All We Are

Thirty

*****

"Two feet standing on a principle. Two hands longing for each others warmth. Cold smoke seeping out of colder throats, darkness falling, leaves nowhere to go. It's spiraling down, biting words like a wolf howling. Hate is spitting out each others mouths,
but we're still sleeping like we're lovers. Still with feet touching, still with eyes meeting, still our hands match, still with hearts beating..."- Still, by Daughter

*****

James

After my conversation with Rose, I knew that I couldn't persuade her to ever choose me again. I knew Rose and when she had her mind made up, nothing could make her change it. I loved her for it. It drove me crazy at times, but at the same time, it just drew me to her.

Blake's death had shaken all of us. I knew something was devastatingly wrong when I woke up in that hospital bed with my mother hovering over me anxiously. I knew when the nurses came in, and I asked them what had happened, and they didn't answer, I knew then that we had lost someone. I just never expected it to be Blake.

My heart sunk when, and blood ran cold in my veins when I thought that Ryan could've possibly beaten Rose, and taken her life. I almost lost it, then and there. I remember asking them, asking anyone who would talk who it was, who we had lost the night before.

"Blake Adams sweetie." My mother replied apprehensively.

I still thought of Rose, even when I heard that it was Blake. I knew that she would be torn apart. I knew that his death would kill a part of her too. I knew that my chances of ever being with her again were grim, maybe even nonexistent.

When they discharged me from the hospital, immediately I ran to Rose's hospital room. I stood in the doorway, shocked, I couldn't walk into her room because of what I saw. I watched her fight the nurses around her. I watched her break down. I heard her screams and pleas. I watched a nurse inject something into her IV and then I heard her mumble, "It's my fault that he's dead."

After that I couldn't approach her. I didn't know how to. I wanted to though. So many times in the days that followed Blake's death, I wanted to be with her, to comfort her, and to love her, but somehow I couldn't bring myself too. I was afraid of what she would think of me in the end.

I had broken her heart so many times, I had held her back so many times, all I seemed to do was hurt her. I knew I should've stayed away when she came back. I knew I should have let her be, but Blake, and Blake's stupid bet that he could get her before me, made me want her more.

I owed Blake forever, because getting to know Rose again, getting a second chance, getting to find out how damaged she really was, and seeing her find happiness in our group of friends, made me fall in love with her even more.

In the beginning, even before high school started, I believed that she was just a friend, I never saw her as anything more, but somehow I was still drawn to her. I couldn't leave her alone. Her stubbornness and her attitude drew me in. She always did what she wanted, she never let anyone influence her choices, and she was always headstrong.

Then when we grew up a little more, and hormones got crazier, then I realized that she was gorgeous. I was always attracted to blondes before her, but something changed. I noticed how oblivious she was to her own beauty. I knew that other guys were interested in her, but she never showed any interest in them.

When she would turn a guy down, I'd feel a sense of victory over them. I'd be happy about it, and I couldn't explain why. I had myself convinced that I didn't want a relationship with her, but somehow just being friends wasn't working for me.