All We Are

Eighteen

*****

"I was growing younger day by day, there was love, and it was all arranged, and I held you with a wandering eye. Now I know the girl I should've known, now I feel the love I should've shown, and I pull me in, but you push me out. And I, know, you don't love me so, but please say it once before I go."- Even If It's A Lie, by Matt Maltese

*****

James

It wasn't easy seeing Blake and Rosie together. I saw the two of them, and I saw the way he looked at her, and the way everyone else seemed to look at them together. It was hard fighting the urge to kiss her, and it was hard fighting the urge to punch him. People say you never truly appreciate what you have, until it gets taken away. It's true.

I never did appreciate Rose the way I should have. I never appreciated the girl I should've known, back then, and now? Well, now I feel the love I should have shown. I guess this was my punishment for all of the things I've done that have hurt her. My punishment is watching her with someone else, someone who can probably love her better than I can.

I had to distance myself from her. Now that I felt something for her. It wasn't just something, but I didn't want to admit how strong it was. I needed to maybe make her resent me. I had done it in the past, used the dick attitude on her. Back then she would try to figure out what was wrong, and most of the time something was wrong.

I saw the confusion on her face when I used it on her in the hallway, in the morning. I felt a slight pang of annoyance with myself. I didn't know if I could continue with the act once we were alone.

I was truly tired of hurting her. When I first heard about all the things with Ryan, and all of the terrors she had been experiencing, the first thing I felt was guilt. Because she was right in front of me the whole time. I should have noticed, I should have done something. I always had a feeling about Ryan. I never helped her. While she was dealing with Ryan all by herself I was in the process of destroying myself, with drugs, drinking, risk taking... I was busy screwing around with different girls everyday, right in front of Rose, when I knew how she felt about me.

I'd never forget that day when Rose told me how she felt, that she even liked me.

It was three years ago, at the end of the summer before our freshmen year...

"Rose!" I called after the little brunette who was sprinting ahead of me.

We were in the woods by my family's lake house. This was our last night before we had to go back to our little town, and our last week before we had to go back to school, and start high school.

Rose and her family were here with us. My parents had invited them since Rose and I had been pretty inseparable since we had first met. It wasn't like we were best friends, and we weren't even dating. It just ended up that way. Wherever I was, she was, and wherever she was, I was. It was fate or something like that. We had the majority of our classes together, and we were always partnered up together by teachers.

Rose was pretty girl, and I had grown sort of attracted to her. She was tall and willowy, and she was thin but curvy at the same time, which drove me a little crazy sometimes. She had big brown eyes, brown hair, a dazzling smile, and an addicting laugh. Some days I made it a point to make her laugh.

She was loved by everyone around her. It was funny though. She never wanted many friends, and she hated popularity. I was very surprised that I managed to persuade her to come with me to this party. It was the last one of the summer, and a gorgeous blonde girl, whose name was Taylor, was hosting it.