. I felt this lump form in my throat as I nodded my head in acknowledgement.

"Oh. I see now. Who is the closest person to you right now, Emery? Your mother is absolutely off of this list for sure." Just the thought of Donovan had my heart jumping around and stomach fluttering. It's only been a few hours since I have seen him but boy, I really missed him.

"My.." Shit. Was he my boyfriend again? We never even made it official. Well, you made it really official last night.

"My boyfriend." She smiled.

"By your hesitation, I'm suspecting that it's complicated?" I nodded with a humorless chuckle.

"It sort of is. I really love him though. He has been through so much with me and part of the reasons why my nightmares went away for a short amount of time was because he was there with me. We would talk before I fell asleep and I would have to take my sleeping pills. Some times, I'd forget to take them and wake up running to the bathroom and locking myself up again." I hadn't realize how much I had spoken. Looking up to her, she was smiling in awe.