All We Are

Twenty Six

*****

All the king's horses, and all the king's men, never put my heart together again. In these rivers, I'm drowning, there are wolves in my head, and they're howling. There was a garden of Eden, in the palm of my hand. Now I'm broken and bleeding, stranger in this land. Lost it all."- Lost It All, by Jill Anndrews

*****

James

I was a coward.

I hated what I had done to Rosie. I hated that she still loved me. But most of all, I hated myself. It was all my fault. I had lost her for good. I even hoped it. I didn't deserve her.

When we got back to the house, I couldn't explain to anyone what I had done. I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone, but as usual Nate knew exactly what I had done.

"Did she not take it well?" His voice drawled out.

I was lying in the bed at Blake's, staring blankly at the ceiling.

"She took it fine." I replied blankly.

"Well, why is she crying in her room?" Nate asked.

I winced at the thought of her in misery. "Because I told her I loved her."

"That isn't why she's crying." Nate spoke plainly.

"And then I told her what happened during the summer." I continued.

"You said she took it fine." Nate stated, annoyance clear in his voice.

"She took it too well." I groaned. "She still loved me after I told her."

Nate shook his head in disbelief. "But you just had to fuck that up didn't you?"

I clenched my eyes shut in anger. "I don't need to be told that, Nate."

"Believe me, I'm not the only one that's going to." He replied.

I sat up and glared at him. "Just fuck off."

Nate glared back at me. "I hope you regret messing everything up. She's the best thing that will ever happen to you and you messed it up. Good luck James, because as soon as school's over, I'm leaving." Nate turned to leave the room. "And God knows, you can't stand to lose anyone else, and you know it."

-

The next morning, I woke Nate up at the crack of dawn, and made him drive us back to Gresham, I couldn't face Rose. He was angry the whole drive, but it was better than facing everyone else, and most of all, a heartbroken Rose.

I hated breaking her heart again, and again, but I couldn't understand why she still loved me, and I couldn't understand why I didn't want her to love me still. I couldn't keep doing this. I couldn't keep driving us in circles.

I wanted to get away from her, but now it wasn't looking like I could. Everywhere I looked, on the drive back, at home, at school, I saw her, I thought I could smell her, I felt her presence, even staring at trees, I was reminded of her.

I didn't want to see her now, tomorrow, or even next week at school, but I knew that wasn't an option.

I had to get back into school, I had to take it seriously. My parents were angry with me because of my grades. Jasmine was already in trouble for her grades, and I didn't want to join that bus. I just had to get back to normal life, with Rose around, I had to ignore my feelings for her, but I was still going to avoid her as long as I could.

-

Back in school, I watched her the during the week, and every time I saw her, it killed me.

She looked miserable. She looked like she was on the edge of tears every time.