All We Are

Nineteen

*****

"Baby, this is what you came for. Lightning strikes every time she moves. And everybody's watching her, but she's looking at you." This Is What You Came For, by Rihanna & Calvin Harris

*****

Rose

As I was in the car with James I began to reminisce about the beginning of everything to do with him. When I first met him, when I first realized I liked him, then when I realized I loved him, when I realized I had to leave him, and when I realized I needed him more than he needed me.

He was my curveball. He wasn't planned. Even as a girl I was always ambitious. I always had this plan of becoming a successful lawyer or a self-made business woman. I wanted to be "in charge" and to have that sense of accomplishment. I wanted to get into a top college, the top college of my dreams. I never thought of what it would be like to have love destroy all of that, all of those dreams.

When I started falling for James, I was so afraid. There's always been this looming tale that you couldn't fall in love if you're younger than sixteen maybe, and I wasn't sixteen when I was in love. I was afraid of falling too hard, becoming dependent on someone that wasn't me, yearning for someone, worrying about someone.

Even if you aren't in love, you still do these things subconsciously, but once you fall in love, these things create a new meaning. They become something more. Their meanings change.

I remember once I fully embraced the fact that I was in love with James, all of my plans and all of my commitments were pushed to the back of my mind. I wanted to spend my time with James, be with him, talk to him, make him laugh... All of those things.

He was the one thing I never expected.

Once he happened, Ryan came into the picture. The friend that turned into the fear that kept me helpless. I never blamed James for any of my problems. I made him out to be an angel. That was my mistake. The same thing happened with Ryan, I avoided blaming him, I thought there was a reason, I thought it was my fault.

I was so weak. How could I think that? How could I blame myself? And how could I believe that, in the middle of it all, the one person I loved in all of this was innocent?

We were driving down an empty road. Green blurs flew by as we drove. The forests, the greenery, everything about where we were was gorgeous.

I smiled slightly.

"James, do you remember when we went camping?" I asked with a small chuckle.

He didn't answer for a moment. Then his sly smile appeared. "Are you kidding? That was the most crazy-ass trip I've ever been on."

I laughed. "How many times did I almost die and/or break down in tears?"

He shook his head in amusement. "I lost track after the second day."

I sighed.

"Whose bright idea was it to go camping anyway? It was your first time after all." James frowned.

I had to think a little. "I think it was some mandatory extracurricular thing."

He shrugged. "Must have been."

We sat in silence again, but this time we were reminiscing. I was frowning at the memories of that damned trip. James, on the other hand, was shaking with silent laughter.

Then his silent laughs became louder. And then louder, until he couldn't contain them anymore.

"Oh shut up!" I groaned. He didn't.